Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Also she’s an adult, if she wants to eat peanut butter, bananas and cappuccino mousses, let her. You don’t have to do all this meal prepping. Or if you are desperate to, make a batch of stuff once a week and let her eat it at her will.
Tell your siblings you are unavailable on x days/weeks and they will need to step in.

I can see why your siblings are rarely in touch with her!

Then so be it. After all, with her vastly superior knowledge of all things diet and health, she’ll be ok, surely?

Seriously, OP, you have choices here. You’ve just been brainwashed by a deeply unpleasant individual, who happens to be your mother, into believing that you don’t.

Claim your life back. Please.

Agree with everyone else. I think you need to do very basic care from now on & focus on improving your social life. She seems to have completely destroyed any confidence you had in yourself. If she wants to just eat snacks that’s up to her.

I think exactly this.

OP, she’s got you right where she wants you, at her beck and call, and is abusing you to further undermine your self-confidence so that you’re always available to her.

What was she like when you were growing up?

Your other siblings have pulled back. That is an option for you, whether you believe that at the moment or not.

Let’s face it - she’s 81. If you can’t live on bananas, peanut butter and cappuccino mousse at 81, when can you?

I plan to start drinking again if I’m still around at 80, and live on champagne and oysters, and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me.

Organise a supermarket delivery of a few ready meals and her poisons of choice once a week, and start planning what to do with all the free time you’ll have.

Sounds like you obviously forgot to take care of yourself along the way and obviously you are an amazing person doing all you can for your mother. It's crazy how your siblings are not helping especially after how she brought you all up and in her time of need your left to pick up the pieces.

Weight shouldn't be a problem however I'd be lying if I said I was happy with the way I am because I'm not, I am overweight and trying to lose some because many of my clothes which used to fit don't now.

At the end of the day it's how you feel if your happy in yourself don't question it but it can't be nice hearing your mum say them hurtful things.

I do wonder if this is a generational thing. My mother muttered about my weight.she was obsessed quietly about it for her and everyone. She would talk about how thin our neighbour was in admiring tones (he had terminal cancer). My dad would quite happily say to me as a teen I was getting fat (think from size 10 to 12 puppy fat). My grandmother would be known to drop a few comments.

but no, your size is not a show stopper here. Spending all your time with her might be as it is sapping at your confidence.

This reminds me when my mum commented on how big my tummy looked when only the week before I gave birth to a 8lb 12oz baby!!! My mum was very clumsy with words but that comment has stayed with me for 10 years!

I'm concerned why you're posting in the middle of the night, unless you're not in the UK. Do you work shifts?

You've got two issues here

Your Mum
Your health

Maybe your Mum is terribly worried about your health? And maybe the only way she thinks she can get through to you to make changes is to tell you that you will never get a man at the weight you are?

She's not right to do that but it's become her default setting. All you can do is ignore it as best you can and maybe talk to your siblings to get them to step up more.

The other issue though is your health. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking.

You've described yourself as an emotional eater. You've already got health issues which may be linked to your eating. Being a size 14 or 16 isn't the point. Dress sizes are meaningless. The point is your eating and weight are causing you issues in your mid 30s.

If you want to turn this around, do it for yourself. It's not about finding a man, it's about not becoming chronically ill.

Why is is taking time to see a consultant, have tests and maybe surgery if your gallbladder isn't working? Can you push this along more quickly? Have you had lots of tests so far? Have you been assessed for diabetes, for example?

I can see how if your life isn't happy you reach for food, but can you turn this round so you get out more, get hobbies, new friends and take care of yourself?

It sounds like you’re not in a relationship because your life is busy. I know plenty of people similar size to you who are married/relationships. If you’re happy with your size I think your mum is the problem. I think you need to put boundaries in place and stand up to your mum properly. Tell her to stop in a direct way. She needs to know there is a limit. Turn it round on her. Ask her why she is telling you everyday, ask her if she considers how it makes you feel. Then ask her about something she is concious of? Aging maybe, imagine if you behaved like her and criticised her age everyday see if she thinks differently? Also as the youngest the caring is not down to you. Care, meal deliveries etc are all possible. Get your life back you are young.

What? 'Your job?' Wit, intelligence, style, kindness, interest, vitality all more important.

Along with others I think YOU will benefit if you take a more formal or business like attitude to the caring part of the relationship with Mother. Maybe be a bit brisker in the way you talk or treat her.
I understand about you being anchored to her but can you organise time for yourself?
That would give you time to study or work at something that interests you. Something worthwhile like studying for a subject that interests you.

BTW Being size 14 should not be a hindrance in starting a relationship.

I don't care about what men think or feel (apart from my husband), however, speaking for myself, I do prefer to remain slim (and always have been).
Size 14 would be unacceptable for me. (5'8").
You wanted an honest opinion and here it is.
Try to lose some weight for yourself and see whether it makes you happier.
Don't listen to other (toxic, nasty) human beings in your life, either.
Good luck.

I would say in all kindness that losing a bit of weight will help. Everyone carries weight differently and where s16 could look normal on one person, it might look very out of shape on another. I was s18 at my biggest, so I’ve put a lot of thought into this. People are attracted to what they’re attracted to, and finding someone on the slimmer side more attractive isn’t shallow. So you’ll improve your prospects of finding someone you want with a bit of weight loss. It can be a hard market out there!

As for restricted calories, you can still enjoy a really good dinner. I eat twice a day, do incorporate wine some days and enjoy dinners of steak fried in olive oil, roasted veg etc. Wine is my treat, I don’t enjoy desserts/chocolate/biscuits etc. How successful you will be depends on what you’re prepared to cut back on.

Threats are meaningless unless you can carry them through. Your mum knows you won’t live far-away so she carries on. You need to sit her down for a chat specifically about this - say you find her comments very hurtful, they’re affecting your mental health, they make you not want to spend time with her, and you’ve decided that every time she makes such a comment in the future that you’ll leave and go home. And do it. Every single time.

Size 14/16 is really not that big. Many men prefer that size to a stick thin woman. She’s talking nonsense.

It’s very telling that she thinks it would have been a good thing for you to have stayed in a situationship that was doing you harm. She seems to think that being in a relationship is the best all and end all (my mum is like that too and often makes comments about my single cousins). It’s a warped view. As is her view on your weight.

You sound like a lovely person OP, far more loveable than someone obsessed with weight.

They are, but this poster is being realistic - they aren’t what will catch someone’s eye in the first place

Don’t be daft!! Honestly, you’re not too fat for anything! I’d argue you’re not even fat! You sounds lovely and caring and thoughtful and any person would be lucky to be in a relationship with someone like you.

Excellent advice! Weirdly mine is similar age and obsessed in this way too - not in the mean spirited way as ops mum towards me, but very opinionated about anyone who is slightly over weight and v obsessed about her own. I often wonder if it is a result of being a war baby and all the rationing that followed?…. Not an excuse by any means but an interesting psychological topic?

If nobody fancied fat women then there wouldn't be plus size wedding dresses. I am a size 14-16 myself, I don't have any problem getting men to fancy me (I don't want a man, but that's another story!).

It sounds like she's trying to stop you leaving her.

Lose weight if YOU want to. My dad is a similar age to your mother and does his best to put everyone down, it's jealousy on his part, and we've all stopped giving him a reaction. He does it less these days.

Of course you could cut her off, you don’t want to. That’s fine of course, just don’t say you don’t have choices, you do. Given you are going to stay in contact, at least be less available to her and use the time to get out with friends. You’ve only got one life! Tell her to stop going on about it, leave the room if she mentions it, ignore her when she starts, on repeat. Dont be a doormat.

I think she needs a bit of a wake up call... 'I am fed up of hearing your criticism about my body Mum, you are 81, I don't know how many more years we'll have together but I do know I don't want my memories of you to be spoiled by you critisising and nagging me about my weight. Let's talk about something you like about me instead because it makes me sad that you think this is the most important thing to say to me.'

What utter nonsense.

Dress sizes are meaningless.

My Mum used to wear a size 14 because she had a 34E /F bust but she weighed 8.5 stone and was slim.

What's your BMI? That's a guide but it also depends on your frame size and how you carry your weight.

A dress size of 14-16 means nothing because for someone 5' 9 tall it could be fine, they'd be slim, but for someone 5ft it would be different.

There's lots of support out there (free, online) on eating healthier and this is maybe what you need to focus on- health, not dress size.

Your Mum is out of order, clearly, but I think it's more complex than that. This is about your relationship with food and your relationship with her.

You won't be losing weight for her, but for yourself.

You have asked two separate questions

1. Are you too fat to date?

Apart from the one bonkers reply, you can clearly see the answer is no! Nobody is too fat to date. Of course there's a small number of men with attitudes like your Mother's, who only want a partner who looks a certain way, and does all the domestic work. Is this what you want? Most of us want a partner who values us as a person, who enjoys the same activities as us (You've mentioned cooking, so perhaps a foodie), who makes us laugh, who shares the load. None of that is dependent on weight.

1. How can you stop your mother making these comments?

You can't change her mind, but she might keep her thoughts to herself. Notice that almost all the comments are focusing on how you react to the comments. All you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with.

Good luck OP. You deserve better.