Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

You don't have to go to emotional extremes but you can say quite clearly "you are behaving badly. you are not going to talk to me about this, its not acceptable, stop it right now"

You’re a very normal size for the UK. Whether you’re overweight or not is your business but you’re slightly smaller than the UK average so of course you’re not too large for love. Plenty of women larger than you have families and marriages.

Just tell her to stop being a cunt.

Your mother is a narcissist and If you don’t go no contact she will destroy your life. Your siblings have to contribute/take responsibility too. They are taking advantage of you.
What you describe is emotional eating which might be the result of the narcissistic abuse you are enduring.
Cut contact, make your siblings take responsibility and leave. Take care of yourself and lose weight. And no. You are not fat. But you can have the body you want and dream of. Just get rid of the other kind of weights in your life.

@WildflowerGardens your problem is your mother, not your weight. I’m sorry that she’s even made you question whether or not you could date.

tbh I’d snap back with, “The only thing that’s preventing me dating right now is the amount of time I have to spend looking after you. Would you prefer I stop so that I have more free time?”

Do you live together? Do you have to eat infront of her?
Perhaps you could avoid the unwanted nasty comments by taking your main meal to work in a lunch box?
It is odd that she is forcing the comments into daily life. You could try repeating one small sentence every single time.
'Yes mum, you told me already.'
'ofgs this again mum?'
'If I had a boyfriend, I would have no time for you mum, so be careful of what you wish for.'

I'm not sure silence is the right response here, call her out every time and avoid triggers. Leaving the room sounds effective, she would be lecturing an empty space.
You have the patience of a Saint @WildflowerGardens but enough is enough.

I would now contact her local council to arrange for a needs assessment from
sdult social care. Then step away completely.

She will continue to destroy your self worth if you keep going to see her and or hoping that she will change and or say sorry. These narcissistic types never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your problem in finding a relationship is less that you're "fat" but more that you don't have time because you're so busy with working and caring responsibilities.
Also, no your weight isn't why!! I've not been below a size 14 since I was 18 until now and there's always been a lot of male attention. Less now I'd say and I'm the slimmest I've been in years

Re social care - she has had this before , she shooes away anyone trying to do the form and says she can do everything herself. But left to her own devices she eats peanut butter from the jar, a banana and Waitrose cappuccino mousses and NOTHING else (although I suppose councils don’t care so much about that)

So let her.

If your siblings can abdicate responsibility for this then so can you.

You need to get out of there.

Give her an ultimatum - mum if you mention this just one more time, I am not coming round. I don’t need to hear this everyday.
also, it’s both your weight that is stopping you from having a relationship - what ar to doing to meet different people to give you the opportunity to meet a partner?
also, weight and clothes size can look different on people of different heights, so there is that to consider. Just for your own personal thoughts but I say enjoy your food if that’s what you like. You’re not morbidly obese so I am sure you look just fine.

I’m about the same size as you tbh and whilst I don’t think it’s great from a health point of view, slso have a dodgy gall bladder it’s probably sbout average these days. 63% of adults are overweight or obese.

Leave her to it. She CAN do everything herself she's just choosing not to. Then go and be happy with somebody who treats you well, not somebody who treats you like your mother does.

I always remember being on holiday and dh and his brother said ‘do you feel paranoid about all the stunning women here?’ and I remember being shocked for a second, thinking they were slagging me off, and then they said ‘imagine how we feel!’ and there were a group of calender type men doing one hand press ups on the grass. I’ve never laughed so hard!! Men are not another species and they don’t give a crap about the things we think they do! They want a good personality and sex(when it’s the time in the relationship etc!!) Hope things get easier for you op x

I would not live with that for one more day.
Can you tell her straight, this thing is going to change, because you'll walk out the door mid meal or at any time if she mentions it , and you won't be back until she is ready to commit to no more weight talk.
She will be ok on bananas and mousse or whatever for a few weeks.
It's totally not ok to treat you like this . At all. No wonder your siblings are not in there cooking.

@WildflowerGardens I have lots of friends who are single yet many are slim or even stunning. Its really not all about size, otherwise they would all have found someone. You could drive yourself a bit mad chasing this but id say do it for yourself, not that you'd meet a man at the end of it. Your mum sounds a pain and id be equally blunt with her, or go low contact.

Contact adult social care and complete the forms yourself.

She uses you as a reason not to do anything else: these women always say to them well
my daughter will look after me. She is also both unappreciative and ungrateful for the help you do provide so drop the rope and leave her to it. Tell your siblings you are no longer her default carer.

Your mother’s attitude is likely why your siblings stay away too. It’s hard being the last one left who actually bothers with her but you are learning she is really not worth bothering about.

To be fair, that's not actually too bad a diet. If you're a foodie, then from your perspective I can imagine it sounds shocking, but she'll be getting pretty much all the calories and nutrients she needs from the peanuts, bananas and the milk in the cappuccino, and if she's happy eating that, then let her be happy and eat what she wants. You are actually being quite controlling towards her food choices if you foist on her food that she doesn't really want to eat.

Agree with other PP about everything else though - you're not fat, do a lot less for your Mum, and get yourself out there and enjoying life.

She’s an adult and that’s up to her. Sounds like blackmail.

I’m the same size as you and happily married. What she’s saying is ridiculous and unkind. Leave her to her own devices if she’s going to try to destroy your confidence so much, and be direct and unpleasant to her if she does it.

People can be size 8 and size 16 for a variety of reasons. Depending on build they could be healthy or overweight at those sizes (yes - I’ve seen a few tiny pot-bellied ladies!).

Lots of common sense on here, OP, and I think if you take care of yourself and are fit and healthy and present yourself well (showing evidence of self-care and self-respect is important) you’ll be fine.

i do think that - on the whole and despite the above comment, many size 8 people are always going to view size 16s as problematic! It’s just how things are.

Trouble is you’d end up with a mainstream male. Who on earth would want that? 😂

She’s a bully. I would spend less time with her and if she notices say its because she is unkind to you & you don’t enjoy listening to her negativity.

Spend more time on yourself and trying to find a hobby you will enjoy, even better if it’s a healthy one. You’re a bit overweight but so are lots of people in relationships including me.

You can’t find anyone because you’re waiting on her, that’s why. Leave her to her cappuccino mousses and leave your life. The second she actually needs help she’ll reach out for it. My mum pulled similar stunts, it’s manipulative.

Size has very little to do with it, especially if you’re still within the UK average. I’m a size 16/18 now and my partner is built like a damn Greek statue, he could surely find slimmer than me. All the men I know who are exclusively after slim women are either immature or a smaller size themselves.

Your issue is your life set up, not your weight.

For a slightly different perspective- my Mum would have been about 10 years older than yours but yours probably grew up under similar food availability, ‘greed’ being a sin etc - I think on reflection my mum had some eating issues that I didn’t notice as a kid but when as more of a carer were clear - worrying if she put a couple of pounds on, saying she didn’t want dessert etc, too much on the plate (not true as she sidled and sneaked snacks lol) - she didn’t tip into unhealthy restrictions that impacted health but was always super strict. But I think some at least came from the upbringing and early years - maybe that impacted your mum?
My mum had views on ‘fat’ but didn’t like to say anything latterly personally to me, once she was a widow needing help, but was sometimes too vocal about others - she had generally been private with her views but latterly more loud (embarrassingly), which I do think was some boundaries being lowered though no full on dementia. Again I think driven at least in part from the war/post war upbringing- the views, not the loud!
It is hard to listen to constant jibes, and I got some when my ma had other visitors but tried to just roll my eyes virtually- obviously much less than you have so easier. Couldn’t really tell my mum she was wrong, but could leave the room or just switch off my listening.I do think now that a lot of what she ever said was driven by love - just differently to how I would express it.
Do try to filter it out, impose some boundaries and find ways to avoid it getting you down. Best wishes with it all OP.

She sounds mean and abusive, poor you.

I am size 18 and was when I met my (lovely) DH.

Help her less: your siblings have chosen to, you can too.

Get therapy (if you can afford it) or at least read some books about what happened witht he older guy so you don't get into that cycle again.

See if your friends can introduce you to anyone as online dating can be grim for your confidence.

Learn to love yourself first! 14/16 is normal and your mum is being very unkind!! You can do this.