Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Are you fucking kidding me?

Re weight - each of my thighs is probably a size 16 and ive been married best part of 30 years.

Your size is not going to stop you finding someone xx

W T A F ????? Are you serious??? Is this 1950 ???

OP..... you really really have to absolutely lose the plot with your mother and tell her you won't be back if she says one more word about your weight. Really. She's not being the loving and grateful mother that you deserve. What the hell is wrong with 12/14... Nothing, that's what. Your ONLY problem from where I'm standing is having a nasty, vindictive, controlling horror of a mother. I knew a woman who lived her entire life hearing just such crap from her mother. The mother was terrified of being left alone so wanted to make sure her daughter didn't get married and leave her. The mother is dead now and the daughter a very lonely 60 year old. DON'T LET ANYONE DO THIS TO YOU. You deserve so much better. And get your useless siblings on board. If she can't be kind to you and grateful, then she doesn't deserve you. Give her hell, even just once, and tell her it stops immediately or she's on her own. Please do it. And DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR PUTTING HER IN HER PLACE!!! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

Good grief she sounds rude. Ultimately if she wants to eat peanut butter, bananas and mousse let her for a week or so.

No point threatening to move across the country as she knows that is not doable in the moment. But “I’m not listening to your nonsense about my weight again. I’m going now” and following through every single time is doable.

All this is much more difficult if you do live with her. If you do then that is the very first thing I would be looking to change TBH.

It’s a very normal size that can be very attractive depending on proportions and how you dress. I think you need a tough policy on responding to this.

OP this sounds really draining and awful.

firstly, your size is about the U.K. average .

Secondly, your worth and value as a person is not linked to the size you are. You are clearly a very caring person ( you haven’t jettisoned your very rude and opinionated mother yet) , and you come across on here as a n interesting and articulate person.

your mother is being cruel . If it were me I would tell her that.

Mum, speaking to me like that about my weight is cruel and makes you seem like a very mean and small person. I want you to stop talking about my weight . It isn’t any of your business. You sound like a bully.

i want to keep supporting you by doing your shopping and cooking, but you talking to me this way is causing a rift between us. So you need to stop or I’m not coming round anymore.

then leave and let her think on it , rather than defending herself.

I wish you well OP xxx

This. Every time.

She sounds horrendous. I’d remind her you would have more time for yourself if you weren’t being made to look after her (why aren’t your siblings helping)?!

For record, I used to be a size 14 and actually attracted nice men then. I’ve been a size 8 for years now and ever since have only ever attracted nasty cheaters or narcissists.

This!
My friend’s mother is like this.
But cut the time you spend with her.
Show her how to do online shopping /she can order ready meals and heat them up in the microwave.
Try a few sociable sports/activities not to lose weight but to do things that are enjoyable so you have something to look forward to other than cooking.
And… youb are nowhere near ‘too fat’!!!!
The friend of mine who is in the best and most loving relationship is very obese /probably size 22/24. She met her husband online about 7 years ago /he is also very overweight /they are a lovely couple -adore each other and have a lot of fun together.

Exercise more, no need to calorie count if you’re exercising lots and getting your heart rate up. It sounds like that could help your health and weight and give you a little head space from your mum and her comments.

No disrespect intended OP but by providing this level of care and support for your mum you have allowed yourself to form a repetitive situation and only you can take that step to get off the treadmill and make changes.
Batch cook for mum, this will provide her with wholesome nourishing meals that she can reheat for herself……you do not need to be there.

Start looking out for YOU, only you can make the changes to lose weight, if that’s what you want to do. Stop buying the stuff you shouldn’t be eating or drinking and focus on a good balanced diet plus exercise. Get your siblings to step up and provide support for THEIR mum, you have a life and it shouldn’t not be left solely to you to be at her beck and call with no involvement from the rest of the family.

Perhaps, by distancing yourself from your mum, she will appreciate you more and the absences will give you both more to talk about other than her picking fault with your weight and size.

I am trying to be kind OP, break the repetitive behaviour in the present situation and start doing things for yourself for a change. I’m not saying you should neglect your mum, far from it, but the whole situation needs a reset that only you can administer. 💐

I don't understand why you're not in a position to stop doing this, OP. You don't live with her. Are you financially dependent on her?

Ge some ear plugs. Won't stop her talking but will muffle her out. Then you can just smile and nod.

She's not going to stop saying these things, but you might try talking a bit more about other elderly people who live alone and manage their own shopping, housekeeping and cooking (my widowed father in law did all of these things entirely independently until he turned 90, walking everywhere and carrying his shopping back unassisted) and maybe start asking her why she's not able to take basic care of herself properly when it really isn't that hard...

Okay so this is silly - both you and your mum know you're not going to go and 'live far away'. So make it very real to her: the next time she mentions your weight, turn and walk out of the door. Go back on your next planned day - and repeat until she gets the message.

@WildflowerGardens I think you should Google 'narcissistic mothers', and see if that fits with anything you are experiencing.

And if it does, you absolutely need to distance yourself. I suspect the reason that you are single is because you spend your life putting everyone else first, and it's actually nothing to do with the size or shape of your body.

The fella who treated you badly would have loved you if your body was smaller? That’s crossed over into emotional abuse IME.

I feel you need to tell her to fuck off
with her rubbish, cruelty is cruel, regardless of age, but you won’t, and I get that. I’ve got an aged parent with a big mouth too. However, you need to say those words in your head, and get her out of your mind ASAP. You’re doing her a big favour and keep that straight. You’re the one who is putting yourself out for her. That’s good of you - possibly too good, if it’s bringing you down. I’m all for duty, but not at the expense of your mental or physical health cos you only get the one life too.

FWIW your DM is no paragon of dietary health if all she’ll eat is snacky crap and bananas. Just cos she’s thin doesn’t mean she has a sensible attitude to food. She sounds like a bit of a lonely, shallow woman who hurts the ones she loves, and tbh I’d say most men would rather a less than sylph-like spouse with a good heart and a fun attitude to life than a bitter slimmy, any day of the week. The ones with good mental health anyway.

I might be wrong but I suspect I’ve had a lot more experience of men than your dear old mum, and I’ve been everything from an 8 to a 16. I would say being thin mainly led to attention from men who were about sex and projecting an image rather than taken by my sparkling personality (and big round bum) 😜 What type of relationship led to long-term happiness? Take a guess!

First of all I think you need to keep on at your siblings to help a little more with your mum care. Shouldering the majority isn’t good for anyone!!

Secondly, I don’t think I can say anything that will help it to stop, but perhaps changing the subject might help?

Please tell me you’re joking because this is utter bollocks!!!

@WildflowerGardensI think you need to be much firmer with your mother.
State one more time that she’s not to mention your weight or finding a partner and if she does, then you leave. Every time.
I think you need to rethink how much time you’re spending at hers cooking etc because that’s stopping you socialising for a start! Oh and she’s got a cheek commenting on the food you buy and eat when she’d happily chow down on peanut butter, bananas and mousse! Time to assert yourself woman!

That very much sounds like an eating disorder.

You need to start planning your escape. Your level of body fat won't stop you finding a relationship. Your caring responsibilities to someone who is determined to hollow out your self confidence will. Your siblings need to step up and you need to get out. Are there cultural expectations around care at play here?

You sound intelligent and articulate. There's no reason why you can't find a higher-paid job and get away but it will be painful and she will make it difficult for you. I wish you so much good luck .

I’ve been compared to Dakota Johnston enough times in my late twenties by men to know that I’m facially pretty, no cattiness please

Nobody is too fat to have a relationship. There is plenty of very large people who are in relationship.
Size 14-16 isnt fat.

Thank you so much - many kind and reasonable points here

You’ve exhausted all options: walking out when she mentions it, standing up for yourself, and asking her to stop. You’re not financially able to move, don’t want to go NC, and don’t want to hand her care over to Adult Social Care.

You have no further options, and a woman in her 80s will not change her mind nor shut up.

Since you’re not willing to do any of the options above, the way I see it is that you have two options:

• carry on and try not to let it get to you (easier said than done)
• fabricate a story to get her off of your back—give her the basic details, then refuse to go further into detail (a boyfriend, being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, being asexual, taking a vow of celibacy, etc)

If you are not prepared to act on any of the advice given upthread, I really don’t see any other way to get her to STFU.

My (otherwise perfect) mum used to bang on and on about my big nose. I am confident to the point of cockiness but even I got sick of it.

So I turned around and said that I would never mock my children for their appearance - what on earth was she thinking?! She never did it again. basically I shamed her out of it.

my nose is still beautiful as are you OP, size 16 is nothing and your mum is being obnoxious. you’re allowed to point that out!!!