Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

I’ve tried distancing myself before, back when I had a fiancé (marriage didn’t happen, ha),and my mum just stopped eating and became unwell. A difficult position to be in

This! She is being super super horrible to you OP, I’m outraged on your behalf because you seem to be taking this like an absolute trooper. Your mum is being grade A rude to you while you bust a gut to help her. I would honestly stop until she can control the urge to belittle and criticise you.

Hello @WildflowerGardens

You sound like a generous, thoughtful & caring person who savours things in life! Plus you are super kind to people who don’t actually deserve such kindness. You enjoy things that bring you pleasure. Someone would be lucky to get to spend time with you.

Your Mum is a misogynist - dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

This isn’t personal - although I know it feels very personal. She thinks women have to conform to get the attention of men and they have little value otherwise. Yuk!! How awful to believe those things and think that way. These and ingrained beliefs and she will never change.

So use your time to spend time with people who love you for all the whole of you. If you meet a man who wants you to slim for him - run - he’s a misogynist too! Avoid them - they get worse over time.

Be clear with your Mum - anytime she says something offensive say - ‘wow, it must be awful living with that level of control/ self loathing / misogyny/ judgement.’ And then ignore her or leave. If you want to tolerate it for some reason get counselling to figure out why and help unpack the years of harm she’s caused you.

Your siblings have preserved themselves - you need to preserve yourself and your life to to some extent. The next 10 years are important for you if you do want to build a family of your own and your Mum clearly isn’t supporting you with that. She’ll drain you and then she’ll die. Please keep energy for yourself too.

There are a few different things going on. Just on a practical level, no, you're not too fat. This is without seeing you -- it's just that over 60% of UK adults are overweight and about the same percentage are in a couple, so just statistically you can see it must be true that many overweight people have partners.

The other part is that it sounds like your mum has a pretty entrenched eating disorder where she has the fixed idea that keeping her weight low is a necessary condition to being loved and she is projecting this onto you daily. She is saying "if I gain weight, then I will be alone". Which may in fact be true for her. She is restricting her eating and this guarantees your presence -- your practical relationship seems structured around her not eating and you feeding. This cat and mouse game keeps you with her, entrapped.

Controlling behaviour around food is really common, but it's so hard to deal with if you take it at face value. It might be helpful for you to hear what she's saying as being about her, and really nothing to do with you at all.

If you can disentangle that, then maybe you can start to see what it is you are doing by delaying your life at this crucial time by spending all that time with your mum. If you do want a partner and a family, the time is now. It has to be your priority for the next five years, really, if that's what you want. That's what you need to be spending most of your time on, as there is a time limit on some of those things.

You don't have to want this -- it's not mandatory. It's possible you are participating in this damaging relationship with your mother in order to avoid it and have someone else to "blame". Sometimes we play strange tricks on ourselves in life. Try to get some distance and really think what it is you want, for yourself, and take steps to get that, yourself.

Good luck x

So this is next level emotional manipulation and control. And again focused around food and body size/ health. She likely has severely disordered eating in general and projects her issues onto you. Even more reason to get profressional support so you can deal with her horrible behaviour toward to.

What is your siblings view of this behaviour?

No, personally I don’t think a 14/16 is big at all. The average dress size in the UK is size16.

I think it’s time to sit her down and have a very adult chat with her.

Don’t get emotional. Firmly tell her that she is never to mention your weight again or you will be leaving. It’s your body and that you are very happy with it, and her constant criticism has to stop, or you will stop.

She will destroy your confidence if she carries on like this, and she needs a wake up call. I gather she’s always thought it was her right to dismiss your feelings.

You sound like a wonderful daughter and she’s very lucky to have you 💐

Awful emotional blackmail over the food.
She is an adult -if she wants to eat junk just let her!

Manipulation OP. She is diminishing your self esteem to keep you close. Listen to us, reduce your role in her life. If she choses to stop eating, and it will be a choice, let her live with the consequences of that or let the siblings step up. You have one life.

This isn't about your size, OP. It's about your mother's terror that you will meet someone, start dating and she will be left alone. If you were a size 8 she'd be telling you that your face was wrong and nobody would date you. If that didn't work she'd pick something else. At a 14/16, surely you see plenty of other and much larger ladies about in couples, every time you go outside?

She's not going to stop either. As she gets older she gets more insecure and it's coming out in trying to make YOU insecure so you will feel she is the only option you have. I'd try reversing it, every time she tells you you are too big (or whatever) for a relationship, tell her this isn't about YOU, it's about HER. Every time. You can try reassuring her that you won't leave her even if you are in a relationship, but I actually don't think this would work as she wants you available full time, so I'd just tell her to keep her insecurities to herself.

I don’t normally have insomnia, but I had several coffees yesterday (in an effort to not eat I just drank coffee) and had an anxiety attack in the night and then just stayed awake. Yes, I should lose weight for my health. I lost weight last year - several stone, in fact - but can’t remember how I did it. I think I just ate 3 eggs for dinner and nothing else all day

I understand that you don't want to go no contact (nor could i) but can you significantly reduce the amount of time you spend and the things you do for her? It seems like it significantly reduces your quality of life. The fact that you had to ask this forum this question tells you that she made you genuinely believe it could be true.

And no. It's not true. Your appearance does not correlate with your chance of happiness in a relationship.

Can you start slowly replacing some of the time you spend with your mum with a hobby you enjoy? Ok, keep doing some physical tasks for her, but stop being her emotional support if she abuses you. Take back your life.

Wishing you all strength OP 💐

I came on to say exactly this. You’ve tried everything else so I’d tell her that every time she mentions your weight that you will walk out. Not out of the room but out of the house.
Then if she starts talking about it leave the house immediately and don’t come back until the next day.
Increase the time you stay away until she realises that you mean business and won’t take being spoken to like that.
It may sound harsh OP but you’ve tried everything else and it’s now time to show her such nonsense will not be tolerated.
All the best with dealing with such a stubborn woman.

Please listen to this, OP. Your mother is controlling and manipulating you and it's a horrible irony that she's using her own eating habits as the main method.

She could live another ten or fifteen years. If you let her, she will steal this time from you and you will miss your window of opportunity to have a family of your own.

I don’t normally have insomnia, but I had several coffees yesterday (in an effort to not eat I just drank coffee) and had an anxiety attack in the night and then just stayed awake. Yes, I should lose weight for my health. I lost weight last year - several stone, in fact - but can’t remember how I did it. I think I just ate 3 eggs for dinner and nothing else all day

Have you thought about getting some therapy?

This is all tied up- not looking after yourself, maybe low self esteem, being controlled by your Mum.

Focus on yourself, not with crash diets but with sensible, long term healthy eating.

I suspect she’s saying this purposefully to trash your confidence because she knows it gets to you. I suspect she fears you will get into a relationship and then offer less of yourself to her. Somewhat in the way an abusive romantic partner might do this, to keep a partner with them.

I agree with others you should walk away/back off. If she lives off peanut butter from the jar, so what? She’s an adult and if she claims to be capable in every way, there is no reason you ought to be giving all of yourself to her.

Have a look at the Stately Homes threads, OP. There are people there who can help you. Rather like a cheating husband has 'the script', there are established behaviours that you can expect to see from a narcissistic parent as you begin to pull away. Once you begin to assert yourself she will almost certainly have a health crisis, for example, to try and reel you back in.

Seconding the recommendation to seek therapy, too. I speak from experience when I say that comfort eating is often the drug and coping strategy of choice for carers. It is a symptom that we are not meeting our own needs.

I would say she knows a relationship would be hard for you while you’re looking after her and is trying to blame you because she knows she’s the reason. Try telling her that you’d have less time for her if you weren’t single so she’s lucky you are. Is she controlling in other ways?

Your mother is being abusive. You can’t go no contact but you can tell her to shut up and bloody mean it.

Your size is not an issue OP. Your mother is just being horrible.

I work in weddings. I’d say over 50% of the brides this year were over a size 16. Some of them a lot larger. They all looked stunning, and clearly not too fat for love!

If you want to lose weight for you, that’s a different matter, but your mother should keep her nasty comments to herself

I'm far bigger than a size 14-16. I don't think I've been that size since I was a teen.

I was married for over 10 years. The marriage ended but not because of my weight. In the time since leaving him, I have had quite a lot of dates/interest. I had a relationship with someone for half a year who absolutely worshipped my body and loved my size. Also the best sex I've ever had.

All that to say - your weight is not an issue. You're not even big - 14-16 is the average woman in the UK. Your mum is a bully and is making you feel unworthy and unlovable, and who fucking knows why.

I don't have any advice in that regards but I just wanted to add my 2 cents as an actually fat person. You will find someone when you're ready. Your weight has nothing to do with that. You spend a lot of your time caring for your ageing, bullying parent, of course a relationship is not the top of your list right now.

That’s reality! Otherwise, our beauty and fashion industry won’t be around. You can’t seriously say that appearance doesn’t make a difference in initial attraction.
The only exception of course if you are the only woman on a military base! Then it doesn’t really matter..

Andy why not? She may feel better in herself if taking control of part of her situation. And, there is no need to swear. Stupid reply from you.

OP your life is being wasted looking after her. She's nasty and taking out her resentments on you.

It's her choice if she only eats crap if you stop all the shopping and cooking. That's not your responsibility.

You need to drop the rope and walk towards a life for yourself. Now - before it's too late.

I'm a bit bigger than you, and personally given my experience which you should NOT take on board btw, I have been told I am too big to be loved properly and that 'no man wants a bigger girl'. So I am trying to lose weight for health reasons and to feel better about myself. Everyone has told me the above opinion isn't valid, but I'm telling you because I completely understand how you must be feeling. This is based on MY experience only. I'm sure you are absolutely beautiful. My own Mum also told me that you could see weight gain in my face and both of her brothers pointed out (in front of people) that I had gained weight. There is so much emphasis on our weight and not the kind of people we are inside.

Don't give the OP bloody diet tips for her mother! FGS