Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

I understand, if the comments aren't helping please have them removed. I just wanted to share that it DOES happen.

That's wonderful 😍

agree that she is being needlessly unkind.
i am generally large (16-18 and 5”11) and have a very attractive kind partner who i am in a happy relationship with. nothing to worry about, not everyone is as focused on weight as she is and the right person will come along :)

I'd say "mother, I am here to help and support you, not to listen to you keep on commenting on my weight. I don't like the comments and I want you to stop." Repeat every single time she mentions it.

I am a larger lady. I was a size 16 when I met my partner. We’ve been together almost 20 years. I’ve had kids, health issues and emotional issues, each of which has impacted my weight. I am much heavier than I used to be. I don’t get up early every day to put on make up. I live in comfortable clothes. I’m grumpy and not a sparkling personality. No one would say I am pretty. My partner loves me and is very much attracted to me. Always has been at every size and stage of my life. Maybe I’m in the minority and drew the lucky straw. But you can have a happy relationship at any size. Just love you, be true to you, put yourself first. I don’t know how you deal with your mother, as the best solution would be to go low contact but as you say you don’t want to. But you don’t deserve the hatred she is aiming at you. If you can’t see her less, maybe look for some therapy to help you build resilience and ways of processing her nastiness in a way that doesn’t harm you. You deserve to be happy and not abused.

Your DM is abusive and controlling. She KNOWS she’ll reel you back in if she stops eating and becomes unwell. Perhaps your siblings are wiser to her unkindness and that’s another reason for their distance?

I went NC with my mother and one of the many reasons I did so was because she was constantly critical of my weight. She was slim when younger and gained weight as she aged and was in no position to judge! It’s remarkable how much weight I’ve lost since I stopped engaging with her perception of me, and learned to like myself again.

Low contact OP. Only do the bare minimum. She’s an adult, if she chooses not to eat, that’s on her.

Respectfully op, you’re wasting your life caring for this woman. Get help in. Things are not going to get easier either, the dating pool in your 30s is already small never mind in your 40s. I would limit your contact and get out there, you only have one life.

Learn to play the bagpipes.

I’ve come back on to say that no way is size 12/14 too big for a relationship. Your mother is being spiteful. She’s terrified you’re going to go off and leave her if you meet someone therefore she’s trying to eat away at your confidence.
my dsis is size 16 and in a relationship
my dsil is size 18 and in a relationship
my dcuz is size 20 and in a relationship. Do you see where this is going.
I’ve lost weight due to cancer and having half of my pancreas removed and developing coeliac disease. I’m 9 stone and a size 12 and trying desperately to put weight back on. I went down to 6st 4lbs and looked horrible. I want to get back up to at least 9 and a half stone and size 14 because that’s where I felt most comfortable and pretty. Even at a size 14 I was the smallest out of the women in my family who are ALL in relationships. I was a size 10 when I met my late DH but after I had my DD I went up to a size 14. Did he leave me after I’d put the weight on? Of course not.
Size and weight do not matter.
it’s having confidence in yourself that makes you attractive and I hope you realise this before your horrible dm completely robs you of your confidence.

This was my first thought

Well I have an hourglass figure and I like to wear a little make up, I’ve been single for 10 years. It must be my hair 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

Honestly, what a load of nonsense!

Well at the risk of upsetting your mother I’d tell her to shout up with her nasty comments because maybe you can’t find a partner because you are too busy caring for her. I’m significantly larger then you, I’ve been with my partner for seven years and have two young children so it’s definitely not your size.

OP you are definitely not to fat/overweight for a relationship I would have a word with your Mum tho about the remarks she is making and I would be on at your siblings to do more for their Mum it shouldn’t all be left to you.

This is the preferable solution.

If you can't or won't delegate her and her body-shaming to a professional, ignore it.

People do this when they have disordered thinking, which is very common in the field of diet & body size. They barely notice they're doing it and will justify it if forced. To accept that they're being cruel, unreasonable and mean-spirited would mean recognising something dark and cold within themselves, and that isn't going to happen at 81 years of age. You can take it as read that somebody, probably her mother, did it to her. They have a kind of dysmorphia by proxy - mine kept giving me size 22 clothes (I'm a 14/16).

It's worth having a couple of sessions with a therapist, for the explicit purpose of making yourself invulnerable. Among the things I've done: creating an invisible bubble round myself, so 'sharp words' simply bounce off; gaily telling her "No, Mum, I'm gorgeous!"; telling her I don't care; rolling my eyes and going "Not again ..." and just pretending she didn't say it.

My mother was most admiring of my figure when, as a teenager, my school identified acute anorexia and got me a shrink, who saw me at school. These mothers' opinions DO NOT MATTER. They're misguided.

I have plenty of emotional space for my mum, but refused to take part in her care when she started needing it. It was a huge relief when the siblings finally agreed to get carers in. Those women are brilliant; I recommend it!

Firstly, I am so sorry your mother is making you feel like this. Secondly you are minimising the impact of what you do for her that is a lot!
Thirdly, I may be well off the mark here but I feel as though she is either deliberately or subconsciously undermining your confidence so that you don’t find someone. Maybe she worries she will be lonely and in a difficult situation if you have a partner.
I can’t think of any helpful solutions but I hope you can learn to value yourself as the beautiful person you are.

She's knocking your self esteem to make sure you stay and look after her.
You say you don't have the option to cut her off or leave, but that you've also tried everything.
So what options do you have?
If you have no kids and no other ties then you can literally do anything you want to and go anywhere in the world you want to. The only thing stopping you is your loyalty to your mum. Who, I know id your mum and who you love but she's not appreciative of you in any way from what you describe and, frankly, doesn't deserve you.
Your mum's comfort and happiness are not your responsibility.
Nobody is "too fat" or too thin for a relationship. But this isn't about that, this about your self esteem and what you want to do about breaking free from a controlling situation which will continue if you don't start to love and care for yourself.
Tour mum isn't going to change now- I'm guessing she's in her 70s or older (sorry if I've got that wrong!) and is set in her ways. Im sorry you've been left with all the care responsibilities it's grossly unfair but sadly not uncommon.
However, she has 2 other children and you have as much right as everyone else to put your own needs first.
Please, please do. It's time you started living your life. X

This absolutely OP. I get that you can't move away but is there a reason why you have to be her carer? I mean a real reason, not that she would send social services care away.

Just mentioning here that 'social services care' barely exists any more. You'd have to be bed-bound, not merely a bit frail. We got some lovely carers from an agency recommended by her GP - we pay (with her money).

This. Get up and leave. Every single time she is nasty or unkind to you and do not return for at least 24 hours if possible leave it 3 days.

or tell her every single time you tell me anything rude, unkind or anything about me that upsets or offends me I will leave. And do it. Tell her.

it isn’t true - she has spent however many years destroying you.

Don’t leave the room leave the house - every single time. Mid cup. Mid whatever. State ‘you are not respecting me or my boundaries I am leaving’ do not listen to any apology, wailing, laughing or anything - grab your bag and leave the house. Go and turn off your phone.

why are you accepting this or being a punch bag

Can you wear noise cancelling headphones around her? Only half joking

Size 14-16 isnt fat omg! Size 20+ i would consider fat and unhealthy

I don't think size 14-16 is especially big. And anyway I know plenty of bigger people who are in marriages and long-term relationships. The idea that being overweight is a barrier to having a loving relationship is just not true. Statistically the majority of people in the country are overweight!

I used to be obese (size 20-22) and my mum was like this - constant negative body talk and undermining my confidence since childhood. Then when I lost a significant amount of weight she complained that I was "too skinny/anorexic" (I definitely wasn't, I was healthy by BMI) and she also fretted endlessly about my career.

My point is that she's set in her ways, she isn't likely to change and even if you do lose weight she will find something else to fixate on.

I laughed at this as I have a friend who looks like this, completely made up, same physique, stunning really yet she too can't find a decent man. Of course she gets attention but far from the right sort/those who see her as easy. So you can't really win.

I just saw this on Facebook from Bob Marley’s diary

Someone once asked Bob Marley if he believed in the idea of a perfect woman. His answer was simple—and unforgettable.
“Who cares about perfection?” he said. “Even the moon is full of craters. The sea is stunning, but salty and dark in the deep. The sky stretches forever, but it’s often cloudy.”
In his words, beauty was never about flawlessness. It was about meaning. About what moves you. About what’s real. The moon, the sea, the sky—none of them are perfect. But all of them are undeniably beautiful.
So why chase perfection?
You don’t need to be flawless to be loved. You don’t need to fit a mold to shine. You just need to be yourself—wildly, wonderfully, freely.
Live for what sets your soul on fire. Laugh loudly. Dance awkwardly. Be kind. Be messy. Be authentic.
Because in the end, no one falls in love with “perfect.”
They fall in love with the moonlight in your eyes, the depth of your thoughts, and the warmth of your spirit.
#BeYou #PerfectlyImperfect
~Unusual Diaries

i was brought up to believe that I would be better if I was thinner. My mother even used to buy me laxatives (lots of laxatives) to help me lose weight. At 17 she sent me to a doctor for weight loss pills (speed). Your mother is nasty. She’s using your weight to control you and feed her narcissistic supply. Be strong. Stand up to the old witch.