Disaster of a holiday…what now?

[Raisetheroof2026]

Hi wise mumsnetters. I could really use some perspective and sanity check. I’ve just returned from what can only be described as a week from hell. A much needed self catering break abroad that I’ve saved for and been excited for. I have 2 teen sons (13 and 17). I am divorced from their father and have a son with my partner (DP) -3. We’ve been together for 7 years. The entire holiday was DP and my older 2 Ds’s bickering and fighting. I’m so disappointed mainly in DP. He is meant to be the adult. He has acted like a bully at times - shouting at DS13 for washing dishes “wrong” and because he woke him up on the plane!!It’s been pretty much me stuck in the middle of it all. Sure- teenagers can be annoying but my God.

I really cannot look this man in the eye. I’m so angry with him for spoiling the holiday with his attitude. He really has been a man child.

I haven’t been happy for a while but this feels like the last straw. I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace for my younger DS to have a father present and backing my older two sons up (which I want to do!!). Has anyone been in this situation? Please advise me.

@Raisetheroof2026 you can indeed get him out!! at the very least you can call the police and ask them to remove him from your property as he is becoming aggressive and abusive to you and your children.

We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants

No. He can’t.

I think you have to prioritise your children here op. It won’t get any easier I don’t think. And it’s not great always having to be the referee for you either.

Sorry I missed the update. I hope he left eventually

I think in your place I would contact the local police station and ask for assistance. Followed by a locksmith and some outside ring bells and cameras installed.

He has no right to be there, and you must protect your children. I would be getting support and help. This feels to have escalated. Take care op.

I read on here all the time women bringing bully men into their kids homes. Everyone seems to be in such a rush to have a new relationship, move in together and have another kid, after coming out of the original relationship - instead of taking their time thinking, what impact is this relationship going to have on my kids lives. Then when the shit hits the fan, we are left we a situation, like now, where bully man is refusing to leave

I didn’t rush. My first husband left me whilst pregnant with my second. I was alone for ages. I took things very slow. I was very wary of introducing him. It took over a year.

All your boys need to see a parent that puts their welfare, care and love above the actions of a selfish bully. You need to be strong and brave, the decisions you make now will impact on the rest of theirs and your life. Talk to your husband but don’t compromise on your integrity as a parent. Your sons must come first, they need to see that you have their backs and you are there to protect, nurture and ensure their wellbeing is your number one priority. Good luck!

Does he work? Can you get all his stuff (or some of it) in bags while he's at work and call around an emergency locksmith around to day and change the locks (important in case he has his own keys, obviously), and when he gets back hand him a bag or so (maybe have a relative or friend around to protect you) and tell him he is to leave your property or else you'll call the police?

Good luck OP, go carefully with a man like that. I hope you can restore harmony to your life soon. 💗

Don't hesitate to call your local police if you have even the slightest concern that he might kick off. Tell them that you have ended the relationship with your boyfriend and that he is refusing to leave.

He has no right to stay in your home.

@Raisetheroof2026 how are you feeling today? Have you got any further ideas on how to broach this? x

Honestly, get rid. I know it'll be hard but the way he is now, he will also be with his own child at some point, maybe not now because he's 3 and he's got your other two to shout at but he will. You're protecting your youngest by removing this abusive behaviour, not letting them see how horrid their dad is to his brothers and not normalising it all. Your older two will also not forget the way this has made them feel, where do you draw the line, if he hit one would you still worry about the broken home for your youngest, because trust me, this emotional abuse and bullying isn't necessarily better than physical violence. You need to a) apologise for bringing this man into their lives and for allowing him to treat them like this and b) remove him from their lives immediately.
Honestly, just stay single for a while, being a step parent is hard, teenagers and toddlers are hard. It takes quite an incredible person to take that on, move into a family, and be a good partner and be someone you like, are attracted to and want to be with. You either don't try and find that person, wait till the kids are grown and then find someone who doesn't need to be all of that, become incredibly picky trying to find that person, or do what clearly has occurred here and settle for someone who isn't good enough to be your child's step parent.

And now he’s shown his true colours. Your poor, poor son, 13 is a key stage in his development. Get this cunt of a man out of their homes and their lives. Before he does untold damage and your relationship with them is irreparably broken.

OP was he always like this with your sons? Did they ever get along?

Honestly as a former educator I used to see so much of this - children broken by stepparents/their parents terrible relationship choices.

I’ve always felt it is utterly appalling and all adults involved in ruining the children’s lives and self esteem and sense of self should be ashamed.

Your children only get one childhood.

Complete agree. I have a friend who basically married a lying narc. She has one child with him who is now a tween. She divorced her kids dad when she was about 3.

Some people ask when is she going to get into another relationship and she says the most she will do is casually date.

But in her eyes she’s not spending huge amounts of effort and time that should go to her kid on a man who on the balance of probabilities is likely to disappoint her. And she definitely isn’t bringing unrelated males into their family unit/household.

My heart goes out to you. I can't go on holidays as a family due to my husband and adoptive children bickering and losing their temper and my husband is quick to anger and blame so I thought this post would be like mine but I'm worried now for you with the last post. We don't know enough. His reaction sounds like it could indicate a pattern of control and you are all most at risk when you try to end the relationship (as I think you know you must). Please get some help in safety planning this situation. The person who suggested changing the locks is on the right tracks but I suspect he might kick off. I would have the children and maybe yourself out of the house when this happens and let him know when you are out what you've done. Even if there's been no violence so far it doesn't mean there won't be..Sorry for stating worse case scenario.it hopefully won't come to that but I suggest you talk to a domestic abuse support agency in your area or the national helpline or your local police for support and give them the heads up for your own safety. Bullies get worse when they lose the control. Can you get any support for your children from school etc after he's gone.

I can't go on holidays as a family due to my husband and adoptive children bickering and losing their temper and my husband is quick to anger and blame so I thought this post would be like mine but I'm worried now for you with the last post

Just curious but why do you mention they’re adopted? @Goodyearforthe

I ask this because a childhood friend of mine was adopted and one of things she said screwed her up was her mum referring to as her “adopted daughter” when she introduced her to new people or spoke about her to others. She knew she was adopted, even as kids we all knew , but she didn’t want it randomly mentioned like that unless it was relevant. Eg discussing medical history with a doctor.

The children must always coms first!!! Better a broken relationship with 2 happy single parents than hell at home walking on eggshells around a moody stepdad/dad
Spell it out he either starts behaving like a man and a father figure and not an overgrown manchild or he has to leave and the relationship is over

Its not you or your boys, its him. If he cant sort himself out and talk to you then its only going to go one way. You children come first. I know its not nice for you as a.parent, but its better to be just you and your boys than in, what sounds like, quite a volatile relationship. Sounds like you're all walking on egg shells. Speak to your sons away from him. Xx

Please tell me he has left. x

You need legal advice now so get to a solicitor ASAP.

You can use the police to get him out. You can use changed locks and the court system to keep him out.

As he is nasty and aggressive, you will find the courts thing goes in your favour far more if you have had police involvement already.

Tell him to leave, if he doesn't, call the police and apply to the courts for everything via a solicitor the next day.

I was hoping for a better update such as you saying he's finally left.

So I'm assuming he's weaselled his way back into your good books with false promises and sad faces. What a waste of all your lives 😕

It’s not easy to end a relationship. Especially when you live together and there are children involved. Huge amount of emotional, practical and financial stresses mean it’s not always as easy as just LTB! I‘m not saying OP should stay in the relationship. I was one of the posters who said they had also been in a relationship where step parent had clashed with my DC and where I had moved out (other reasons as well) and I advised OP to prioritise her older DSs. However it took me several attempts. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. The DP in this case sounds aggressive, and controlling and that makes leaving even harder. One of the least helpful things is the shame attached to not ending things straight away. Where people on this forum (and maybe IRL) are saying “haven’t you left yet?” and so on. It makes you feel terrible shame. You know what you must do but it is really hard if you’re in an abusive relationship. You may not have the strength or the fight left in you, you may have had your confidence eroded. You may be scared. Shame on top of all that can make you crawl into your shell!

FWIW @Raisetheroof2026 if you’re still here then I think you know what you need to do. It’s hard not to get sucked back in or to let things drift until it gets blown over again, temporarily. I think everyone here wants to support you and if you’re feeling pressure or shame and that prevents you coming back here then start a new thread, if you need support. There is another thread I am watching where the OP has suddenly realised her DH is an abusive asshole and she is trying to leave. Everyone on that thread is sooooo supportive. There’s no shaming statements asking why she hasn’t left yet. MN can be a great source of support. I think the difference here is that you have DC and everyone can be very quick to judge you as a parent.

I just wanted to say I get it. We’re here to support you with emotional or practical advice if you need it. If not, then good luck. You can do it. It’s hard, but very worthwhile and you’ll be so glad you did a few months from now.

Whilst I appreciate the messages the tone of this one and a few others are particularly off. Because I haven’t updated you and done what you have advised them he’s “weaseled” his way back? Honestly. I’ve had a mental 24 hours. A very emotional and practically busy one. Yes he’s left. Yes it’s the right thing to do. It’s very hard all round. Thanks for everything and I’m signing off here to deal with the fallout.