Disaster of a holiday…what now?

[Raisetheroof2026]

Hi wise mumsnetters. I could really use some perspective and sanity check. I’ve just returned from what can only be described as a week from hell. A much needed self catering break abroad that I’ve saved for and been excited for. I have 2 teen sons (13 and 17). I am divorced from their father and have a son with my partner (DP) -3. We’ve been together for 7 years. The entire holiday was DP and my older 2 Ds’s bickering and fighting. I’m so disappointed mainly in DP. He is meant to be the adult. He has acted like a bully at times - shouting at DS13 for washing dishes “wrong” and because he woke him up on the plane!!It’s been pretty much me stuck in the middle of it all. Sure- teenagers can be annoying but my God.

I really cannot look this man in the eye. I’m so angry with him for spoiling the holiday with his attitude. He really has been a man child.

I haven’t been happy for a while but this feels like the last straw. I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace for my younger DS to have a father present and backing my older two sons up (which I want to do!!). Has anyone been in this situation? Please advise me.

Put your DC first.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. He’s broken up the relationship with op by his actions. And I’ve not even mentioned his moodiness aka emotional abuse. Such men are not amenable to be counselled and joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Put yourself and your kids first. Your older sons are learning everything about how to treat a woman and family life based on your relationship

End it. I had a situation with father of youngest DC, and my eldest child (not bio child). I did end it, but wish i’d done it sooner. 15yrs has passed, and I still feel a lot of regret that I didn’t end it when I first noticed the signs. Youngest are 21 and 17 now and have retained a good relationship with their father despite us splitting when they were 5 and 2. He is the adult as you say, or supposed to be. So he should not be acting like he is. It won’t change, and can cause a lot of harm to your DC.

My ex was like this with my daughter. And me. I told him how unhappy it made me and he continued to act this way. My life is a trillion times better without him in it. You and all your kids deserve better. He won't change. You don't have to live like this.

Choose your children

Sadly, men are inherently selfish. They are worse on holiday, when they think the whole event is about their wants, and if they don't get what they want (at everyone else's expense) it isn't possible for them to enjoy it.

If you have a man who is not like this, hang onto him.

You need to get rid of him. Don’t let him bully your children.

Oh my, what a pickle. However, the good news is the house is yours so he'd be the one moving out and you can keep the family unit together, and not have to change up loads of other stuff like schools, doctors etc. Tell him his behaviour on holiday was painful to you, and you can't look at him with affection at the moment. You need at least a month apart to recover and see if it's worth working on. So sorry OP, you must feel horrendous. Sending big virtual hugs xxx

I married someone like your dp. No matter how many conversations or how old my dc were he didn’t get it. The amount of times I said “you are the adult”. Like you I felt stuck in the middle. Plus they were his children. He was worse with my child who has sen. Eventually it ended for a few reasons. My regret is not doing it sooner. Now they see him less but he is a better parent for it. Not that it makes it ok. I found counselling helped could you go and see if it helps you make a decision? This relationship made me realise I will never live with another man until my dc are grown up.

I’m going against the grain. My eldest has a different father to my younger two. The teen years were very, very hard, DS1 and DH fought almost constantly it felt like. Every meal time some months. It caused friction between myself and DH, the other two children didn’t like it either, not such a huge age gap between all 3. Now DS1 was a difficult teen, he is AUDHD and can be hard work, he also never ever backed down even when he was wrong, he wasn’t always wrong. But he often was rude, difficult, overstepping.

I didn’t think DH and I would make it, I was very, very protective of DS1 and frustrated that it seemed the other two were never pulled up by DH. I cannot tell you how many times we discussed it. round and round in circles we went.

DS1 is now 18, he has a fantastic relationship with DH. Really good. If I had split from DH it would have been so disruptive for all 3 children especially my eldest. And frankly I would have been miserable as well.

I honestly think that sometimes - particularly with male teens they butt heads with a male adult for the very sake of it. And men just don’t back down or pacify in the same way women can/do and probably teen boys don’t cause the grief to their mothers they do to males. It wasn’t always my teens fault though, DH overreacted as well.

I would say look at your relationship with your partner without the children involved, if that’s ok, look at the positives he brings to the children as a whole, look at the past and see if there is a future, marriage and blended families are difficult. But it might not be worth throwing it away.

There is no choice to be made the options are
you stay and loose your older children and you will as they get older
you leave and your little one can have a relationship with your ex and you can freely breathe and have peace of mind as can your older boys.

Ask yourself what he brings to the table - not a lot by the sounds of it. Is he a role model you want for your son's? Again, I think you know the answer. You could try talking to him and couples counseling but in the long run, is this relationship worth saving? Find someone who treats you and your sons well, you all deserve better.

Blended families are a minefield. You can't make your older kids lives a misery for the sake of keeping your new family together. He sounds like a dick tbh, your poor kids.

Please get rid of a man that makes your life difficult. I know that sounds flippant, but it is honestly that simple. Your priority has to be your children. x

If you have no safety concerns about doing so you could consider showing your partner this thread and giving him the chance to reflect on his behaviour and what others think about it. He might have become someone that he never wanted to be and want the chance to try to change.

Same here. Married one similar (didn’t clock that at the time but ultimately he was. Stayed with him too long, so sadly the model my sons saw was dysfunctional (me too pleasing). So regret I didn’t give them a healthier dynamic.

I'm sorry you've had a disappointing holiday. I think if I did a big holiday (planes/abroad etc although like you I love a self catering bargain) I'd have had similar issues. My partner of nearly a decade doesn't get involved in parenting my teenagers nor would we holiday together as a group but maybe we are weird! He has elderly relatives and I have teens so we live apart quite companionably so admittedly not quite the same set up.

I get away on holiday with my teens just me and them and then I go away with him separately. Not necessarily bank breaking stuff, just know my boys and he gets along but not wanting to have the pressure cooker of anyone having to behave, and I couldn't stand DP commenting on my parenting or what they chose to do which he probably wouldn't but in the nicest way might.

If you think the relationship has a chance and for your youngest son, separate the things you do with each, is my advice. your kids can relax just you and them, and you can build family time with your little one and your partner if he's not otherwise an arse.

Do it before the 3yo gets any older. The older boys will all relax and everyone will be happier without this joysucker in your lives any more than he needs to be.

Thankfully you have never married him so you can just ask for your key back, change the locks anyway, chin up, tits out and crack on.

Lose your husband now or lose your older kids as soon as they are able to move out.
I think its an easy choice.
My dh mum choose a awful step dad who was a bully. My dh moved out at 17 and really resented his mum for putting herself before her kids.
Your 3 year old will still have a dad. He doesnt need to live with him full time .

Agree

The whole holiday thing is an utter nightmare. I note you have been saving and looking forward to. Horrible things, holidays.

It’s just about fine because normal life means we aren’t in each others faces

And there we have it

How reductive.
🙄

I wouldn't want my youngest to be around this either. I Know what I would do but i saw my DM stay with my SD even after she witnessed his abuse on numerous occasions. She didn't want to be a single mum again. it absolutely ruined my childhood and i find really difficult to forgive my DM for staying with him.