Disaster of a holiday…what now?

[Raisetheroof2026]

Hi wise mumsnetters. I could really use some perspective and sanity check. I’ve just returned from what can only be described as a week from hell. A much needed self catering break abroad that I’ve saved for and been excited for. I have 2 teen sons (13 and 17). I am divorced from their father and have a son with my partner (DP) -3. We’ve been together for 7 years. The entire holiday was DP and my older 2 Ds’s bickering and fighting. I’m so disappointed mainly in DP. He is meant to be the adult. He has acted like a bully at times - shouting at DS13 for washing dishes “wrong” and because he woke him up on the plane!!It’s been pretty much me stuck in the middle of it all. Sure- teenagers can be annoying but my God.

I really cannot look this man in the eye. I’m so angry with him for spoiling the holiday with his attitude. He really has been a man child.

I haven’t been happy for a while but this feels like the last straw. I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace for my younger DS to have a father present and backing my older two sons up (which I want to do!!). Has anyone been in this situation? Please advise me.

Ask yourself why you are with a moody and bad tempered twat. He is ruining what remains of childhood/teenagerhood for your older two children. How long before he goes the same way with his biological child (the 3 year old)?

Does he currently favour the three year old as a golden child over your older two? How awful for them!!

I think you know what you really need to do. Access to the 3 year old can be sorted after you have left him.

What are your living arrangements? Rented or owned? Please tell us you didn't give up your own house to move you and your teenagers into one owned/rented by him alone??

But if you allow this man to stay in your lives as a partner you are effectively saying to your older children that they are less important than your youngest child . Not a great message .

DS13. He’s desperate to win my DPs affection and friendship but DP is a cold fish and cannot lean into it at all

This is so damaging for your poor DS. Does he have any other strong male role models to look up to? Someone more…reciprocal?

Oh, and your DP sounds like a millstone around your neck. What does he add to the family?

Thanks so much for the messages. Yes - all of us live in my house. It’s just my name on the mortgage. So a split would be relatively easy I think. I know you are all right. I’m just devastated.

That made me really sad for your 13 year old. He’s desperate to forge a relationship with this man and he’s cold and critical. This is going to destroy your son’s self esteem if you don’t nip it in the bud. What is his relationship with his dad like? Does he have other strong male role models in his life? Can he get involved in some sports or activities where he’ll get support and guidance from men without the bullying.

Your youngest won’t remember how things are if you split now. Your eldest two will remember forever if you put this man before them.

Oh and I’m not judging I promise. I’ve been in this situation and had to end a 10 year relationship with a man I loved deeply because of the impact some of his behaviour would have on my DCs. We went several years without incident, hence it taking 10 years, but once I saw that it was still there lurking under the surface, I had to put my children first and say this isn’t teaching them the right things about relationships.

Surely even if you split your partner will still father his child? Anyway, that’s no reason to stay together. Do what’s right for YOU though.

You really have to put your children and yourself first. You feel miserable at the thought of splitting up, but you are totally miserable right now anyway. Bite the bullet and get it sorted.

Once you have made up your mind you will be so relieved, and maybe your partner will be also.

It's not easy, but think of the bliss of not having to put up with the conflict, bad atmosphere, eggshell walking, and general all round nastiness anymore. Good luck.

It's not really a choice is it? You don't need permission op.

Your son is a “whipping boy “ for your Partners cruel mood swings . He sounds like a mean spirited man .
Better to walk away now than alienate your children further

That helps a lot. He needs to go and live elsewhere.

It's good that you own the house with just your name on the mortgage and that you're not married.

You need to tell him to leave. He sounds more childish than your actual children.

Thanks everyone.

I’m sorry, OP, I think your dc are far more important so it makes sense to kick him to the kerb. Your dc have no choice, you do. It sounds like the disadvantages outweigh the benefits (what benefits?!) He ruined a hard earned holiday and you say life is normally ok because you’re not in each other’s faces in normal life. That’s no way to think about it!

You aren't married and it's your house.
Do you tell him to knock it off ? Because I would make it very clear if its him or your older boys, he can get out.

I'd ask him to move out for a while. Do it whilst your sons are out of the house - all of them- and be prepared to call the police if he won't go.

He will tell you your sons are the problem. They aren't. Don't even mention them. Just say it's not working anymore. His temper, his controlling and bullying.

Everything you’ve written about this man here makes him sound like a total pillock. Why are you with a cold moody fish? Why is your bar in hell?

I've been the child in this situation. My mother had to choose between me and her husband and she chose her husband. I went no contact with her some years ago and would have done so 15 years before that if other family members had "let me" do it.

DP are temporary. DC are for life. Choose who you can't live without.

He needs to go now to his mother.

This man is abusive towards you and the kids so the relationship is over anyway. Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse.

He’s never accepted your eldest two and relations between then were further soured when you had a child by him. This is no life for all these children and you. He likely targeted you to abuse because you were a single parent who had divorced and so were more vulnerable to approaches from predators like this man.

Going forward I would suggest you get therapy re this bloke and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Don’t wreak your future relationship with your eldest two in particular because of this man. It may well be he’ll play silly buggers re access to his child too , be prepared for that scenario. Put you and all your children first now.

And if he is that bothered about his own child he can see him in a contact centre. He is also financially responsible for him.

No informal agreement re access should be made because of his abuse towards you.

You have a small child with a man who has a temper and is moody, but it’s ok because he isn’t around much?

You are already a single parent. Move on with all your children and create peace for everyone.

Don't stay with a man who bullies your sons. Not sure why you were stuck in the middle, if someone was bullying my sons I would not be in the middle. I'd be protecting my 13 year old child.

re being unhappy - he’s moody and has a bad temper. It’s just about fine because normal life means we aren’t in each others faces.

So it's just about fine as long as you can avoid each other, but being stuck together on holiday results in misery?

This is no way to live, OP, and you know it. Sorry.

"moody and bad-tempered" are roundabout ways of saying someone doesn't treat you with respect. I'm afraid that doesn't improve over time (I speak from experience!), and there are much nicer men in the world (I speak from happy experience!).

Good luck!

Oh op when did he ever think this was a competition between your sons and him, no competition here mate , you need a good conversation with him to say this, he is making you pick op he seeing how far he can push this, but remember it was never a competition, he is making it one, your boys needs you, he wants you and is making you pick him over them op,
Talk to the boys explain how you feel and you have their backs 💯 and that you never want them to feel any other way,

Why do men need to play this game !!
Good luck op,

Agree with this.

Men just resort to banging their chests and trying to claim dominance over everyone …. Not cute.

I have two DS myself and after a recent horrendous experience with fairly new DP I won’t be having men in my household moving forwards.

It just doesn’t work.