Disaster of a holiday…what now?

[Raisetheroof2026]

Hi wise mumsnetters. I could really use some perspective and sanity check. I’ve just returned from what can only be described as a week from hell. A much needed self catering break abroad that I’ve saved for and been excited for. I have 2 teen sons (13 and 17). I am divorced from their father and have a son with my partner (DP) -3. We’ve been together for 7 years. The entire holiday was DP and my older 2 Ds’s bickering and fighting. I’m so disappointed mainly in DP. He is meant to be the adult. He has acted like a bully at times - shouting at DS13 for washing dishes “wrong” and because he woke him up on the plane!!It’s been pretty much me stuck in the middle of it all. Sure- teenagers can be annoying but my God.

I really cannot look this man in the eye. I’m so angry with him for spoiling the holiday with his attitude. He really has been a man child.

I haven’t been happy for a while but this feels like the last straw. I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace for my younger DS to have a father present and backing my older two sons up (which I want to do!!). Has anyone been in this situation? Please advise me.

Tell DP your children come first and if he doesn’t back off, you have no choice.

Get rid of this man.

I am in a similar position and I feel really sorry for you. I have two older kids - one has left home (F) and one is 19 (M) have younger children with current partner. Partner never really bonded with the 19 year old, probably because we did 50/50 with 19 YO’s Dad, mine and partners relationship was a slow burner so it was never a step dad type of relationship and we did have a bumpy ride. Over the last 4/5 years it’s been very difficult, I felt my partner was being over critical of my son (he definitely was), every single thing my son did he had a problem with - little things really and I did post on here for advice and overwhelmingly people told me to get rid of partner (easier said than done) we have broken up a couple of times over it. I will just say, as son has gotten older I’ve realised that a lot of what my partner was saying about him is true, he is very lazy, hasn’t managed to secure decent employment, grunts, messy room, damaging things etc. Much of this I accept blame for because I should have been on his case more about tidying up, employment, college etc. It’s got to the point now where I’m glad when my son isn’t here because it’s easier and our mother /son relationship has become strained. I don’t really have advice but I wanted to tell you I feel for you because it’s hard to walk away from a relationship when you’ve children together and have seen how a broken home can affect children. My only advice would be to step back and see if your partner does have a point with some of the issues because I was exceptionally defensive and I’m kind of paying the price for that by having a young adult that has very little respect for me. I hope you can sort this.

I feel so sorry for the DS13. He’s desperate to win my DPs affection and friendship but DP is a cold fish and cannot lean into it at all.

That made me feel like crying! Your poor kids.

I agree. Really harsh, I’ve seen blended families work.

Well yes it’s the birth parents who are at fault in the first place for introducing unsuitable new partners into the children’s home.

It’s not worth having a man when they treat your kids like utter shit. It was heartbreaking to read what you wrote about your 13 year old. What are you thinking? Get rid of the man child, you’re prioritising being in a horrible relationship over the well-being of ALL your children. I got rid. Life is easier and peaceful.

What a prat put your kids first

Oh dear being a step parent especially with sons is really difficult. You are both parents. He is a father figure to all of your sons. Maybe the 13 year old triggers him? Find out what that about. ..your son could feel like he's trying to win him over. Do they have time together. Does your DP take then to sports or fixtures. I would personally get your partner on side with you as men can feel ignored with DSs and be jealous of their relationship with you. It's best to have some control and boundaries over how they all communicate and that's your job to set the tone for respect and consideration. I'd not allow my DC to wake my DP on a flight. I'd also accept that the washing up needs doing to a high standard. Ultimately he's teaching hem how to be men. Cold fish or not you chose him so he must be good enough not perfect just good enough. As the only female amongst a bunch of blokes it's your job to soften it all a bit and get everyone being civilised.

Your kids should not have to live with a ''moody'' man with a ''bad temper''...

End this relationship for their sake and yours.

Your boys are more important and from your op, it's pretty obvious you know this from how you've stuck up for your kids and recognised the child your oh has been. Sounds like you'll make the right decision

Teens can be a pain. A man who knows this will handle it well. Sounds like your DP is a bit of a dick. I remarried with 2 teenage DC. My new DH had been a youth worker - university trained - and handled the DC with kid gloves but also firmly. He managed to straighten out the mess my ex had made of my DS (who is now successful and in a good job, which didn't look likely when he was 21 and had dropped out of 2 universities) and my DD was very fond of him. He sadly died 18 mths ago.
If your DP reacts as he did on your hols I would find another DP, quite frankly.

Well just don't bring another moody bastard of a partner into your young DS life and he will be fine.

You know what you have to do. I was in your situation, i chose my children.

Get him gone!! Surely the holiday won’t have been the first sign so sounds like he should have been gone a long time ago (or not moved in to start with….) or has this attitude only just reared its head?

It doesn't need to be like this. Me and my partner met when my boys were 3&5 and then we went in to have two more DS. He never ever shouted at my older two even when their behavior was pushing the limits. He always respected that boundary. He has always talked to them like human beings and shown them care and love ...my sons are now in their 30s and really have a great relationship with my DH ...your husband sounds vile. Protect your boys, they need praise and love especially as they enter in the hardest part of their lives. I would leave and protect them.

Always, always put your children first

This makes me sad. Your poor DS13. Childhood rejection can seriously mess you up as an adult (speaking from experience), perhaps even magnified when it’s a male child and a ‘father’ figure.

Your youngest DS will forgive you for separating. Your older DSs won’t forgive you if you stay together. Not given what you’ve described.

Same. I left.

The way your older sons are treated now is your glimpse into your youngest sons future. Your partner may love him because he's his son, but his character, the moods, temper, impatience, criticism, need to weild power and make children feel small, that won't change, because that's who he is. Is keeping a father in the home for a small child worth having a bully in his home when he's a teen?

Wise words here

So sorry op

You can't allow this xxx

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

There are no medals for women who stay in relationships with bad tempered moody men. There’s only regret for not leaving them sooner.

I agree. We children walked around on egg shells when my father was around. It definitely affects your behaviour when you grow up. I have 4 siblings and not one of them wasn't adversely affected by his nasty moods.