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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disaster of a holiday…what now?

180 replies

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 08:52

Hi wise mumsnetters. I could really use some perspective and sanity check. I’ve just returned from what can only be described as a week from hell. A much needed self catering break abroad that I’ve saved for and been excited for. I have 2 teen sons (13 and 17). I am divorced from their father and have a son with my partner (DP) -3. We’ve been together for 7 years. The entire holiday was DP and my older 2 Ds’s bickering and fighting. I’m so disappointed mainly in DP. He is meant to be the adult. He has acted like a bully at times - shouting at DS13 for washing dishes “wrong” and because he woke him up on the plane!!It’s been pretty much me stuck in the middle of it all. Sure- teenagers can be annoying but my God.

I really cannot look this man in the eye. I’m so angry with him for spoiling the holiday with his attitude. He really has been a man child.

I haven’t been happy for a while but this feels like the last straw. I feel like I have to choose between keeping the peace for my younger DS to have a father present and backing my older two sons up (which I want to do!!). Has anyone been in this situation? Please advise me.

OP posts:
ILikeFerns · 25/08/2025 22:48

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 22:34

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

If you are not married and his name is not on the contract / mortgage he has no right to stay there.
But you need to keep yourself safe, if he is getting aggro maybe leave it for tonight.
Have you got someone who can come round while you get him to leave?

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 25/08/2025 22:52

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 09:02

Thanks for the replies.
re being unhappy - he’s moody and has a bad temper. It’s just about fine because normal life means we aren’t in each others faces.
I understand the children can be hard work but they are children. He is an adult. I feel so sorry for the DS13. He’s desperate to win my DPs affection and friendship but DP is a cold fish and cannot lean into it at all. I want to choose my older two naturally but then I’m making a broken parent relationship again for my younger DS.
this is all a mess and I just want to cry.

This makes such sad reading.
Good for you for admitting it's over and putting your lovely boys first. All of them, even your toddler, will benefit from not having this person around. And great that you aren't reliant on him for money or a house.

HappyWelsh · 25/08/2025 22:56

JadedVeryJaded · 25/08/2025 14:52

Your poor children. Blended families don’t work, it’s often the children who are dragged into their mum or dad’s new marriage who really suffer.

This is a very weird and untrue thing to say, and most certainly not helpful! I have a blended family of my own, come from a blended family and have lots of friends who come from and have blended families. You’re talking absolute rubbish here!

FollowSpot · 25/08/2025 23:07

Well done OP, that all sounds very difficult.

If you feel unsafe, do not hesitate to call the police.

In the morning maybe try and get some legal advice if he still will not go.

Have you got a relative who could come over? Or that the Dc could go to while you sort this out?

Thinking of you.

TheGrimSmile · 25/08/2025 23:10

You protect your children from the man-child.

abracadabra1980 · 25/08/2025 23:17

Any step-partner or step parent who shouted at my children, would be leaving; maybe not right then, but as soon as practicable. It smacks of a lack of self control/emotional intelligence and protecting your children first is your main responsibility. He is highly likely to shout at your 3yr old at some point, too.

LittleGreenDragons · 25/08/2025 23:18

We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants.

The police will tell him otherwise. Once you have asked him to leave then he HAS to leave as it's not his house. However, if you feel safe enough, then let him stay tonight and tell him again in the morning. If he still refuses then contact the police, they will "help" him leave.

You have three children you need to protect and quite honestly staying in a toxic household is far far worse than a "broken" home.

Jellybellycat · 25/08/2025 23:24

I would not allow any man to come between my children and I and I would now allow any man to treat them in this way.

Your child is trying to build a relationship with him and is essentially being rejected every time - by his own mums partner, in his own home. That is desperately sad. Home should be a safe space for our kids, they should be fully relaxed and able to be themselves. Show them that they come first by getting rid of this bully.

If he won’t leave peacefully please make sure you get support so that you and your children are safe.

Anyahyacinth · 25/08/2025 23:31

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 22:34

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

Be very careful to be safe. He sounds unpredictable. Do whatever you can to stay safe

Amybelle88 · 25/08/2025 23:33

He is treating your child poorly, but that won’t be what your child remembers most, they will remember that you stuck around and allowed it to keep happening.

MumWifeOther · 25/08/2025 23:36

Never, ever would I allow a man who is not my child’s (and only if he was a good one) father, shout at my kids. It would make my blood boil and I would probably warn him in front of my boys to never try it again or we’re done.

MumWifeOther · 25/08/2025 23:38

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 22:34

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

Just read this. If he doesn’t leave, wait for him to go out tomorrow and change the locks.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/08/2025 23:49

LittleGreenDragons · 25/08/2025 23:18

We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants.

The police will tell him otherwise. Once you have asked him to leave then he HAS to leave as it's not his house. However, if you feel safe enough, then let him stay tonight and tell him again in the morning. If he still refuses then contact the police, they will "help" him leave.

You have three children you need to protect and quite honestly staying in a toxic household is far far worse than a "broken" home.

This!

@Raisetheroof2026 I really do feel you should get support to remove him from the police. I don't want you to be unsafe in your own home. As it's your home and you are not married, you can change the locks and have the police remove him.

His refusal and "can stay if he wants", reaction would reaffirm in me that you are doing the right thing in getting rid of this creature.

Mix56 · 25/08/2025 23:50

You need to tell him You are done , it is your house, he has to leave, & if he doesn't you will call the police, & they will tell him to go.
Watch out for crying & promises & asking for a second chance…. It’s just a question of time till he reverts to same.
You are doing the right thing.

Confusedmeanderings · 26/08/2025 00:16

You are definitely doing the right thing.

Enough4me · 26/08/2025 00:23

Stay safe OP. If you can ask his family to help him move out could that help? (Otherwise the police).

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 26/08/2025 00:42

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 22:34

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

Omg this is literally my life! People just don’t get it though. You can’t make them go unless you call the police and then even that is a grey area because it’s their home. You can’t get an eviction notice (it’s not called that but it’s basically 30 days notice to vacate) but honestly that’s absolutely brutal to go through and finances become tangled etc. I’m so sorry OP.

Ringthebell26 · 26/08/2025 00:43

I feel so sorry for the DS13. He’s desperate to win my DPs affection and friendship but DP is a cold fish and cannot lean into it at all.

These sentences are so sad.

It’s time for him to pack his bags.

GarlicLitre · 26/08/2025 00:54

Just sending you a shoulder-squeeze, OP. It really doesn't sound as if this man's cut out for family life - but that's still seven years of your hopes, plans and faith in his potential to mourn. I admire your strength and wisdom in doing what's right for the whole family, despite your disappointment.

I hope it doesn't sound too trite to point out that you have had plenty of good times together, and got a cute baby! If you can, take the good memories as a win. Also be quietly pleased you won't be spending any more of your future on a 'cold fish', and look forward to re-boosting your teenagers' confidence.

Flowers
EnglishRain · 26/08/2025 02:27

I separated when my DD was 2Y10M. She is 5 now and has no recollection of living with daddy. She was fine when we split, no notable impact on her (he left and we stayed put).

Sounds like a difficult situation tonight, thinking of you. Also think you are doing the right thing. Your older boys will see you’ve out them first. They’re at an age where parental relationships can be tricky, best not give them a reason to want to be distant and or have less to do with you.

ThatBlackCat · 26/08/2025 05:00

Raisetheroof2026 · 25/08/2025 22:34

Believe me, I know I need to split. I asked him to leave to go stay with family tonight and it didn’t go down well. We aren’t married but he refused to go and said he can stay if he wants. I’m trying to be reasonable and not have an explosive situation here at home with shouting. I feel totally stuck but I appreciate everyone’s input. This is absolutely over. I’ll update when I can.

Yes - all of us live in my house. It’s just my name on the mortgage.

OP, he CANNOT 'stay if he wants'. It's YOUR house. He legally has NO RIGHT to be there. He is now a trespasser! Tell him it's your house, in your name, he is a trespasser now and if he doesn't leave you will call the police.

converseandjeans · 26/08/2025 05:13

He sounds horrible & you need to get him out. It sounds like you own the house which helps. You can’t sacrifice your eldest children’s childhood just so the youngest has a father present.

What is the situation with the father of the eldest boys? Can they go there while you resolve this?

Alisondewy · 26/08/2025 06:22

This was me a few years ago. I tried to smooth it all over.so many times, making excuses for his bullying behaviour to my teenage sons. He refused counselling. We are splitting up now and I'm moving on. I chose my kids over him.

FluffyBoob · 26/08/2025 06:30

Pepperedpickles · 25/08/2025 08:59

You need to leave. He’s a bully and your sons deserve a happy childhood- all of them. Your poor sons.

He needs to leave. I bet its your house he's come to live in

Elle771 · 26/08/2025 06:33

If hes refusing to leave your house and you're not married, he needs to go... glad you're putting dc first x