Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

What do you hope to achieve by contacting him?

What is your intent? What’s the purpose of the catch up?

What was the nature of your relationship?

Honestly, my instinct is 90% no.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs
Just a bit of a catch up. Chitchat. Nostalgia.
I am severely disabled. Couldn’t have an affair if I wanted to.
We had an on/off thing for many years but were also good friends.

Regardless of your intent, I imagine this would be unsettling for his wife and possibly him too. If you’ve had no contact for years, leave them alone.

Are you in a relationship?

I don’t think going down memory lane is a positive thing for a person to do, when they are in a commitment with another.

I understand nothing will physically happen, but the reminiscing about the past can stray into emotional affair/betrayal territory very easily.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

But you have no idea how he will interpret your getting in touch.
Or the state of his marriage.
Or how his wife would feel.
Or how the contact with him will develop.

I'm really sorry about your health issues but honestly I don't think getting in touch with your ex is a good idea.

In a word, no. If you don't want to upset his wife leave him alone.

I don't think many married people would like it if their spouse was catching up with an old ex for nostalgia to be honest.

I think it is absolutely fine. But lots of people on MN are seriously weird about men and women being friends, let alone exes being friends.

l wouldn't because you could be stirring up a Hornet's nest .

As far as I know they are very happy.

No, I am not in a relationship and never want to be ever again.
I couldn’t have sex if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.

I know his wife a little bit in that I met her a few times years ago and I went to their wedding.

Any relationship between us beyond friendship had been over for several years before he met his wife and got married.

No. Leave him and his wife alone.

There are other peeps to contact, please leave this one to your personal history.

Yes, I think I would do it if your relationship was on friendly terms (ie not romantic, not antagonistic).

Weird responses. I think it's absolutely fine, and would be fine if my husband's ex got in touch in these circumstances.
Sorry your health isn't great, OP x

Of course it's fine. Many, many people are on friendly terms with their exes, without there being anything flirtatious or romantic about it.

You're all adults and capable of having a personal relationship that's on different terms from the one you had years ago. If the wife can't grasp the possibility of this, she needs to grow up.

I think these responses are bizarre too. I also think that if your heath issues are severe, it is natural to want to meet people that were significant in your life. If you want to meet to catch up then I think it is fine provided no boundaries are crossed

This, leave well alone.

I wouldn’t think twice, but then I’m on perfectly good terms with a few of my exes.

I think since you went to their wedding then I would reach out to him. However, in the message I would make your intent clear, that you’re not doing well and just want a friendly chat/ catch up with some people you’ve been friends with over the years and then I would leave it open to allow him to decide if he wants to reply.
I would also mention his wife and family in the message and say I hope they’re all doing well- that sort of thing.

Honestly, I find MN fascinating; why on earth would it be a problem to talk to someone who you once knew? Why would their current relationship be so insecure that this would cause their wife’s world to shatter?
being able to explore and understand your past can be incredibly healing - we change and develop as people, but our experiences shape us in ways which we don’t always understand.at the time. I’d say try to reach out, but do it transparently - and especially if you attended their wedding you must already know the wife.

He's an ex for a reason, so I probably wouldn't. But it's very context specific, so not a complete no.

I’m also confused at some of these responses. You went to their wedding, but that’s less strange than catching up with him after a few years? Clearly this guys wife knows the OP is no threat to their marriage since she went to their wedding and hasn’t spoken to him in ages!

How would your husband feel?

I’d email them both together and explain.