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Original poster

Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

171 replies

Mrsmunchofmunchington · 23/08/2025 07:16

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

OP posts:
rhabarbarmarmelade · 23/08/2025 19:29

Of course! Why not? We deposit a little of ourselves in our friendships. I think everyone has the right to claim that again it can be unsettling….but thats life and proof we existed. I don’t get everyone’s fears. Maybe this is the stance of an older person….

zaxxon · 23/08/2025 19:29

Feelinglost10 · 23/08/2025 19:10

No it is NOT ok to contact a married ex. For what? If I was his wife I would be absolutely furious.

Show quote history

Really? Why?

TwoTuesday · 23/08/2025 19:29

You've described him as an "ex" in your first post, rather than a "friend" as you added later, so I would leave it. As you see him primarily as an ex and you worry it would upset his wife. Implying she would also see you as an ex and not a friend. And you've not been in touch as friends for years.
That's just me though, I'm not friends with any exes. If any of them got in touch after 20+ years I would find it very odd and if they told me it was because eg they are dying, I would feel emotionally blackmailed into responding even if I would rather not. And yes it would cause an issue with my DP.

I know others keep exes as friends and that's great. But even with friends I wouldn't look to contact them after 20+ years, if they were lifetime friends they would still be in your life. I'd maybe just remember him fondly OP, you might be inviting drama in.

Lollypop701 · 23/08/2025 19:33

It wouldn’t bother me if a female friend contacted my dh…or if he went for a drink with them . But then I can have a drink and a chat with a male friend without booking in to the local hotel.

If someone is going to cheat then they are going cheat and there’s nothing I can do to stop it…

shared history is lovely op, send him a message and enjoy nostalgia and a chat.

Encrochat · 23/08/2025 19:34

Oooov. Op
You know exactly what you're doing

Thatweegirl · 23/08/2025 19:37

So many weird responses on this! I can't imagine how insecure a relationship must be for this to be a threat to it. I would have no issues at all if an ex contacted my husband in these circumstances.
It's actually a bit scary to me that so many people in this thread are opposed to this, especially when you have described your health OP. The lack of empathy is shocking. If your first instinct is to think this would be a threat to her ex's relationship instead of how lovely it would be for the OP to have a chat with him before her health deteriorates further then I think you have some issues of your own.

OP, please contact this person, we only get one life and it is too short. I am sorry you are in such poor health.

sesquipedalian · 23/08/2025 19:37

“There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married”

OP, it has nothing to do with how you feel, or even how he might feel, and everything to do with how his wife might feel about it. My DH has ex’s - I would not be impressed if they tried to get in touch, no matter how “life limiting” a condition they might have. Leave the past in the past - if it weren’t for social media, I doubt you’d be able to get in touch with him.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 23/08/2025 19:40

@Mrsmunchofmunchington if I were his wife you would definitely have my blessing to get in touch with him.

Sleeplessinscotland1 · 23/08/2025 19:40

Of course it is ok - my partner has female friends and one who particularly relies on him in times of crisis. I don’t mind at all.

Toohightoofar · 23/08/2025 19:43

Thatweegirl · 23/08/2025 19:37

So many weird responses on this! I can't imagine how insecure a relationship must be for this to be a threat to it. I would have no issues at all if an ex contacted my husband in these circumstances.
It's actually a bit scary to me that so many people in this thread are opposed to this, especially when you have described your health OP. The lack of empathy is shocking. If your first instinct is to think this would be a threat to her ex's relationship instead of how lovely it would be for the OP to have a chat with him before her health deteriorates further then I think you have some issues of your own.

OP, please contact this person, we only get one life and it is too short. I am sorry you are in such poor health.

This, 100%. I think it's absolutely fine to contact him.

taxidriver · 23/08/2025 19:44

i would, and i did,
just vague chat on messenger

Tilly63848 · 23/08/2025 19:52
Season 9 Yes GIF by Friends

Absolutely fine, I see no issue with this. As a wife to a man who has friendships with many of his exes I don’t see any issue with old friends catching up and reminiscing.

Obviously it would be different if you were saying you were rekindling an old flame but that definitely not what you are planning… not to mention you were at their wedding? Must have been a good friend in the past and life is too short so definitely get in touch!

ACynicalDad · 23/08/2025 19:53

Let sleeping dogs lie

SheWantsToBeMe · 23/08/2025 19:53

No it’s not okay to reach out to an Ex. They’ve moved on, it’s not on his radar to contact you, or else he would have. You will add nothing to their lives apart from possibly rocking the boat. For the sake of “chit chat” it’s not worth upsetting their lives. Move on.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2025 19:58

Hey op. First of all I’m sorry to hear your health is not the best. Sending you all good wishes for that

I’d be 100% absolutely fine with someone contacting my DP in these circs. In fact I’d be delighted to find out more about his past and people he cared about.

I hope you do reach out and that it brings you both some joy

TheEarlgreygirl · 23/08/2025 20:25

No, don't. Leave them alone I say!

EmeraldDreams73 · 23/08/2025 20:37

Sorry to hear of your health problems, OP. If this was my husband you were considering getting in touch with, I would have absolutely zero issue with it.

If the situation was reversed, I would also think a hell of a lot less of him if he made a fuss and stopped me catching u with an old friend. OK, that's just me/us, but I can't imagine given the context you've explained why anyone would consider this Dangerous Territory!

NamechangeRugby · 23/08/2025 20:49

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2025 19:58

Hey op. First of all I’m sorry to hear your health is not the best. Sending you all good wishes for that

I’d be 100% absolutely fine with someone contacting my DP in these circs. In fact I’d be delighted to find out more about his past and people he cared about.

I hope you do reach out and that it brings you both some joy

Same Op.

We get one life. If you love someone you trust them and give them freedom. As true for me as for my husband. I would hate either of us to feel so insecure that the other couldn't catch up with someone they used to care about way back when, especially under your circumstances.

Hope all goes well.

zaxxon · 23/08/2025 21:06

sesquipedalian · 23/08/2025 19:37

“There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married”

OP, it has nothing to do with how you feel, or even how he might feel, and everything to do with how his wife might feel about it. My DH has ex’s - I would not be impressed if they tried to get in touch, no matter how “life limiting” a condition they might have. Leave the past in the past - if it weren’t for social media, I doubt you’d be able to get in touch with him.

But it IS about how she (OP) feels. She's aware she may not have loads of time left, and she wants to reach out and make a simple, friendly, human connection to someone she once cared about. That's quite moving and important. And you're saying she shouldn't do it because the wife, who she barely knows, MIGHT feel uneasy?

I can't fathom these replies tbh. Every partner or boyfriend I've ever had has been on good terms with some, if not all,of their exes. It's never been a problem. I see it as a green flag - a sign of a emotional maturity, of being able to accept that the relationship has shifted onto a different, non-romantic basis, and adapting accordingly.

Toptops · 23/08/2025 21:28

Lostworlds · 23/08/2025 07:44

I think since you went to their wedding then I would reach out to him. However, in the message I would make your intent clear, that you’re not doing well and just want a friendly chat/ catch up with some people you’ve been friends with over the years and then I would leave it open to allow him to decide if he wants to reply.
I would also mention his wife and family in the message and say I hope they’re all doing well- that sort of thing.

This.
I think it's perfectly ok and think some of the negative comments on here are weird.

Coconutter24 · 23/08/2025 21:34

If an ex contacted me to talk over old memories etc I’d have no interest in the conversation. Even to see how I was I would t be that bothered about replying. They’re in the past

IsadoraQuagmire · 23/08/2025 21:39

I'm still friends with most of my exes, in fact I went out with one of them last night (he has a girlfriend who I've never met but I assume she's not paranoid enough to try to tell him what friends he's allowed to have) When we started dating I met several of HIS ex girlfriends, they were all part of his friendship group. I don't see the problem at all, if I still liked an ex in a romantic way, I'd still be going out with them wouldn't I?

Alltheyellowbirds · 23/08/2025 21:42

I’m so sorry about your health issues OP.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting back in touch considering the circumstances.

I would be sure to explain why though, for the avoidance of any confusion as to motivation.

Alltheyellowbirds · 23/08/2025 21:43

zaxxon · 23/08/2025 21:06

But it IS about how she (OP) feels. She's aware she may not have loads of time left, and she wants to reach out and make a simple, friendly, human connection to someone she once cared about. That's quite moving and important. And you're saying she shouldn't do it because the wife, who she barely knows, MIGHT feel uneasy?

I can't fathom these replies tbh. Every partner or boyfriend I've ever had has been on good terms with some, if not all,of their exes. It's never been a problem. I see it as a green flag - a sign of a emotional maturity, of being able to accept that the relationship has shifted onto a different, non-romantic basis, and adapting accordingly.

Show quote history

Yes, all of this.

tsmainsqueeze · 23/08/2025 21:55

YodasHairyButt · 23/08/2025 07:24

Regardless of your intent, I imagine this would be unsettling for his wife and possibly him too. If you’ve had no contact for years, leave them alone.

Exactly this .

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