Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

You were invited to their wedding. I think if the wife had an issue with you as an ex you wouldn’t have been at the wedding so I don’t think she’s going to mind that you pop up now for a chat.

There are some very insecure people on this thread.

Could she not ask to meet him and his wife as a couple?

Clearly a polarising question!

Also very clear that many people have not read all that I explained.

It’s sad that some people are quite so insecure. I don’t mean that in a patronising way. I can only presume that their life experiences must have caused that.

I’ve made my decision now so thank you everyone and goodnight.

I hope it works out for you, OP, and you have some nice chats, reminiscing. I think it's a natural instinct in your circumstances, and it sounds absolutely fine to me too.

Personally, I don't get the angst about connecting exes. I have caught up with some of mine, why not? They were important parts of my life, made me who I am. I would think a lot less of my partner if he did not understand this.

The ones who think you shouldn’t are just insecure, ignore them and do what you think is right

Don't be disappointed if you get no response OP. An ex of mine from many years ago contacted me a couple of months ago because, they said,they were unwell. I didn't reply and have no intention of doing so. If we weren't important enough to each other to keep in touch then I can't see any reason to be in touch now. They also have a partner and it made me feel v uncomfortable.

I think you should get in touch. As you say, you were friends and you went to their wedding.

I wouldn't be happy if an old fling wanted to happily go down memory lane because of reported health issues. I may have dealt with too many crazy exes in my time but honestly I wouldn't even trust the reason being u have a health issue u could make up anything from across the country. I know of real life people who have contacted exes under the pretense of receiving mail and wanting to hand it over 2 years down the line, finding clothes which turned out to be stuff he put in the charity bags months before he left, pretend cancer, pregnancies, personal crisis' that only the ex can apparently help with out of everyone or the only one who understands. Pretend overdoses etc... derailed myself a bit there just remembering how many people close to me have had the past bite them so going off my own rough statistical view in personal experience id 100% advise against it.

No. This will only distress him.

Leave him in peace.

🤷‍♀️ you know it’s not ok but then of course you’re doing to do it anyway. That was always going to be your ‘decision’.. good luck

My opinion would be no. My now Ex H contacted an ex from 30 years ago with apparently no intent. Long story short we are now divorced because that initial contact led to an inappropriate long distance affair. There was no reality to it, just fantasy but it has pulled my family to pieces.

I didn’t have time to read all the responses but now see you were invited to their wedding. So maybe it would be okay, I was assuming it was completely out of the blue.

I see no reason why you shouldn’t contact him under the circumstances. You are clearly not doing it to be flirtatious and you were obviously friendly enough to go to their wedding so they both knew you.

I did earlier this year. A guy I knew about 25 years ago - I was visiting somewhere he used to work, and thought, wonder what he's up to these days? Found him on LinkedIn, so messaged him, saying, "don't know if you remember me, but was at the place you used to work, saw something which still had your name on, and wondered how you're doing - looks like your career is going well."

He messaged back, "of course I remember you!" So we chatted about the places he's worked - one was really close to where i grew up (which isn't where we knew each other,) and he's currently working in another town i lived in. He's married with a child. We haven't met up so far, but we have occasional chats about wildlife. It's just really nice to know he's doing well.

I'm friends with a number of exes. Not planning to break up any of their marriages. But we liked each other in the past, and the reasons we broke up were mostly down to realising we weren't meant to be a couple, not that we ended up hating each other. I'd find it a bit of a red flag if a man wasn't in contact with any of his exes.

“The wife might be unsettled” “the wife might have trust issues” etc…then the wife needs to grow up, and none of that is OP’s problem. Of course it’s fine to contact him, it’s not weird, it’s not dodgy-looking, it’s completely understandable in your circumstances but even if you weren’t now struggling with your health, it’s fine to think of an old friend/flame and want to see how they’re doing. And I’m certainly not a “package deal” with my partner as some said above. Yuck. People are individuals with their own lives and histories and they’re entitled to reminisce.

I wouldn't have a problem with this personally.
All you can do is ask. But I would be prepared to get no reply or a nasty reply. How would that make you feel? You don't know how the interaction is going to pan out so make sure you are psychologically ready.
I'd love to speak to my first ever boyfriend again and see how life has panned out for him. I'm happily married to my soul mate so there's no romantic intentions to that... I'd just love to know how he's doing and hear his perspective on the past.
However I will never reach out because I know for a fact he would absolutely not react well... because he has the type of personality where he just would think that was wierd and be unsettled by it.
I totally understand the desire to though.
Not everyone will.

Totally fine! Go for it. People are honestly so fragile. It’s the old ‘men and woman can’t be friends-thing.’

@ zaxxon
“you're saying she shouldn't do it because the wife, who she barely knows, MIGHT feel uneasy?”

Yes, I am. It’s not “moving and important”, it’s selfish and self-indulgent. It’s both risking upsetting their wife, and setting herself up for disappointment. Sorry, but I wouldn’t want one of my DH’s ex’s becoming his new best friend, no matter what the circumstances.

I'm really surprised by the replies and tbh I think many of them are closed minded and harsh. I think you absolutely can and should contact him if you want to. Yes, you were once a couple, but you were also friends. The fact that you were at this couples' wedding shows that you weren't just an ex, but a friend and that his wife is fine with you having been in this man's life. We are grown adults.
Be transparent, say your health isn't good and that you'd like to catch up with some friends from your past while you still can. Give your regards to his family and wish them well. Tell him there is no male intent and that there is no pressure to meet. It's up to him and his wife to decide whether or not you both should meet; not the internet. If he is in a secure, healthy relationship then his wife will have no problem with you both meeting. Best of luck to you.

I wonder if it’s worth moving this thread to find more constructive comments on one of the long term illness boards?

I wonder if some of these responses may be coming from people with the benefit of good health and energy levels, who have every expectation of a normal lifespan, and have plenty of current and future options for socialising; and being healthy and mobile people, are already getting social contact just by being out and about in their lives.

Knowing several people who don’t have the same good luck of good health (or youth) and have become lonely as a result, I can understand how you would be thinking about looking up old friends female and male, as you have been doing.

No I’d think it odd and wonder what you wanted, in my relationships there’s a no keeping friends on social media or elsewhere with ex’s. If an ex tries to get in contact there’s usually a reason and they are usually the one that got dumped.