Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

‘I mean I’m not overly sure what the point would be and don’t understand the whole mooning after past shared experience bit, ‘

Exactly. It’s all not quite adding up.. asking on here rather than just doing it, why ask if it’s totally unweird? Because it’s not.. probably!

I get the feeling that a good few people can’t believe I really know my own mind and circumstances in that I do not want any sort of relationship with this man beyond a bit of online chit chat which I am more than happy to be shared with his wife.

In a bizarre way it sort of reminds me of when I wanted to be sterilised back in my late twenties and it was apparently beyond belief that I might genuinely know what I wanted and not be a silly girl who would be at the mercy of my female hormones at a later point!

If there was the slightest hint of deception from this man in relation to his wife I would be off like a dirty shirt.

And if he was the sort to be tempted by me in my decrepit state with no chance of meeting up ever let alone a shag then I think he would have been divorced by now as there are surely many better candidates for adultery available much closer than 500 miles away!

I had couple of exes from decades ago occasionally pop up in messanger. It was actually nice to just catch up. I quite liked hearing what they did with their life. We were friends even after dating until I moved away. DH really didn't worry because he knows I am not a cheating cunt🤷

You could. I'm still very occasionally in touch with my first serious boyfriend. He was a total rascal but he helped me make some good life changes and I prefer to remember him for those than for the appalling attitudes he held about women in those days.

You went to their wedding so they are old friends. Absolutely fine to reach out.

I wouldn't tbh. His wife may have trust issues, maybe there was infedility at some point in their relationship..he might not want to hear from you in this case as it could cause issues.. Best to let it lie.

Seriously wierd responses on here This is so normal and fine OP. You’ve had some life changing news. Write to them both together if you think there’s any risk of misinterpretation but seriously this is a non controversial thing to do to contact an old friend. You’re allowed to do a small thing to cheer yourself up and pass the time.

Sorry if this is wrong but not like you’re probably in a position health-wise to be going taking up a new hobby and meeting a massive new social circle if you’re feeling severely ill, is it. Put yourself first.

You can have a social life and also have some emotional support just like anyone else would want in your shoes. You’re not doing anything wrong. Your mates would want to know how you’re doing now as well, so it’s good to contact them. If you over formalise your letter and ‘state your intentions are harmless’ or whatever silliness, then that’s way too wierd and looks like you are actually contacting him/them to start an affair. If you feel self conscious and you’ve got both of their contact details use those both. Or just write a postcard to their home address if that feels better.

Just say something like ‘Dear FruendsNames, hope things are good with you both. I’m dealing with some severe long term health issues these days (SYX). ThisIsWhatsBeenHappening. I realised that we’ve not been in touch for ages and am curious to know you both are doing after your big move. How are things? How it is in Farawayplace? Do you ever visit back to HereWhereILivePlace? Be great to see you if so, come over for [whateveryouresuggesting] anytime. And are you still in touch with X and Y? How are they? Could you pass on my contacts? I haven’t kept in touch with lots of people and I would love to be in touch again so just wanted to check in with you both. BlahblahSignOff’

Sorry OP just saw from your post that you can’t meet up. Sorry to hear that. Wishing you the best for your health.

If it had been a long time in the past since I'd seem them, that would feel like an odd letter to get.

People are in the past for a reason. Lovely if you do connect again but, most of the time, there's just too much water gone under the bridge of unshared time.

People will obviously look at things from their perspective but that's fine.

I think you should look at it from your perspective. There is no ill intent, you have a life limiting illness and I think you should talk to people with no regrets.

I feel for you and I hope you're as happy as you can be.

Go for it, you're doing nothing wrong.

No matter what your intention is, you are possibly going to upset this person and mamy
people in his circle. It’s selfish not selfless, and indicates you have a lot of time on your hands to think,

Let sleeping dogs lie.

He's an old friend and you want to catch up on old times while you still can so go for it 💐

Exactly this.
OP I think some people posting have not read or understood what your opening line means. Hope you can rekindle a nice circle of friends with your female and male friends.

Well it's only your business and his business. I definitely would, just to say hello., if that's what you'd like! It's up to him then. But don't start second guessing everything and everyone. It's completely ok to say hello to people from your past.

I also think it makes a difference that you went to their wedding and she knows you. I wouldn’t mind if an old friend I know about got in touch with my husband, but Id feel more weird if it was an ex I didn’t know about. You can address them both in your message since you were at their wedding.

But your friendship isn’t a secret? You’ve already been introduced to her. This is bizarre. If it were an ex you’d had no contact with I’d respond differently but you literally celebrated their marriage with them.

Then leave it?

I think the passage of time (your non-platonic relationship with him ended ages ago, the marriage is relatively long-lived?) and the fact you went to their wedding, suggests being in contact as a general principle would be fine. However... I do think some shared reminiscing could be quite unsettling to him and/or his wife. I don't mean that you two would or could have any sort of affair now! But if, for example, they're going through a difficult time in their own marriage, then him suddenly having a moment of wistfulness about a past relationship has the potential to do a lot of damage.

I think so much of it depends on the individual people and relationships involved. You're probably well placed to judge all that, OP, I just wanted to say that I think nostalgia alone does have the potential to cause pain and difficulty, sometimes.

The attending the wedding thing is going right over my head. I don’t get why it’s so significant. Hope you get to catch up
with your old friend.

I have irregular contact with an x. I have met his now wife once before they returned to NewZealand. We are facebook friends. At times comment on one anothers pictures. He commented with a lovely message when my mother passed away. Every few years one of us messages the other to see how we are. I dont know if his wife knows but frankly if she did and read the messages I dont think she would have any issue. I kinda assume its like with dh and me and he says "I heard from Enko they are all good" and thats the end..

I care about this man he was an important part of my life for a while and I like to know he has a good life now. I suspect he feels the same about me. Having said all that I just checked and we last communicated ditectly 5 years ago 😄 he did like a poat I made earlier this year so I know he sees.

I guess we have simply become facebook acquaintances now. I am ok with that.

I think it’s fine, especially if you went to their wedding.

No.

Leave him and his wife alone.

Because his wife knows her too and has accepted their friendship already.

I’m in similar circs and I wanted to do this too.

im already in touch with my first bf. And it’s lovely to see where we both are now.

I’ve got back in touch with a friend from decades ago recently. We met and it was like no time had passed

i would @Mrsmunchofmunchington in your situation. And I will.