Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

I don’t think the benefit of “Just a bit of a catch up. Chitchat. Nostalgia” to you outweighs the potential for disruption at their end. But in both cases (benefit and disruption) would only be like a 5/100 or 7/100 - basically negligible. So on that basis I say nothing ventured, nothing gained. You could have a perfectly lovely exchange. You could be ghosted. Either way, doesn’t sound like it would be a huge loss to anyone after 30 years.

No

I'm absolutely astonished at these responses. I would do this without hesitating and would have no issue with my DH being in contact with an ex especially if it was someone I also knew. My ex came to my wedding with his new partner. We've since lost touch, but I'd love to hear from him again, know how his life has panned out and how his family is.

My DH was contacted by a childhood friend recently, completely out of the blue, (decades had passed) and they ended up meeting.

Aw just do it

Two of DH's exes came to our wedding. Three were invited! The only time I got pissed off was when he had lunch with an ex a few times and didn't tell me. Nothing going on, but he assumed I might mind.

Thanks.

You ended your relationship with him before he even got with his dw. You were invited to their wedding.
if course contact him. Imagine if you sadly pass and he never got to speak with you again because some random people told you not to. I would hate that. My dh has spoken with old friends and old flames. There is nothing sexual or romantic in it. They were people from the past who know other people from the past and being unwell and looking towards a possible earlier than ideal death, it understandable that you’d like to remember your youth and people from it.

I think the responses here are very odd !

My partner speaks to his ex's. One in perticular he was very friendly with up untill she suddenly passed away.
I occasionally chat to a guy i went on afew dates with to see how he is. He has mental health issues and i worry about him.

Why cant a person speak to a person of the opposite sex? Not everyone is going to want to jump into bed / cheat

Find out if they are both happy about it.

I found (through a school reunion group) an ex of more than 40 years ago. We're about 40 minutes apart. We are both happily married. We now socialise as couples and as individuals; she and my wife have common craft interests, while I take her on theatre trips because theatre sends her husband to sleep and she's missed out on it.

Nothing inappropriate is ever going to happen, and we all know it. We're all pretty good friends and we're having a short holiday together, with a few other old school friends, in a couple of weeks.

You don't know if you don't ask.

I wouldn't do it personally.
I realise that your intentions are honourable but his wife might be unsettled by this and not see it the same way.

Leave him and his wife alone. You will worry his wife and that is unkind.

I don't think there is any harm in reaching out. It's for him to decide if it crosses a boundary with his wife and act accordingly. I wouldn't care if my DH was in touch with an ex. He married me, it didn't work out with them so I wouldn't see then as a threat.

It's a very slippery slope.

Just because you have no mal intent doesn't mean he won't.

No. Leave him alone

Wondering why you lost touch? If uncomplicated eg lost your address book I think it's OK to renew contact as you had already established a friendship after the relationship. If you fell out or it got messy in anyway, I wouldn't.

You went to their wedding

Contact him

I’m fb friends with all my meaningful exes and when contact/friendship request was accepted I had a brief catch up chat with all of them - why wouldn’t you? It’s good to have a catch up and hear how they and their parents/siblings/mates are.

No it is NOT ok to contact a married ex. For what? If I was his wife I would be absolutely furious.

Contact them as a couple and meet them as a couple. I’m sure she can sit through your reminiscing without any problems. If she then suggests you continue your chat without her then that’s all the green light you need.

Someone from my past got in touch with me via FB when he was diagnosed as having a condition with a very poor outlook for survival. As far as I could tell he had no agenda other than to have a chat and a little update about how our respective DC were doing. I'd been married to my DH for about 15 years, he knew about my relationship with this man, and he was just mildly interested. I've actually met all but one of DH's previous partners and wouldn't have a problem with any of them getting in contact with him in similar circumstances.

Hell no!! Leave it in the past.

I don’t see anything wrong with getting in touch. Particularly if you were invited to their wedding. It’s not like you’re some saucy secret from the past.

Absolutely do this! As long as you write nothing you would feel guilty about if his wife read it.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with this, you're reaching out for a completely understandable reason. And you went to their wedding, which if she was the jealous type she would have vetoed!

If he thinks his wife would (unreasonablely) not like it, it's on him to tell you that and not reply further.

Best wishes with your health.

I would say go for it, his wife probably knows what happened between ye both was over years ago and won’t care

If you were friends, apart from your relationship, then fine.