Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

The fact that you want to is the reason why you shouldn't.

In my view people who can't leave some room for humanity in cases like this must lead very small, shallow and self centred emotional lives. Anyone with any expansive emotional experience and/or wisdom would be able to understand why OP wants to get in touch, catch up and reminisce.

Either that or people don't actually understand what OP is alluding to.

I am sorry for your circumstances @Mrsmunchofmunchington. 💐

Going to blow some people's minds but I grew up calling my dad's ex an aunt😂 The one just before he got together with my mum. They remained friends and we had family bbqs together often with her and her hisband. 😂

That doesn't make any sense.

OP has a very good reason for wanting to catch up with old friends and people she once loved and still cares about. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You're exaggerating for effect. She doesn't want to become his new best friend; she wants to make contact in a friendly way, catch up, touch base if you like. That's not selfish, that's just human.

Plenty of people - at least 50% - on this thread have said they wouldn't mind at all if their partner's ex got in touch. So the wife is just as likely to be fine with it, especially since OP was at their wedding.

When DH was diagnosed with life limiting cancer he contacted old friends and old girlfriends, I had absolutely no issues as I was very secure in our relationship. I don't think any of their partners felt threatened either

Unlike others, I’d say if you went to their wedding and have met the wife, go ahead and make contact. Make your contact about both of them initially, not just him. Then later you can do the reminiscing bits while ensuring he knows that’s all it is.

Good grief are you 12?

I think pps suggesting to include the wife have your solution here.
I get it's him you want to catch up with, but that way no ones put out and she may well decide not to join and let the two of you catch up but I think at least including her in the invitation would avoid any misunderstandings.

"There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to."

I think you're looking to form an emotional connection with him in the present. He's married and his primary emotional connection is with his wife. So my thinking is no.

You say as far as you know, he and his wife are happy.

That means you aren't friends and haven't stayed in contact or been in contact for some years. That reinforces my thinking.

Please don’t do this.

Do it @Mrsmunchofmunchington

it’s ok ti do so. You went to their wedding and you have specific circumstances.

And even if you didn’t it’d still be ok.

I find it so sad how defensive everyone is, as if they think their DH is immediately going to be unfaithful because an old friend drops them a line. When my mother was widowed in her 60s she was suddenly ostracised from "couples" socially. She said she had no interest in running off with their bald old men.

Because why would a ex ever need to know how my husband is? Weird

I think it’s quite common as end of life approaches to want to get back in touch with people from the past. Kind of a setting things to rights.

Yes, this. And maybe to say, hey, we had something good for a while there didn't we? To acknowledge that there was caring, and there was joy - all the things that make life worthwhile.

It's not trying to reignite a spark; it's looking back on the flame that was once there, and remembering how it felt to be in its glow.

Fine, do it.

This would be my advice -
As you’ve said you attended their wedding I’d assume the wife isn’t mega jealous about your friendship/history…

So if you really want to chat and it’s all innocent - set up a group chat with you, him and his wife…. That way she doesn’t have any reason to think you’re getting in contact for anything weird!

There's an apt saying
Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship never.

It puts him a awkward position. Its all about her needs!

Yes...she's likely to die sooner rather than later and she's wanting to speak to/reconnect with some of the people that have been significant in her life. That's one situation where it's okay to 'make things all about her needs' for a little while! She's not asking to start something up with him, she just wants to have a chat FGS.

If one really cannot access any humanity on behalf of someone who is emotionally setting her affairs in order whilst getting used to the idea that she might not live for many years to come, then one is quite dumb, first of all, and also quite desperately insecure in life. As I said, people of narrow emotional lives with very little wisdom.