Is it ever OK to contact a very old (now married) Ex to catch up if no mal intent?

[Mrsmunchofmunchington]

I have serious health issues which make it unlikely I will make old bones.

I’d really like to catch up with a few people from my past whilst I still can and have done so with a couple of female friends.

There is a man from my past who I would love to chat to. He is married and lives at the other end of the country but is on fb.

I’m dithering about contacting him because I don’t want to upset his wife.

I have absolutely no intent of flirting or anything in that direction.

What makes you think I have one?

I assumed that was the basis of your moral conundrum? If you went to their wedding why would his wife be concerned?

You went to their wedding! You are their joint friend now. Write to them both via him. It's not a big deal. You're not in contact with them now, so what's the worst that could happen? "Dear X and Y, how are you both? Blablabla"

Interesting responses.

I think that some people are immediately reacting to how worried they would be if an ex contacted their partner, and I understand that.

However, I think my circumstances are different to most.

I am honestly not an inviting prospect to any man given my health issues.
He will not be tempted!

And as I have explained not only do I absolutely not want any sort of flirtatious/ sexual/ emotional affair I couldn’t have one if I did want to.

I will balance out people’s fears against the other responses though.
No point asking otherwise.

Hold on, OP went to their wedding!!! She is obviously friendly with them both. Exes can be friends.

Great idea to do a joint email to them both so it doesn’t like you’re trying to communicate with him privately.

Because I was his friend rather than hers. And having been the victim of adultery myself I am very respectful of other people’s marriages.

Usually I would say no as an ex

but you went to their wedding so know the wife. Maybe contact her first or send them a joint messsge

I wouldn’t really say I was a friend of his wife because I only met her a few times but she seemed very pleasant.
Good idea to write to both of them via him though.
I like that.

Yes am also amazed by the answers. I think a joint email would be ideal, but also fine just to email him.

I appreciate the nostalgia aspect. Especially when you are in a period of your life which sounds difficult and you're surely contemplating the past, so the I understand the desire to reach out. Having said that, if the relationship was as valuable as you think it was, you'd still be in touch now, even if it were just birthday/Christmas well wishes. Best let sleeping dogs lie, and leave well alone.

I think you should have included in your Op about going to their wedding. In these circs I think it’s fine to contact them.

I would be fine about this - I would be fine in any ex of DH contacted him as well, we have been together for a long time though so any ex is old history - I think we are getting to the age, maybe you are too OP where it is nice to remember being young, but well we can't (and wouldn't want to) go back there.

MN is full of weirdos. You are fine to contact him.

There are loads of experiences I would like to relive that only occurred with a couple of people. Having a chat about them is not disruptive.

If you went to their wedding, she knows who you are and felt comfortable with that I think a quick ‘Hi how you getting on’ message is ok.

But although you are not looking for a flirtatious or sexual relationship I think you need to be honest that you are looking for emotional connection. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be contacting people from your past looking to reconnect.

You clearly are in a vulnerable place with your health and I’m sure talking to people will be good for you BUT you need to be careful that your renewed connection with this man does not stray into inappropriate territory. There are many posts on MN where the wife is at her wits end and considering ending a marriage because her DH is acting as a white knight to a vulnerable friend and making her feel second best (regardless of sexual intent). Emotional affairs can be just as damaging.

It’s not your responsibility to keep him faithful but if you are a friend you will not want him to jeopardise his marriage to support you. As long as the messages are infrequent (say a catch up once a month) and not emotional I don’t think there is a problem. Just be mindful.

I mean I’m not overly sure what the point would be and don’t understand the whole mooning after past shared experience bit, however you’ve said his wife knows you and if it is genuinely just a friendly chit chat then go ahead, but be open with his wife too so she knows.

I think it’s okay for men and women to be friends to a degree (exes not so much) but it needs to be respectful to current partners and open and transparent.

Ive been in relationships whereby my partner has kept in touch with exes (secretly) and it’s always led to an overstep and cheating.

So not a huge fan of it being done under the radar.

THIS

“However, I think my circumstances are different to most.”

They probably are & I am sorry to hear they’re life limiting too.

But… HIS circumstances are not different to most. I’d leave it - or if you want closure of some sort, contact them both together. They’re a package deal.

Yes, maybe so.
I thought stating by my health and intentions was clear enough but I didn’t realise the wedding attendance would mean people viewed things differently.

Fuck it! Message him, life is too short. There’s nothing untoward so his wife will get over it (if she even gets upset in the first place!)

your circumstances matter here

I’m no more “mooning” after him than I was for the old female friends from the past I have got in contact with.
Love the phrase though, haven’t heard it for donkey’s years!

I think most of us have people who have been important / we liked or loved and through life’s twists and turns we can lose contact. Especially when, as in this case, the person moves 500 miles away.

The female friends I have caught up with have been great.
I was friends with this chap as well as the on/off relationship. I’m just interested in hearing about his life and about other old friends who I knew through him.
That’s all.

I don’t need closure. There’s nothing to close. It was closed about 30 years ago.

I would certainly send a message to the both of them, via his messenger if that's the method you have available. Just put "Hi George and Mavis, I am reaching out to you both to say hi, because...." So it's clear that you are being transparent in speaking to both of them from the off and not doing anything that his wife could interpret as secretive and cause issues between them.

I went to a conference where an old male friend lives. Was keen to meet him but a little hesitant how hus wife might feel. Sent msg to him, asked after his wife, suggested meeting with them both. I felt this made it clear I wasn't looking for any more than lunch

In the end, he came on his own, we talked about our rfamilies and I was so glad that I had contacted him

I understand

Its just not my jam, I have very happy memories with various people, but that’s all they are so I don’t feel the need to go over them.

Just different views.

As long as it’s open and transparent with his wife, I think it’s fine.

I also think it is fine to contact them, but even if she hadn’t been. So what.

If your relationship would be so deeply threatened by an ex in these circumstances then maybe you’re deeply insecure or your relationship isn’t that great.

I’m pretty certain that in these circumstances if I were the wife that I would just say: meet up, go for dinner, have a lovely time. And I feel pretty certain that I would receive the same response.