AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

Not voting sorry.

Decline from the initial craziness - normal. Fluctuate with life events - normal.

Down to once a month and not fancying each other after 4 years?? Fuck no. Not if you had a sex drive at the beginning. Sounds to me like you’re falling out of love with him.

It might be normal for some people, but not for everyone. My libido is sky high and has been right until the very end in a few long term relationships. Even when a relationship has come to an end for other reasons, if I'm still attracted to that person we'll still be having sex a lot. If I lose attraction to someone, then obviously I don't want to have sex with them, and to me that's the end of the relationship.

I think it can settle and ebb and flow over time, but I think months without any kind of intimacy unless both partners are on board with it can put a strain on and be a sign that maybe all is not quite well.

We’ve been together 12 years and have had longer periods with relatively little intimacy (mainly due to pregnancies, babies) etc but are getting back to that side of things again now we are past the baby era. I wouldn’t be happy with that kind of frequency of sexual activity (doesn’t have to be full intercourse) for the rest of my relationship or for it to be the norm. I don’t want to just have a best friends vibe or be housemates.

Not normal for me at all. 14 years so far and for sure it isn't the agonising lust it was right at the start but definitely desire.

i wouldn’t say once a week was all over each other at the beginning. I think I can dip long term especially with children and the various stresses of life

Posted twice.

I’m not sure how much help ‘normal’ is going to be for you. There’s so much variation between couples. It’s about whether you both are happy with the level of sex not what others do. That said, I would consider weekly to be quite a low amount of sex, not ripping clothes off passion. Monthly would be way too little for me and months without would be a relationship killer. Four years if very early for this side of things to die off.

Yes... read Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel.... for most of us (someone will chime in how 40 years in they're still swinging from the chandeliers 3 times a week!) but generally living comfortably someone is very unsexy!! You really have to work at keeping them in your mind as exciting, sexual beings and not comfortable, safe almost fraternal companions!

It’s normal to reduce for most people but you describe “all over each other with sex once a week” as the frantic lustful stage. That bit is unusual.

id say more normal is 6/7 times a week or more down to 1/2.

Not after 4 years I don’t think - 10/15/20 years and a couple of kids down the line absolutely there can be a drop off but your case doesn’t sound as if you’re at that point.

After 4 years only having sex once a week or less I think is unusual

Shagging at least once a week in the early days is hardly we were all over each other!

I do agree. All over each other in the early days for me is shagging every time you see each other - once a week is dropping off imo.

Sorry, just to clarify, it was much more than that in the first year (two or three times a day sometimes) but circumstances meant we only got chance to do it a couple of times a week after the first year.

Its Gotta be a wind up post surely .

I think it's natural for the heady desire to ease off over time, particularly as you age, but after 4 years?! I don't think that's 'the norm' (if there is one) DH and I are in our 50s and have been together almost 30 years. There have been lulls over that time due to small babies, life stresses etc. but up until we had children (and we'd been together 12 years by then) we were both still very up for it.

I suppose it's only an issue if it's an issue for you or your partner - what everyone else thinks is irrelevant!

Yes I feel the same. My long term DP does too so it's fine. Cohabitation really kills the sexual tension. I think if I were to date again, I'd insist on not living together.

yes for me, but I am peri menopause and I have no desire whatsoever, we argue over it a lot, i give in every few weeks but feel more out of duty than desire (he doesn't make me)

8 years together and we average once a week.
Was saying to husband the other day, isn't it great that our sex has just got better and better over the years?
Though it may have been more frequent and frenzied in the early days, it's much more enjoyable, orgasmic and rewarding now.

Probably just knowing each others bodies so well, being comfortable and really relaxed with each other.

I don’t think drying up is ok op, it’s taken me a while and reading a lot on mn (mostly listening to women say actually if there’s no sex there’s an issue, that they enjoy it)

Fine not having sex all the time but you’re supposed to love each other. The other side of it is women’s libidos tail off because they’re wrecked from doing everything and men need to cop onto this as much as women need to see that sex as a tick box probably isn’t very fair

I am also in a 4 year old relationship but in my 50's. I mean, it's definitely less frequent now but we do make the most of the times when we have the house to ourselves (youngest son, 18, still at home).

Four months seems like a long time so early on in a relationship. The only time I haven't been active that way for that long when when my children were babies.

This is not to say that anything is 'wrong'. What does it matter if you're both happy?

I just want to add as well that my OH and I have occasionally got into the habit of not being intimate and have been mindful that we need to spend some time together (physically) so we do. It's not 'effort' but sometimes we do have to put a bit of thought into the fact that we need to do it!

Do you still fancy him? I still want to have sex with my boyfriend every time I see him and we’ve been together 4 years. But we don’t live together. In all my previous relationships where I’ve cohabited, the desire has faded with time. I don’t think living together works for all couples. Obviously an impossibility if you have children together.

I mean, I still catch him from time to time and think "phwoar!". Just not got the energy or enough enthusiasm to actually have sex. I do fantasise about him pinning me down and having his way with me, but I know in reality, if he tried (he wouldn't - he's too respectful) I would either laugh in his face or tell him to f* off!

Not in my experience. I'm in my 40s and DH in his 50s. We've been together nearly 11 years and still have exciting, spontaneous sex. We came home from the pub the other day, snogged in the dark country road then ripped each other's clothes off the second we stepped in the door.

I've been with DH for 20 years, from 21 to 41. We also dont have kids.

We had tonnes of sex through our 20s, not so much through our 30s (once a fortnight, or once a month), and for the last couple of years have been having sex every chance we get.

I like to feel desired and sexy, and enjoy sex and orgasms! So falling into a pattern of decline and only having sex once every couple of months wouldn't work for me at all.

I don’t think what you describe is normal or particularly great tbh. How would you feel about your boyfriend wanting to rip a female colleague’s clothes off while half heartedly shagging you once a month?