AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

No not normal if you don’t have any of the traditional tired inducers like children, waking babies.

That would be an improvement for me. Some lust would be useful, even if it has to be inspired by a younger person.

3-5 times a day!
May I ask how old you are.

Ooooo at 4 years with no kids, it’s probably not normal. How old are you? Could be hormones crashing if you’re entering peri menopause.

DH and I have been together 10 years and at 42, my vulva is a great source of misery to me so we don’t have sex as much as he’d like, but we still do “other suff”.

I try to get involved twice a week, even If I can’t be arsed. It’s important to keep intimacy alive, otherwise you’re just pals.

After only 4 years a total lack of desire is either medical or indicates a problem. Unless you're in your 70s or in the middle of menopause, and then maybe.

I agree with this. I’ve been with my DH since we were 19, and we were all over each other in the beginning, but not so much now. We still very much love each other. We are still intimate, but not as much. Also life / stress / energy levels / libido / hormones change and fluctuate.

I have to say. As someone with zero libido, even we, after 16 years have sex about once a week

@Anotheranon123 my thoughts are only once a week at the start of? That’s really bare minimum tbh .
Seems you aren’t much of a special person or can’t be bothered making any effort unless it’s someone new and exciting.
Really not fair on your dp tike to end it and let him find someone he is compatible with .

"boils my piss when people claim men have higher sex drives than women as a rule 🙄 "

Well they have about 4 times more testosterone than we do so should in theory be hornier. I realise our libido might come from oestrogen or whatever, but I think there is some scientific basis in expecting men to be more 'up for it' even if that makes it even harder for any woman who has to deal with a less keen man.

Some people do have crushes though and that can be normal.
Having a serious crush on an out gay man is a bit different though...

The votes don't seem to match the comments, I've noticed.

25 years of marriage and still have sex around 3 times a week

when we first met probably every day sometimes twice a day
and this continued like this for maybe 8-10 years

And we had no kids together but 3 between us when we met

I've had plenty of long-term relationships where we couldn't keep our hands off each other for years. But we didn't really get on that well. A few of them were complete arseholes. It's as though it was the opposition between us that created explosive sexual tension.

I now have a very tranquil, harmonious life with DH and sex is something we honestly don't place much store by. Of course we have fun with it now and then, but it's certainly not the "elephant in the room" if we "go without" for some time. It's just not that important to either of us compared with all the other things we do together. I used to fret about being a terrible wife, but he's really not bothered and has always prized good company way over sex.

For me, great sex has always involved a certain amount of objectifying the other person (in that "phwoar!" way...), which is difficult to do with someone I feel so natural and happy with.

What's normal is obviously different for everyone... but I'm always a bit sceptical about the amount of $$$ poured into pharmaceuticals to "treat" lack of desire, e.g. among menopausal/postmenopausal women, and am also conscious that marketing generally uses sex to sell us all kinds of shit. It's hard to know what's natural any more when we're all driven mad by expectations and pressures and overstimulation. I don't recall my parents or grandparents worrying about how often they had sex.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride
I think this plus the sex means you have more or less 'friend zoned' him even though you are in a relationship! It doesn't really matter if other people think it's normal or not. It doesn't sound like you are in a romantic relationship just that you are flatmates who occasionally have sex!

Both 40, I'm post menopause too

I don't think it's normal at all, especially not after 4 years (that's really not very long) and with no children (children make it more difficult to find the time/be spontaneous) and the fact that you mentioned another man you fancy that much was bizarre!

Op, I.domt know if it is normal for everyone but I am 62 years old and have had 4 long term relationships where we lived together for more than 2 years, two of those were marriages ( current one is 20 yrs) and my libido fell considerably after 2 years in all of them. .
I have worked at this more in my current marriage ( none of my partnes have been bad men at all) but I honestly have almost no active desire for sex after the first couple of years . I have learnt that I do have some reactive desire so I have to be willing to start off rhe process of having sex even without the initial desire and more often than not the desire comes ( assuming I am.getting on ok with my partner at the time )

Oh dear. It's over isn't it? You don't sound "in love" anymore.

Me and DH have been together for 17 years, and I would still happily shag him several times a week. Unfortunately our working schedules don't allow that, but when we are off work or on holiday, we make up for it. There's nothing that would make me laugh in his face or tell him to fuck off if he pinned me down. No way.

How old are you? We are 55 & 53.

It's not a "him" issue, it's a "you" issue.

Guaranteed, you'll be posting on here a few years from now, saying he's had an affair and has left, and wishing that you'd addressed this issue, before he had his head turned.

Very, very few men with a libido, will hang around indefinitely, with a woman who is dead below the waist.

For me, great sex has always involved a certain amount of objectifying the other person (in that "phwoar!" way...), which is difficult to do with someone I feel so natural and happy with.

@Beachtastic Thank you! You've summed it up better than I was able to - that's exactly it!

When I fanatsize, its about guys who are sure of themselves and know what they want - not arrogant, overpowering or unemotional just quietly self-confident. It's what attracted me to DP in the first place. But, of course, once you've got to know someone and let down your guard, you become aware of each other's insecurities and see each other in vulnerable moments. DP's not had any nervous breakdowns or anything, its just you become aware this person is just a human being too.

This is exactly it. DP is my third serious relationship. I went through exactly the same with the previous two. The first, I finished it because I was in my twenties and presumed we'd just outgrown each other. The second did nag and pester me, which only made things worse and, to be honest, he turned out to be a bit of a manchild anyway, so figured that was the cause that time around. With DP, though, there's none of those reasons. Then, as I said, I talked to friends and found they've had the same exeperience. We've all just turned 40. Still get crushes on men we barely know and no desire to leave our partners. But no strong desire to have sex with them either. If it were the perimenopause it wouldn't have been happening all our lives.

Once a week in the early days is definitely not “all over each other”. In the early days, we were doing it at least twice a day - sometimes five times in the night.

It sounds like you’ve never had a high sex drive in this relationship OP.

After four years, two or three time a year is NOT normal.

I’ve been with my DH for 19 years and I’d still happily have sex three times a week.

If he wants more sex I would let him go, as this will only get worse for him.

333 votes at time of posting and its almost an even split - which I reckon means around 150 posters out there must agree with me. Just wish they'd post as much in support as those who disagree! 😂

Indeed 👍

it’s a bit disingenuous to say “that’s not normal!!! We have sex 70 times in one week and we’ve been together 40 years!”
the truth is more nuanced. Relationships are like cakes - different amounts of ingredients in each and every variation. No one can say what is normal for someone else; it depends on your personality, upbringing, what your experiences are. Some people (and this is extreme) may have been abused in their adolescence so associate sex with a long term partner as triggering - this is usually only uncovered in a long term relationship, and a lot of people find it’s fine in the beginning of the relationship but then these vulnerabilities are triggered when the relationship becomes emotionally close. Lust, in the beginning of a relationship, can mask these difficulties. I know that many people will not understand this phenomenon.
then there are the people that as they get emotionally close and feel safe with a partner, feel repulsed by sex with someone who they’re so close to they’ve stopped seeing them as sexual separate people (read Esther Perrell) - for these people they need separateness from their partner to keep the sexual tension alive. It doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with their relationship. After all, we all know people who are in abusive relationships or in a relationship with someone who isn’t altogether nice to them and yet the sex is hot and heavy. And finally, intimacy is important yes, but intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to be all about sex.
OP, only you can decide what is normal and makes you and your partner happy. Listen to your heart and be your own guide - after all, you are the expert on you, no one else has walked a mile in your shoes.

You need to be open with your DP about this - that you’ve never really been very interested in sex after the initial first flush of any relationship, and that you aren’t sure if you’re going to regain any interest in having regular sex with him. Ask him how he feels about the relationship continuing on the basis that this will be how it is. At the moment, he’s being patient and hoping it’s just a phase of life, and trying his hardest to create romance and situations which might make you feel sexier. But you know that these are very unlikely to change the way you feel, and are actually thinking about other men. It’s not fair to string him along, and it’s only going to make you as well as him miserable in the long run because he’s not just suddenly going to forget sex exists and settle for some nice handholding.

You’re grasping at straws with the whole “I wish the people in the poll who voted the same way as me would post their views” - because they’re irrelevant. They might be in relationships with partners who are also uninterested in sex and happy with very little. Yours isn’t.