AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

I haven’t voted as I don’t think the poll answers reflect what I wanted to say.

This! After 20 years, with small kids...yes
Once in 4 months after 4 years and no kids? No

So you've gone off sex and are lying to him about how you really feel about it?

Do you even like this man? If so, why do you feel that he doesn't deserve the truth?

Definitely true! Especially the bit about sex drive- boils my piss when people claim men have higher sex drives than women as a rule 🙄 not in my experience. Women love it and want it just as much as men do. Me and all my friends have always been horny as hell. Definitely true that marriage and cohabitation favours men more than women.

Not normal to me. We've been together over 30 years and have obesity and disability to contend with but still have very enjoyable sex at least once a week.

You've had a drastic drop in your sex drive in just two years from having sex most weeks to once in 4 months. You haven't had significant life crises going on. There aren't the stressors of young children and breast feeding. No, I don't think a complete loss of desire for your partner after 4 years is the norm for a romantic partnership given the lack of crises and stressors.

I would be getting a physical checkup if I had lost my libido to that degree. You say you have no energy.

But then you say you still feel desire, like for the hobby guy.

So you need to look at the relationship and the sex. Your partner no longer excites you and you avoid sex. Is the sex bad? I would not be happy if my partner made excuses for 4 months and I'd be having some frank discussions. You shouldn't be having sex you don't want. But, your partner should not be stuck in a sexless partnership without his consent.

You two might not longer be compatible in a romantic relationship.

In answer to your question, I don't think there is a "normal". But me and DH still have sex multiple times a week (obviously taking out factors such as illness etc) and I don't think either of us would be happy with any less.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless

I would say that isn't good (or normal) at all. There is no bloke alive who I would rather have sex with than my DH. I get not being in the mood after a busy day or not feeling sexy if you're full of a cold... But I think wanting to shag someone else and not your partner is a whole different territory...

The only things that affected my sex drive in the 23 years with dh are post partum and now menopause. The rest of the time we have had a great and varied sex life.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!)

You just dont want to shag your partner then. You have gone off him.

Four years is NOT a long term relationship.

So basically OP you don’t fancy your partner anymore, you fancy other men and you think this is your partners problem?

Put the poor sod out of his misery and end this

It isnt short

I’m not quite sure how this is a him issue?
After 4 years I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to be having sex like once a month but everyone’s different and what is normal to everyone varies. It sounds like you’ve never had a high sex drive if you were only having sex once a week in the beginning so this sounds like it is your normal. Your partner will either put up with it or get fed up eventually

It's not normal and your reluctance to communicate about it will only make it worse.

I also think implying that your partner is abnormal for wanting sex more than once a month 4 years into a relationship is ok either, leaving aside that you’ve got a wandering eye already.

Not sure where once a month is coming from - "once in the last 4 months" is significantly less than that

Once a week at the beginning is “ all over each other”?! 😆😆

I was with my late OH for 15 years and never lost that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling about him. Life sometimes got in the way and frequency dropped for a while but the desire was always there.

Towards the end I even found myself thinking "he quite suits that oxygen tube"!! As no matter what he just looked amazing to me. The same way people think their partner looks better in their glasses etc.

He might be ok enough with it now but as time goes on he might find that it gets to him more and more, so the relationship may not last.

He might be telling himself that this will get better and that you're just stressed out now.

Of course that doesn't mean that you should have sex when you don't want to so there may not be a solution that means that you stay together.

I don't think once a week is high! I have been with my partner 18 months, we don't see each other more than once a week but we went away for the weekend and did it 2-3 times a day - that's can't keeping hands off of each other!

How old are you?

I think it can be natural to switch between spontaneous desire and responsive desire as a relationship matures and as you get older and life gets busier. Spontaneous desire, when sexual thoughts and urges pop into your head on their own, leading you to initiate or have rip thier clothes off sex is more common early in relationships. Responsive desire, needs a sensual/ sexual context first so you may have to be quite intentional to make it happen and it's easy to be too tired / lazy/ busy and make excuses not to go there!

YANBU. I have become asexual with the years though so don't want to have sex with either DH or anyone else. Never was really in to it in the first place tbh. I prefer a cuddle.

Been with my husband 18 years, neither of us would be happy with the scenario you've described. 4 years really isn't very long at all to have lost all desire for your partner.

Think it depends, honestly DH’s has dropped off a cliff and I can’t say I’m thrilled about it, together 15 years.