AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

You’ve only been together 4 years?! I wouldn’t say this is normal at all, nor is once a week “ripping each others clothes off”

Where is the rule book for what relationships should look like? Who is the expert and author of this rule book? What about relationships that have a perfect sex life but other stuff is wrong? Does a relationship even exist where everything is perfect?

I'm not sure having loads of wild sex, or tame sex, or not having it, or not having it often enough (says who, exactly...?) is the measure of a healthy relationship, although we are sort of brainwashed into thinking it should be.

That's not a dig at anyone who has a wonderful companionship and an Olympic-standard sex life, hats off to them; but I do think we are tricked into giving it too much weight by the frantic consumerist spectacle that firmly places "sexy" at the very pinnacle of human aspiration.

It's why you just can't assume that the general response/opinion on any thread reflects society.
People don't tend to talk about stuff like this much. I don't talk to my friends about my sex life, and they don't me. If ever it does come into conversation after a few drinks, most couples don't give off the impression they're shagging all day long. More the opposite due to kids, life, bad breath, heat, bad habits, etc.

Support or not, the practicality of the issue is soon your husband will step out to find sex elsewhere. Aka cheating, though you could hardly call it that when you deny him sex. A spouse isn't expected to remain celibate in marriage.

If that's not the outcome you're hoping for, do something about it and start having regular sex with him once again.

As I said, he doesn't want to have sex either, if I'm getting nothing out of it.

He says he picks up on it and it turns him off. And unfortunately I'm not a good actress. Even when I've tried faking, he's clocked something's off!

No of course not, but the fact that the OP has said in previous posts it’s not something she even wants to talk about with her DP is the issue here.

I’m afraid extremely normal for me - I’m 63 now but have been married twice and lived with someone for 4 years- I’ve been like this in every long term relationship

Not normal for me at all. But then, I wouldn’t say once a week at the beginning was much either. We are all different though. All that matters is that you are both happy with the arrangement.

It’s a you issue and you need to address it.

Stop burying your head.

visit a Dr, have the standard checks, go to couples therapy, put the effort into each other.

Have the tough conversations about what you both want from your marriage and what you both need from each other.

If you continue to bury your head, we’ll see you back here in a few years crying because he’s left you for someone who actually showed him love and affection.

On and off for 30 years, shagging at least 3 x day on holidays so yeah hardly dry up with the time…

This tells me that you need to mix things up a little bit to kick start everything again! Me and DH have been together 17 years and have had high and low periods but if we feel like things are dipping we talk about it or do something a bit different :)

This is true. OP, you need to ask him. If he says "oh, I'm just as happy eating a sausage roll" you know you're good. If he looks miserable, it's time to get some action in!

It might also depend on the age of the couple. Older couples (50+) will usually want/need less sex than those in their 20s/30s.

If you’ve been together 30 years you must be in your 50s, and you’re shagging 3x a week on holiday… that’s good going 😂Not to be lewd but is he using viagra or similar?

Wow really? It’s always seemed like men get bored of the same familiar woman more often and sooner than women feel bored of their DH. Men are more prone to infidelity…

I often think that familiarity depresses your libido. The best sex is illicit sex I think. Also I find that when I feel emotionally secure the urge goes! I don't really know the answer to this.

It’s only something like 40% - 60% of men over 50 who experience ED, so a good proportion are going to be the fortunate ones who don’t! I think there’s probably also an aspect of “use it or lose it”: if (like OP’s DP) you’re a man in a relationship where sex isn’t very frequent, it probably creates a situation where when sex is on the cards there’s an element of novelty, performance anxiety etc which also feeds into the ED statistics. If a couple have a decent and regular sex life, it probably provides an element of protection against that.

Men Are more prone to infidelity. I don’t think they get bored of their partners as much as bored of a lack of sexual excitement. They also cheat because they don’t feel connected any more and for many men that comes from sex so if that declines then they seek or become more open to getting it elsewhere.

I've been with my DH 20 years and have 3 kids, it's never been four months without sex. I also don't think about ripping other peoples clothes off, although I know some do in loving committed relationships.
I'd say it was probably around about 10 years and 2 kids in that it reduced but not to that extreme, I don't think it's ever been more than a month other than after giving birth.
For me personally if I'd lost my interest in sex with my partner (it is only your partner, you think of another man in a sexual way) only 2-3 years in I'd see that as a sign the relationship is over but everyone is different.

Why haven't you told him the real reason you're not having sex with him and instead are preferring to lie to him by making him think you're just distracted? Do you care for him so little that you don't think he deserves the truth?

When he tried the blue pill it was more frequently🫣 so not going this road yet. I think we still fancy each other and the whole sex thing only gets better with the age for us…

I don't think there is any normal with sex. As long as you're both happy with the amount of sex you're having, it's fine 🤷

Agree. You aren’t being fair, to either of you: you’re using plumbers and work and an untidy house as brush offs; leading him to think that when these things change your feelings will change, and setting yourself up for a future of him trying to create romantic lead-ups to sex that you don’t want by pretending that this isn’t part of a pattern you’ve experienced in all your relationships, because you won’t be open that you think it’s probably normal and just how the relationship will be from now on. If you really do believe it’s normal to lose interest in sex in long term relationships then why don’t you feel able to talk to him about it and say you think this is normal?

He sounds like a decent man, he doesn’t want to put pressure on you, he doesn’t want sex that you don’t enjoy having, he wants to have sex with you that you want just as much as he does. That’s all a good basis for an honest conversation. Is the reason that actually, you don’t think he’ll agree that it’s normal, and that being honest with him about your lack of interest in sex will ultimately be a dealbreaker for him and the end of the relationship?

Look, ofc it is normal for desire to fade a bit after the first 2-3 years (hence your mixed poll results). However, no sex in 4 months after 4 years is definitely NOT normal unless you're in the midst of babies/breastfeeding/illness. I've had this conversation with close groups of girlfriends married 10yrs and average seems to be around 1x/week.

The way you describe your DP I wonder if it's actually a fancying-DP-problem rather than a biology problem. Sounds like he's lovely and dotes on you but that can get a bit much and just isn't that attractive to some women. Sorry if it's cheesy but if you've watched sex and the city maybe he's your 'Aiden' and you need to find your 'Mr Big'. I've had boyfriends in the past who were so adoring it was stifling. They treated me more like a treasured pet than a lover! It's one thing being 'respectful' but sometimes you do just want to be taken lustfully in your partner's arms. Some men know how to get this just right while still managing to be respectful and loving. Been with my DH 18 years and he still manages to light the spark. Not sure of your age and if you're planning children but if you dont fancy him more now you'll have zero libido after kids. I say leave him and find your Mr Big! (Who isn't gay)