AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

I voted yes, as I think it can be common for frequency of sex to decrease once the shine of a new relationship wears off and you become used to each other (I’d never use the word ‘normal’ though).

I think if you’re content with sex only every few months, at only 4yrs in and no children, this is a really low sex drive, and it’s not something I could personally be happy with.

I’ve been with my DH 13 years and it’s 2-3 times a week for us. We have two primary aged kids and work full time.

It doesn’t matter though, since you both seem content. Are you asking because you’re unhappy?

After 4 years, you're not in the first flush of a new relationship, but that's very soon to be completely losing desire for your DP to the point of no sex for months.

What you need to work out is, is this a relationship issue, or a you issue? If the latter, what's causing you to feel unsexy? Hormones, tiredness, weight gain?

Been together 25 years and yes it's less than early days but still at least once a week (barring life stuff eg kids, illness etc). Four years is no time at all... but at the end of the day it depends whether both partners are happy with the situation. If not, that's a problem.

Why wouldn’t I have had kids? Bizarre comment.. We had 2 children, and no I know plenty of people who are together after 20 years, with kids and still active in the bedroom, not every day, every week is more realistic. If you’re not compatible and can’t talk to each other, then yes I guess it would wane after 10 years, but if you’re get together with someone in your early 20’s, I would be unhappy it wanes after 10 years and not try to rectify it…..if that’s the case, no wonder there are many divorcees around.

If you’re not fancying sex with him after only four years, but you fancy other people, that’s not an issue with your libido.

I think the worst think is you don’t seem to care if your partner is unhappy with the frequency of sex. You may not be compatible anymore as sex seems important to him but not you. You don’t have to have sex you don’t want but I don’t think he should continue in the relationship if not happy. I don’t believe in all this opening up the relationship crap, it’s messy and I’m old school. If I was in your partners position I’d just leave. Sex is important to me - we don’t have kids or a house together though some finances but I couldn’t stay with someone I love and couldn’t show my love though sex.

OP the poll is split because most people would agree that when in a long term relationship, sex frequency will reduce.

i think if you changed the poll to say ‘is it normal that 4 years into a relationship sex would dwindle down to 3 times a year?’ the votes would be a resounding ‘NO’

As others have mentioned, you don’t seem that bothered about it, nor receptive to your DPs (very reasonable) suggestions of more romance. I think if you were brutally honest with your friends about exactly how infrequently you are having sex, the conversation would be different.

im mid 40s with two small children and have zero libido. But we make time for each other once a week and I find that lost libido very quickly when we make the effort!

The fact that you also are making excuses and don’t want to discuss it suggests that this relationship might not be for long

Have you ever considered seeing a sex therapist? I don’t say that to make a point-my sister in law has just trained is sex psychotherapy and does a lot of couples counselling focusing on sex with lots of success (and mostly the issues are not just about sex)

Maybe the relationship is just over. They dont last forever

So to sum up, your dp is suggesting ways of freshening up your sex life as he's not satisfied, but you are so actively uninterested in sex that you are instead giving untruthful excuses for not doing it.

You could just tell him what you are telling us, that you think sex every four months is normal after four years. But you've not said that to him? That suggests to me that you don't think he'll agreed with that viewpoint, either because you can see the flaws in it yourself, or because you think he won't be happy if he thinks this situation is long-term.

You explain that you find a fairly arrogant man a turn-on, but that you don't like the side effects of that man being a right shit. Maybe you could explore this a bit further and try to work out why you prefer arrogance, and why you see your dp's kind nature as unsexy.

I doubt the poll will tell you much, as even if sexlessness was totally normal, it#s clearly not what your dp wants.

Totally agree,I’ve been with my husband for 41 years both late 50s now ,we had 3kids still had an active sex life .We still do now at least twice a week with no blue pills .

Everyone is different, everything changes.
All that really natters is honest communication.

Matters .... not natters!

Your early days sound quite lacklustre, and now you want to rip another man's clothes off; so I'm guessing this relationship was never 'hot' at any point.

If he wants more sex I'd suggest he sets himself free to find someone with mutual desire.

This

I voted YABU @Anotheranon123 because your sex life should not be dropping off after just 2 years together! Maybe 25-30 years, but not 2! Many couples are still sexually active in their late 40s/early 50s. I am sure that someone will come on and say that they know people (or are those people) who are still shagging like bunnies at 65-75, but in reality, most couples will have much less sex (if any at all,) by mid their 50s. Not after 2 years though! 😬

It’s 4 years into the relationship not 2. But I totally agree with your point!