AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

I used to think it was normal, when I was in a (for the last few years sexless) marriage.
However, my now DP and I have been together nearly 4 years and I still fancy him like mad. Sex is down to once a day, admittedly, from like 3-5 times a day?? But we're still very much into each other and attracted to each other! As a disclaimer: we don't live together, so that might have something to do with it 🤷‍♀️ although I don't think it's the sole reason.

Dates and nights away aren’t cringe or forced. It’s what you need to do to see each other through non-housemate eyes. Try it!

bike rides are fine too - just being together away from normal life is good

Everyone’s libido is different. What’s important is that you’re communicating and on the same page.

Have you talked openly about the change in things and asked his opinion?

Have you talked about what would make you more open to intimacy more often?

Do you know each others love languages? Some people appreciate words of affirmation, others acts of service. Knowing these things is useful as it can make the relationship stronger is other ways and therefore leads to more intimacy.

Totally normal in my friend group. Libido definitely ebbs and flows with life's ups and downs and sex isn't the only way to bond.

The issue is are you feeling unfulfilled? If both parties are ok with less sex then I don't think it's a sign of less love or affection in the relationship. It can work if both parties are happy and feel connected and loved. But if you feel you would like it more from a different man then there might be a problem.

Just remember the grass is always greener. If your partner makes you feel loved and happy then there's no need to worry.

After four years with no children? I think your relationship is either over, so one of you needs to make that decision to end things, or else you need to do a big turnaround to work on things.

I'd probably want to rip his head off tbh 😂. I realise its hypocritical - but as i said, I have it in perspective. I know I'm looking at someone through an idealised lens and the reality would be different. From my - and friends - experience, no matter who we've been, a couple of years in - when you know the person warts and all and the uncertainty's worn off - the shine wears off, sexual desire-wise. With DP, I do have fun and get on well with him and that's what's most important - however don't feel its unreasonable to point out that's not the sexy bit!

I'd rather not communicate and discuss it more, tbh. I'd just feel pressurised when, as I said, I think it might just be natural.

Tbh my libido did get lower after a baby and we did go down to about once a month at that time and for a while. However, I had zero interest in anyone else. That’s the combination that suggests this relationship has run its course to me.

100%, as well as the romantic adoration or the want to be around them all the time, or even most of the time even at all.

Yet, we force ourselves to the detriment of our happiness.

Yes it may be natural but not communicating and effectively ignoring the elephant in the room is a recipe for disaster and will lead to the breakdown of your relationship.

Your partner is an equal member of this relationship and he deserves to given an explication as to your feelings and the chance to say how he feels on the matter.

I came to this thread fully prepared to agree with you but no, not to that degree, I really dont think that is normal and I dont think it would be tolerable for me or my DH. We've been together nearly 20 years and have 4 kids aged 6 to 13 and still have sex at least every month (we are very very rarely without the kids... one is disabled needing round the clock attention otherwise we would both prefer more)

My mum and dad still have regular sex after 40+ years - please don't ask me how I know this.

This seems avoiding and dancing around an elephant in the room? If you feel pressured after talking about it with him, then obviously this isn’t a state that your partner is happy with. I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you don’t want the conversation, how it makes you feel and why if he were to say avtually he wants sex more than just once a quarter.

when I got into a rut with my husband we went to house parties together and just flirted with other people. Seeing eachother as sexual beings in the eyes of others outside the relationship reignited something between us where it’s not just “Mr Zebra does the washing up how lovely I feel so safe and cared for” to “Mr Zebra is desirable, has sexual energy, and so do I”

4 years is not long term and not normal at that age and stage for the tiny amount you do have

What would your partner say? Is he happy with the frequency?

He's not, but is understanding and accepts it's a "him" issue - as I said, he wouldn't want to do it more frequently if I was just going through the motions either. For the past few months, since he picked up on it, I've been passing it off as caused by various other things: feeling under the weather, something big coming up at work that's stressing me, having the plumber come in and disrupting the house, etc.

This. There’s a difference between natural fluctuations in libido, which are normal; and no longer feeling attraction or desire towards your partner and only having such infrequent sex.

You need to be honest with yourself about whether the relationship has run its course for you because you’re friends rather than lovers. And be honest with your DP. He might not be “nagging” you about the lack of sex but in the inside, he’ll be feeling all kinds of things.

ETA: wanting sex with the person he is in a relationship with is not a “him issue.” And I think if you put your head in the sand and pretend that this is all his problem and that it’s perfectly normal for young, healthy, childfree couples to be satisfied with sex once or twice a year, you’re going to be blindsided when he decides that the relationship isn’t working for him and ends it.

He accepts it's a "him" issue.

Wow

You’re dealing with this in the completely wrong way. You’re lying to your partner rather than actually addressing the issue. Loss of libido is fine but you should be talking and being honest and asking him what’s acceptable and what isn’t for him too.

You haven’t asked him what’s important to him with regards to intimacy. You haven’t talked about how you could improve things. You’re just burying your head and ignoring the issue.

If your husband was one day to stray out of pure desperation for wanting intimacy or a loving partner you would be the first to be writing a thread calling him an asshole.

edit to add: this isn’t a him issue. Wanting intimacy and closeness with a partner is a normal natural thing. It doesn’t make him wrong. It’s actually a you issue yet you won’t address it.

Thanks everyone for responding - I do find it interesting though that whilst many posts don't agree the actual poll suggests it might be more even! 😂

I was thinking that, once a week is not that much at all, I’m nine months into a new relationship and our record is five times in 24 hours. That’s all over each other.

also four years is very soon to be tailing off to that extent. I was with my late wife 13 years and it was only the last three years that things tailed off that much

Ultimately the poll is pointless information. You aren’t dating MNers who don’t enjoy sex or want their relationships to be sexless. Your partner is telling you he isn’t satisfied with such infrequent sex and that it’s affecting how he feels. He’s the one who’s opinion matters.

Sorry but I don’t think you not wanting sex with him is a ‘him issue’ it’s a you issue that you really need to communicate properly as adults not continue burying your head in the sand.

I’m pretty sure it’s a scientific thing that women prefer novelty. So when sex drive goes down it’s not that men have an increased sex drive to us overall, it’s more that we get bored of our partners more easily. I’ll try to find what I read on this previously for info.

I mean, it's common to be hot and heavy in the beginning and then for things to calm down over time, but I've been with my dh over 20 years and we still have sex roughly weekly. I consider 4 years in to be early days still, so would be disappointed if things had gone of the boil that early.

I think a relationship does benefit from a combination of romantic time together, adventurous activities AND time apart doing your own things separately. Do you spend much time apart?