AIBU to think losing libido in a long-term relationship is NORMAL?

[Anotheranon123]

I love my DP. I can depend on him to take care of me, he's respectful, sweet and romantic and he does his share of the housework (probably more than me to be fair!😂). There's nothing medically wrong with me and we don't have kids.

We've been dating four years. For the first two we were all over each other - I'd say shagging at least once a week. But during the third year, for whatever reason, this dropped to about once a month. Now during the last year, to be honest, I just don't desire him like I used to. I still love him and like hugging him, etc. I just can't be arsed with sex. We've only really done the deed once in the last four months. DP has been very respectful about this. He's not nagging me and made it clear he'd get nothing out of it if I wasn't into it as well.

I know I'm not asexual, because there's a guy in my hobby group who I absolutely would love to rip the clothes off and shag senseless, were I single (and he wasn't gay!) But even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be tempted because I know it's just the thrill of the newness that excites me. We wouldn't actually make a good couple.

The thing is, I've talked to friends and found they all have a similar story: high libido for the first couple of years, then tailing off after a couple of years. It just makes me think maybe, just maybe, this is natural? Fair enough, many people might have partners who don't pull their weight or are in stressful situations or have medical conditions - but actually, even without those factors it just seems normal to me that after a couple of years you just know your partner well enough now, warts and all, and you know you're solid as a couple, that they fall off the desirability pedastal. And (for most women - I know there's some who still have a high libido) that's not a sign anything's wrong.

For what its worth, DP has mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages, etc (he's more into romance than me to be fair) but I can't help find it all a bit cringe/forced. I'd much rather go for an unromantic bike ride.

I totally understand it reducing from the initial rampant need, we were at it 6 to 7 times a day. I couldn’t bend over without him slipping something up me 🤣 then it settled down to 2/3 times a week.

we pretty much stopped all together 6y in but that was because I was ill and VERY fat. I didn’t want him touching me because I was disgusted of myself.

then I lost weight, got my mojo back with the help of HRT and Testosterone (I went through very early menopause which I didn’t realise, so that wouldn’t have helped) and now we’re 14y in and probably have sex 10 to 14 times a week.

my husband also wouldn’t want to be intimate if I wasn’t into it. He’s previously stopped midway because sensed I just wasn’t interested. But I do find him very sexy and I’m more attracted to him every day.

4 years!! I expected you to say it's been 20 years and you are both in your 60s..
No it's not normal for sex to have dried up so much after 4 years.
A little in comparison to the very early days, yes. Ebbs and flows due to life stressor, yes. But completely dwindled after 4 years, no. That is a problem.
If both of you aren't on the same page it's a problem.
It might be that this relationship has run it's course for you... you can't expect someone to remain in a relationship where they basically aren't wanted sexually any more and you don't want to work on it.

I don’t recognise this at all, no. Four years is no time at all!

I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years. We have sec 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes more. We have 3 kids. Once a week at the start is "Not all over each other" - Sounds more like a gratification shag/boredom. Lust&love are two very seperate things, but can come together (no pun intended). Perhaps you're friends with benefits and you just love him like a friend?

Do you have any children, just out of interest? How old are you both now?

Do you have children? I sometimes wonder whether not having kids men that you can keep the spark alive for longer

We don’t have children, we are 35 and 36.

@Marianna95 it’s interesting you say that - I’m in my early 60s but have friends early to mid 40s - 3 with kids, 2 without - the only two remotely that interested in sex ( and all in relationships) are the two without kids

Waned after 32 years I'd say, too predictable, and found he was selfish, always about him. We did as much as possible in the first 25 years!! After 4 years, yr sex drive is low or yr not a match..or talk it out with him

I think kids inevitably affect relationships, it's the tiredness.

32 years is a long time for it not to wane. You mustn't have kids? Most people it probably wanes after 10 years or so, and then naturally as both people age, get into their 40s, 50s...

You sound very like me!

Married 9.5yrs, together for 12.5
He is a great husband....great dad to our 2 kids aswell.
Breastfeeding and sleepless nights killed the limited libido I had previously.

There was never really much lust etc there with us though even in the beginning (on my side) but the sort of bloke I get crazily sexually attracted to wouldn't make a good life partner.

So I made the sensible choice and don't regret it....we tick over okay and have a happy life together :) I love him, and certainly don't find him UNattractive.
We have sex afew times a month.
That might increase abit when I've stopped breastfeeding maybe.I know he would like it to.But I'm always tired aswell! Sex can feel quite mundane and repetitive but I'm not really very adventurous as I'm quite prudish and don't like being naked.He is a great lover but I feel I do it mainly for him as I'm really not that fussed by it.

I definitely think there's something in the lust waning when you know things are solid, in my experience anyway.

TBH as a teen/young adult I often used sex to pull guys closer and make myself feel wanted.Not a healthy dynamic but guess I just don't feel I need it much anymore.

@Marianna95 I don’t think they affect all long term but they certainly do in a lot of cases for a good few years - in my case I was just not interested physically after a few years !! None were unattractive at all

How sad. I’ve been married to DH for 20 years and we have sex 3/4 x a week

Right. So you've gone off him, he's unhappy about it, you don't care and have been canvassing your pals to convince yourself or him that it's totally normal. This is presumably so as to 'prove' he's unreasonable to want an active sex life with you.

Now you're here telling everyone it's totally normal, fine and okay. I don't actually think it's okay to dismiss a partner's concerns like this, particularly in an area which is so fundamental to a sexual relationship. It sounds like you're saying you don't want a sexual relationship any more with him, you want to be housemates.

You're being unfair. As it happens, I do agree with much of what's been said above. Sex with XH#1 tailed off over maybe six years, largely because he was always putting me down while getting his jollies elsewhere (blamed me, of course). My second marriage was a disaster from before the wedding, but we had intense chemistry and were still shagging like mad whilst divorcing. I'm well aware it's possible to have both companionship and lust - XH#2 and I didn't even like or respect each other, so you can forget all that twaddle about needing to idolise a partner 😂

Your DP should give you the elbow if this is how little you care. If you want your sexual relationship to continue, make it sexual. Try the obvious things like getting smartened up for a lovely night out, go away for weekends, take a salsa class together, whatever will revive your interest in his body.

If you can't, then let him go - and give yourself the chance of a relationship with more chemistry.

Apart from the years we had kids can't say it's low either 15 years on its better tbh love my man love the bod

This.. I feel sorry for your DP.

At the moment you're telling him that it's for this reason or that reason, he might very well be hopeful that this will change.

You said he's 'mooted going on dates, doing romantic things, giving massages' etc but you think they're cringe/forced. That sounds like the actions of a man trying to bring the spark back a bit and like he's trying to get you in the mood.

You said he's picked up on it for the past few months, you clearly don't anticipate your libido coming back, so how do you think this is going to go in the next few months/years?

Going by the poll it seems like this is normal for a lot of people, but it's also normal that relationships like this won't last.

As I said before you definitely shouldn't have sex you don't want but you need to also understand that this relationship might not last, and there may be nothing you can do about that if for you you naturally have a low libido after new relationship energy dies down, but don't you think your partner deserves honestly so he can make up his own mind about whether he wants to continue in this relationship knowing that this isn't going to change? If it's going to end wouldn't it be better that it ends now rather than in a few years?

I'd be like your partner and even though I have a high libido I wouldn't want my partner to do it if they didn't want to like when they were stressed about stuff, but if he was lying about it and saying it was work stress/feeling sick etc when he knew that he just lost his libido while in relationships then that would be a major betrayal.

Entirely normal. If you only had a Ferrari in the garage, sometimes it's a bit boring/samey and you just want a Fiat Panda.

It's variety that makes life interesting.

He might not want to have sex with you if you aren't into it but he's not going to turn asexual so he's still going to be wanting sex even if he's not having it. You have a very fixed view of this and you've decided it's normal therefore he just has to accept it and you don't even want to discuss it any further. I couldn't live like that as either partner in your relationship and I can't see it lasting the distance if you just decide your libido has gone and that's it. Of course desire takes a bit more effort and work when you've been together a long time but it doesn't need to disappear completely!

He might not want to have sex with you if you aren't into it but he's not going to turn asexual so he's still going to be wanting sex even if he's not having it. You have a very fixed view of this and you've decided it's normal therefore he just has to accept it and you don't even want to discuss it any further. I couldn't live like that as either partner in your relationship and I can't see it lasting the distance if you just decide your libido has gone and that's it. Of course desire takes a bit more effort and work when you've been together a long time but it doesn't need to disappear completely!

I don’t agree with you. I’ve been with my partner 6 years, we don’t live together but manage sex at least 4 times a week and more if we are on holiday. I don’t need to fake it or pretend, I genuinely want to have sex with my partner. It’s rare we wait for bed time to be honest, much more exciting when we take each other by surprise. He’s early 40’s and I’m late 40’s if you need an age range. Do you guys have affection besides sex, because that really helps - holding hands, being emotionally intimate, I get turned on by my partners touch even if it’s not meant to be sexual.

You don’t sound like you really started with a bang, if you excuse the pun…. Having sex once a week isn’t being all over each other. When DH and I were first together it was 3 or 4 times a day! Now I’d say twice a week but dependent on life obviously.

This post made me feel a bit sad, I think you should let your partner go. He sounds like he has a lot of love and affection to give and you’re not interested. I don’t think going on dates with someone you love should feel cringey! Sorry OP but don’t waste his life in a relationship that isn’t right.

You are doing your relationship no favours by not discussing it openly. He’s clearly dissatisfied with this aspect and you are stonewalling him. It’s not fair to him.

I think if you aren’t shagging each other like rabbits when you first meet then it’s not going to get better only worse
you have what is known as a dead bedroom and I feel sorry for your partner

When we met we had 3 kids between us 4 5 & 6
we still had sex pretty much every day sometimes twice a day

didn’t have any more kids so we have always been able to have a fairly active sex life

25 years on and we still generally have sex 3 times a week more if we are on holiday