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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have you ever been surprised when you met someone’s spouse/DP?

258 replies

littlemissworry97 · 20/08/2025 18:40

As in they didn’t look or act how you expected them to, or they completely weren’t the type you expected?

OP posts:
FableLies · 21/08/2025 07:58

littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 01:17

It doesn't have to suggest that though. Just because someone says that they think someone is not attractive, it doesn't mean that they think looks are where people's value lies!

I don't believe you think that. Not based on your responses. I think you're backtracking.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 21/08/2025 07:59
  • shaven*
Thenextstep82 · 21/08/2025 08:04

I wonder what people think about me....
This thread does nothing for self esteem....

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/08/2025 08:10

I've had a few friends describe my ExH as good looking, it's made me wince more than once as they know what he's done and takes my breath away a bit that they are surprised.

I suppose he is good looking. He is an afternoon once a week type Dad, it's been like this for years. He has lots of free time, goes to the gym a lot, buys nice clothes and has expensive hobbies. Hasn't had to battle with school runs or long weekends with just you and the kids. Isn't trying to fit exercise around the kids hobbies.

In return though I'm surprised that in his 40s he married a women in her late 50s, she's more sophisticated than him, with more money and thinks he's truly amazing despite the above.

Zov · 21/08/2025 08:34

My DH worked with a man briefly some years ago, who used to bang on about his 'beautiful wife,' how she looks like a model, how all the men fancied her, and 'keep yer hands off her mate, she's mine!' Grin DH was like 'er OK haha.'

Then a few weeks after the bloke said this, his wife popped to the workplace to drop something off for him, and it turned out that she looked like Olive Oyl from Popeye! DH was like Shock He was expecting to see Cindy Crawford from the way he has described her! (Google her Gen Z. Grin)

Nclow · 21/08/2025 08:36

FableLies · 21/08/2025 07:58

I don't believe you think that. Not based on your responses. I think you're backtracking.

I agree @FableLies.

@littlemissworry97, you keep trying to assure that this is "light". But consider that the notion that people that who are "mismatched" in levels of attractiveness is very surprising and worth plenty of headspace is not "light" at all but is quite problematic - it reflects a shallow, commodified view of human relationships and tells the world that on some level, you assign people a market value based on an imaginary attractiveness scale. When you and others express surprise at couples who don't conform, particularly when men appear more attractive than their female partners (which in itself shows the depth of your gendered expectations), you're buying into gender stereotypes that say a woman's worth is primarily tied to her appearance.

Your "surprise" suggests you have some problematic assumptions: that attractive people "deserve" equally attractive partners, that attractiveness is the primary sorting mechanism, and that "mismatched" pairings require explanation or justification. Your "surprise" (that I think might actually be discomfort, jealousy or envy, on some level) witnessing these couples exposes how deeply you've internalised beauty standards that cause real harm, but every time someone on this thread expresses their vulnerability around this you dismiss them, patronise them, and in one case have ganged up on them with another poster ("it's always the insecure ones"). Your reactions actually aren't innocent observations, despite you thinking they are, but active participation in social systems that rank human worth by appearance.

When you're surprised by couples who don't fit your visual expectations, you're revealing more about your own limited understanding of what makes relationships meaningful and long-lasting than about the couples themselves.

It's a shame that you're becoming defensive when you're criticised and forming camps within the thread. Introspection about some of your beliefs and values could be life changing. And your expressions of discomfort at your own reactions, the hedging language and disclaimers, the euphemisms and coded language, shows that you know you have some problematic beliefs deep in you somewhere. Get them out and examine them! You won't regret it.

Curiossir · 21/08/2025 08:40

I have a couple of male friends whose partners are definitely punching above their weight.

grannycake · 21/08/2025 09:21

Nclow · 20/08/2025 20:52

Ouch. My husband is much, much more attractive than me, very fit and sporty and naturally handsome and charming. People are always surprised, and sometimes unpleasantly open about their confusion as to how I managed to snag him (and sometimes I detect a sub-current of pity for him that he's stuck with me).
This thread has made me feel really sad.

Many years ago my DH picked up the DC from playgroup and the next time I was there the staff said OMG he's gorgeous - not at all what we expected. I feel your pain. However 40yrs later I'm ageing far better than him

Starlight1984 · 21/08/2025 09:40

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/08/2025 08:10

I've had a few friends describe my ExH as good looking, it's made me wince more than once as they know what he's done and takes my breath away a bit that they are surprised.

I suppose he is good looking. He is an afternoon once a week type Dad, it's been like this for years. He has lots of free time, goes to the gym a lot, buys nice clothes and has expensive hobbies. Hasn't had to battle with school runs or long weekends with just you and the kids. Isn't trying to fit exercise around the kids hobbies.

In return though I'm surprised that in his 40s he married a women in her late 50s, she's more sophisticated than him, with more money and thinks he's truly amazing despite the above.

The thing is, you don't / won't find someone attractive if they have a shit personality / don't treat you well / don't pull their weight.... You could be with the most handsome man in the world but if you see his bad side, you won't see his good looks anymore. Personality trumps looks after a period of time.

And vice versa. You could be with someone average looking and people (like on this thread!!!) think "oh my goodness why are they with him / her?!" but the person is kind, trustworthy, funny, successful, great in bed and because of these, they are instantly more attractive!!!

I'm lucky my DH IS actually the most handsome man in the world 😉but also his character traits and personality make him even more gorgeous (to me!).

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 21/08/2025 09:53

You’re coming across as incredibly shallow and mean @littlemissworry97

Relationships are complex, people value different things and people change over time.
I also think pregnancy, childbirth and family responsibilities can age women in a way that doesn’t impact men.

GarlicLitre · 21/08/2025 09:54

littlemissworry97 · 20/08/2025 23:30

Yes, that was my response to ANOTHER poster's comment! I never mentioned it in the first place.

Has this thread triggered you in some way? Because you seem more annoyed by it than any of the other posters.

It's not just one PP feeling uncomfortable with the way you wrote about 'Paula Vennells'. It's not particularly what you said about her initially, it's that you went on and on dissing her. Eleven posts, not counting the ones where you said she's 'probably lovely' or some such.

I see you've made an effort to engage on a broader scale, though, so it's all good as long as you don't mention this woman again! 😬

XelaM · 21/08/2025 10:14

My ex-husband was extremely handsome (he used to do modelling) and I'm anything but, so women who only knew him superficially were always surprised what he was doing with me. However, he was such an idiot and awful husband/father that I honestly stopped seeing the attraction and actually got the ick.

littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

“A jealous bully” for having a private thought about something, couples who are mismatched looks wise, and staring an anonymous thread on it? Having a (private) opinion does not make someone a bully. Why are you even commenting on this thread if you hate it so much? Why are you invested go the point of keep coming back and replying?

OP posts:
littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 11:41

SomewhatAnnoyed · 21/08/2025 07:24

Is ‘Post Office’ woman thinner than you? Because as well as referencing her multiple times, which is why you’re being labelled as obsessed, you also keep saying how thin yet haggard she is.

I’m sure you’ll deny this but it’s clear you resent the fact she’s with your boss as much as she’s thin, as you always add the caveat that she either resembles PV or is haggard. Are you annoyed that he doesn’t show any attraction to you?

The man isn’t my boss? And I’m thin I’m a UK 6?? So no.

OP posts:
OopsNoHoliday · 21/08/2025 11:46

Very surprised to discover an older gentleman I know has a black dp. He is a Tory old school type and I would not have guessed he stepped outside his social set as a younger man and married for love. Raised him significantly in my estimation!

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 21/08/2025 11:57

MissBridgetJones · 20/08/2025 22:25

I think this could be my ex... he thought he was such a catch. He wasn't even a nice person. His friends referred to him as 'selfish Dan' 🚩

Nah, the guy himself is great. Just looks like a squashed avocado 😂

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/08/2025 12:57

Just to move away from the 'looks' side of things...

I had a micromanaging boss. Had to be the 'big boss' at all times. Always told me off for smoking. In comes wife and she is chain smoking and absolutely the boss of him 😂. Made perfect sense why he managed at work the way he did because he certainly wasn't the boss at home.

A few years later I moved to another job in the same industry. Have a very similar manager, (comes with the industry really) and low and behold... his wife also wears the pants in their house and chain smokes. I've always found that fascinating.

littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 13:09

GarlicLitre · 21/08/2025 09:54

It's not just one PP feeling uncomfortable with the way you wrote about 'Paula Vennells'. It's not particularly what you said about her initially, it's that you went on and on dissing her. Eleven posts, not counting the ones where you said she's 'probably lovely' or some such.

I see you've made an effort to engage on a broader scale, though, so it's all good as long as you don't mention this woman again! 😬

I used her as my example in replies to others, when they'd felt the same way 😅

OP posts:
littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 13:22

ShoeeMcfee · 20/08/2025 20:10

But also, I used to work with an extremely pretty woman, by anyone's standards. She was bright, and could have got any man she wanted. One day she brought her DH into work with her and I honestly didn't mean to do it but I was shocked at his appearance and I probably looked it, too. But everyone at work was the same, sort of staring and puzzled. Very odd.

It's reasonably common for men to 'punch up' looks wise, although it's still surprising. I've also seen beautiful friends date men who I thought were interesting looking, but maybe they were really nice men?

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 21/08/2025 13:37

XelaM · 21/08/2025 10:14

My ex-husband was extremely handsome (he used to do modelling) and I'm anything but, so women who only knew him superficially were always surprised what he was doing with me. However, he was such an idiot and awful husband/father that I honestly stopped seeing the attraction and actually got the ick.

This was 100% me too with my exH. He was cooler and better looking but had made limiting career choices and was a terrible father. It started to die petty quickly.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 21/08/2025 13:42

If we all found the same type of person attractive, we'd all be fighting over the same eejit.

Goditsmemargaret · 21/08/2025 13:47

Yes it always makes me happy for some reason when I see people who are very mismatched in terms of attractiveness.

littlemissworry97 · 21/08/2025 14:03

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 21/08/2025 13:42

If we all found the same type of person attractive, we'd all be fighting over the same eejit.

This is true but there isn't just one look that's attractive, and there are also some people who most find less attractive. There isn't a definitive tick list of traits, it's just how it is.

OP posts:
GarlicLitre · 21/08/2025 15:10

During my most attractive phase - which, contrary to popular expectations, was age 35-45 - I went out with a fat, ugly, self-admiring slob. That's not only objective, it's an understatement 😂 He's also very intelligent, educated, interesting, well-connected and a STAGGERINGLY considerate lover. I wasn't at all surprised he ended up marrying a woman who, to all appearances, is way out of his league.

Something about breaking eggs to make an omelette, swings and roundabouts and all that.