Hi everyone, I could do with some gentle words of advice. I am feeling very fragile and can't speak to my friends about this - they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life.
I'm 35 and started dating my bf who is 40 8 months ago, we had the exclusivity talk 5 months ago although I don't think either of us had been seeing anyone else. We spend weekends and one weeknight together and have been on holiday together for 4 days.
He has a difficult home situation - his mum became disabled following an accident nearly two years ago. She has no use of her left leg/foot or left hand and has speech difficulties. When this happened, he rented out his house so he could move in with her to support her. This was meant to be a short term thing but has continued - he does not want it to be like this indefinitely and she is better than she was but he feels a lot of responsibility towards her - she is vulnerable and needs his help. I respect him a lot for this but it does take its toll on him. He has a sister who is entirely unsupportive and his parents are divorced so it all falls to him.
He has also never really had a serious relationship. He was with someone for 2 years in his twenties but then went travelling and since then had had short burst of 'seeing people' - 3-6 months but nothing longer than that. He says he does want to settle down but he is also ambivalent towards it and sees it as a big thing. He is very cautious in all areas of life.
I haven't met his friends - they are mostly single and don't appear to take an interest in his love life although they know about me. He is coming to a friend's party with me next month and is happy to socialise with my friends.
This weekend I asked if we might meet each other's families soon and he said 'all in good time' - I asked what he meant as I feel 8 months is reasonable to meet family and he said he has never introduced a girl to his mum and that he would do it once we'd been together for a year but probably not before because he knows she wants him to settle down and wouldn't want to get her hopes up if it didn't work out - he said he didn't think it wouldn't work out between us but that a relationship of a year feels more established. I didn't really understand this and he said he feels it would be a big step - this isn't the case for my family, I have introduced bfs to them pretty early. He said he'd be happy to meet them. I said he must know it's normal to introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to your parents and gave the example of his sister and her husband and he said she actually waited ages to introduce him to his mum and that he doesn't really know him - they don't seem to integrate too much. Is this just a different family dynamics thing?
I also touched on his fears of commitment. He said he is not afraid per se but it is a big thing for him - he worries about letting the other person down and does see it as quite 'final'. I said I was worried that we are not on the same page in terms of what we want out of life (I want a family and am 35 - I have expressed this to him) and he said that we are and that he does want to settle down and is coming around to the idea of it with me but that whilst 90% of my brain can be focused on the relationship and progression a lot of his brain is consumed with his mum.
I feel very torn. On one hand we are making progress and I can see that he is trying - we are spending more time together, he is being more verbally expressive, he shares what's going on for him emotionally re his mum, he brought flowers over at the weekend (the first time he has done this), we are having more sex (his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort). He is not future faking at least! When I am with him I have such a nice time - he makes me laugh, we have interesting conversations etc. But I worry it will go nowhere due to his mum's situation, his inexperience and his fears of commitment.
Equally, anyone who has been OLD around my age over the last couple of years will know how hopeless it is. I could end this and get with someone else who is even more of a commitment-phobe - many of the guys on the apps appear to be, at least in my experience and from anecdotes I have heard from others. Of course bf's mum will always have to be a priority and I accept that. Other guys this age could have kids who would be a priority so the grass isn't necessarily greener. I feel terrified I am wasting my time but I also don't want to end something that could have potential if I am patient (patience is not my strong point).
I imagine many of you will tell me to leave. It is easy to say when it's not your life though. At least if I stay with him I have a tiny bit of hope of it moving forward and becoming something. If I leave there are no guarantees I will find anyone who wants to commit - in all my years of dating and relationships I never have and I don't understand why as I consider myself a nice person and good girlfriend. I am deep into the panic years - if I was in my 20s I could enjoy the relationship for what it is but the pressure of the biological clock is basically ruining everything.