Mine and bf's differing views on progression

[brightandbeautiful89]

Hi everyone, I could do with some gentle words of advice. I am feeling very fragile and can't speak to my friends about this - they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life.

I'm 35 and started dating my bf who is 40 8 months ago, we had the exclusivity talk 5 months ago although I don't think either of us had been seeing anyone else. We spend weekends and one weeknight together and have been on holiday together for 4 days.

He has a difficult home situation - his mum became disabled following an accident nearly two years ago. She has no use of her left leg/foot or left hand and has speech difficulties. When this happened, he rented out his house so he could move in with her to support her. This was meant to be a short term thing but has continued - he does not want it to be like this indefinitely and she is better than she was but he feels a lot of responsibility towards her - she is vulnerable and needs his help. I respect him a lot for this but it does take its toll on him. He has a sister who is entirely unsupportive and his parents are divorced so it all falls to him.

He has also never really had a serious relationship. He was with someone for 2 years in his twenties but then went travelling and since then had had short burst of 'seeing people' - 3-6 months but nothing longer than that. He says he does want to settle down but he is also ambivalent towards it and sees it as a big thing. He is very cautious in all areas of life.

I haven't met his friends - they are mostly single and don't appear to take an interest in his love life although they know about me. He is coming to a friend's party with me next month and is happy to socialise with my friends.

This weekend I asked if we might meet each other's families soon and he said 'all in good time' - I asked what he meant as I feel 8 months is reasonable to meet family and he said he has never introduced a girl to his mum and that he would do it once we'd been together for a year but probably not before because he knows she wants him to settle down and wouldn't want to get her hopes up if it didn't work out - he said he didn't think it wouldn't work out between us but that a relationship of a year feels more established. I didn't really understand this and he said he feels it would be a big step - this isn't the case for my family, I have introduced bfs to them pretty early. He said he'd be happy to meet them. I said he must know it's normal to introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to your parents and gave the example of his sister and her husband and he said she actually waited ages to introduce him to his mum and that he doesn't really know him - they don't seem to integrate too much. Is this just a different family dynamics thing?

I also touched on his fears of commitment. He said he is not afraid per se but it is a big thing for him - he worries about letting the other person down and does see it as quite 'final'. I said I was worried that we are not on the same page in terms of what we want out of life (I want a family and am 35 - I have expressed this to him) and he said that we are and that he does want to settle down and is coming around to the idea of it with me but that whilst 90% of my brain can be focused on the relationship and progression a lot of his brain is consumed with his mum.

I feel very torn. On one hand we are making progress and I can see that he is trying - we are spending more time together, he is being more verbally expressive, he shares what's going on for him emotionally re his mum, he brought flowers over at the weekend (the first time he has done this), we are having more sex (his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort). He is not future faking at least! When I am with him I have such a nice time - he makes me laugh, we have interesting conversations etc. But I worry it will go nowhere due to his mum's situation, his inexperience and his fears of commitment.

Equally, anyone who has been OLD around my age over the last couple of years will know how hopeless it is. I could end this and get with someone else who is even more of a commitment-phobe - many of the guys on the apps appear to be, at least in my experience and from anecdotes I have heard from others. Of course bf's mum will always have to be a priority and I accept that. Other guys this age could have kids who would be a priority so the grass isn't necessarily greener. I feel terrified I am wasting my time but I also don't want to end something that could have potential if I am patient (patience is not my strong point).

I imagine many of you will tell me to leave. It is easy to say when it's not your life though. At least if I stay with him I have a tiny bit of hope of it moving forward and becoming something. If I leave there are no guarantees I will find anyone who wants to commit - in all my years of dating and relationships I never have and I don't understand why as I consider myself a nice person and good girlfriend. I am deep into the panic years - if I was in my 20s I could enjoy the relationship for what it is but the pressure of the biological clock is basically ruining everything.

OP I'll tell you how the next five years of your life will go.

It won't progress as fast as you like, but you'll think you're seeing improvements so you'll stay. He won't move out of his mum's house because he has to look after her - which is fair enough - but you'll think if you just stay a bit longer you'll be able to convince him to.

Then when you're 40 you'll realise he never has any intention of marrying you or having children, and you'll have wasted your life.

I think your gut reaction tells you everything OP. You’ve posted because you’re uneasy. It’s easy for us to say it and not easy for you to accept, but I agree with the last poster that this relationship will be strung out without you getting what you want. Plenty of people impulse get pregnant six months in if they like somebody and are a bit more mature. I’d get looking for someone else and make it clear you’re looking to have DC (but accept that you’re gambling if you haven’t known someone for years and might become a single parent). If you particularly want a child that is, but it sounds like you do.

Nobody is worth this! Look at you trying to justify and navigate this like it’s some huge work load. Kindly this isn’t going to be what you want, he’s making so many excuses and keeping you where he feels comfortable. Please move on from him. the ball is in his court and it’s not right for you guys. You haven’t even met his friends!!! Says so much!

All your concern is on the logistical side of things and wondering what he thinks and will do.

Sorry to be harsh and im saying this because I wasted so much time in similar situations myself...but this isn't what love is

You can spend time on mumsnet reading long marriage woes to know how hard and intense a really committed long term relationship is.

Im now with my real Mr right. Met in my 39s after so many situations like you are describing here. Ive been with dh a very long time now and its very very hard even though he is the absolute love of my life

Im trying to say...you will know what real love is when you find it and it will still be hard to go the distance

It just wont work if you are settling and this guy is keeping you on tenterhooks with his very obvious warnings that he never actually commits

I would suggest finding a therapist to talk all this through with its what helped me when I was your age and repeatedly finding myself in situations with uncommitted men

@Rowen32the decison about your life partner is a big one though and 8 months is quite soon. I don’t know I definitely want him to be my life partner, just that I want to try

@SpidersAreShitheadsi agree that he may never be able to fully leave his mum. He does say that he will leave her and he knows he has to get on with his own life but says he would find it hard. Definitely a discussion to be had.

he has one friend who he sees about once a month. The others he doesn’t see much at all. The last time he saw a few of them together was 3 months ago and there are no plans to meet soon. They don’t have girlfriends really - one has a wife but she doesn’t attend their social gatherings

@NaiceBalonzthis is my fear - that the incremental improvements will keep me with him. @EnglishRainhow do I do this without making the man feel like a sperm donor?

@waterrati tried therapy earlier this year but didn’t find it helpful. What kind of therapy did you have and where did you find your therapist?

I had a therapist I found on the BACP website I think - she was a psychotherapist and we talked a lot about my childhood, how that had shaped my views on relationships -

What concerns me reading your post - is that I recognise a lot of it from my 20s and early 30s - the thought that I needed to really 'try' and also tolerate stuff from men because otherwise I would be alone.

It actually isn't a big decision if you are in your 30s/40s and fall in love to decide to commit- it's normal and healthy to know pretty quickly by this age that you are happy and want to build a life together.

It's interesting you think it is - that suggests to me that you have deeply held beliefs that this man is confirming to you

ie. you may believe (and can explore this with a therapist) that you are difficult to love -

You might believe that it's natural a man wouldn't be sure about whether or not to commit to you -

You might believe deep down that relationships are always hard - that it's always hard to get a man to commit

You might believe that - Men are naturally hard to 'tie down' - they are usually reluctant. Or - you might believe you are not lovable enough to attract a man who immediately is loving and committed.

This man - I'[m going to be honest - sounds awful . He has no friends, he uses his mum as a convenient shield to avoid growing up and having grown up relationships and behaving in an open committed way in relationships.

He isn't going to change. Do you know the saying - when someone tells you who they are - believe them. This is his pattern, it's who he is.

If you were really with the 'right' man you would absolutely know by now that you were in the right place and the right relationship after 8 months.

Walk away and i would actually be certain you will shift your own energy in more ways than one because you will be setting our your belief that you deserve love joy and commitment.

Op, exactly what waterrat said, to me the trying just doesn't sound right

@waterratthanks so much for your insight. I think I probably do think I’m difficult to love - previous boyfriends have said as much although current bf hasn’t made me feel like that. I am also avoidant to an extent and held off having any conversations with about feelings up until 6 months, let alone the future, which in hindsight was probably a mistake. I suppose I have a belief is that relationships take time to build - maybe that is not serving me here.

I’m sorry OP, but I think the situation with his mother is a bit of a red herring. It indicates a level of decency (good) but also a level on which he is unable to make headspace for more than one big thing at a time, and/or is perhaps overly involved with his mother and her views of him… you haven’t met her and don’t know the dynamic. It’s possible he is just an amazingly caring son and she’s an amazing mother. But, given that his sister won’t engage with the situation and the siblings aren’t close, I also wonder whether that’s really all there is to it…

More to the point you’re talking about a man who, by the age of 40, has never committed to another human being (except his mum) for more than a few months and never lived with a girlfriend. That’s not some peculiar quirk of life - it’s because he has never wanted to put someone else first/compromise/make himself fully emotionally available. If he hasn’t managed that in 40 years he is not about to do it now, especially while he has the reason (or excuse) of his caring responsibilities to lean on.

Even more, you say you understand his mum comes first but what does that look like if you stay together and have a family? You shouldering most of the household stuff as he has to see his mum every evening to check on her? Forgoing extended holidays to be near her? Him having to spend time with her at your expense? You all living together? It almost certainly looks like you supporting him in his caring responsibilities as a decent partner would (ie also caring for his mother in his absence). Or, if not, the pair of you building mutual resentment about the different aspects of life you each have to take on more of (childcare etc).

Yes, it’s true you might meet a man who already has children - but children do grow up eventually. It doesn’t seem likely that this situation will ever change. There might be other circumstances, or other people with whom, this scenario could work, but it doesn’t seem that he is going to be able to make this happen. He probably just isn’t built that way. The history of lack of commitment to relationships is a really big red flag you’d do well to be mindful of, and not get too bogged down in the ins and outs of this situation with his mum which, until you’ve met her and seen them together etc, you really don’t know much about.

I've been there, so I do understand how you feel being 35 and panicking about the future. With the benefit of hindsight though, I didn't need to. It very definitely isn't all over yet.

Figure out what you want your ideal future to look like, in real detail, away from your current situation. It will help pinpoint what's most important to you. Otherwise you're likely to act out of panic and fear rather than being proactive.

Is it a relationship, do you want to live with the partner, marry them? Does it need to be a big wedding and what's the house like, do you own it? Etc, etc Then if it is a partner, in finest detail what is it you want them to be? What sort of job do they do, what kind of family do they come from, what education, interests, politics do they have (or whatever is important to you) Do you want a baby? Do you want the baby with a partner? Would you have the baby out of a relationship? Is your career important to you? Does career progression figure in your future? Look at exactly what the picture of 5 or 10 years time looks like in an ideal world for you, and go into the minute detail of each aspect.

It's probably sounds daft, but digging down into what you want makes it easier to see how to get there and recognise it when it's infront of you. And when it's not. At the moment you have vague ideas probably based a bit, if you're really honest, on what you think is expected of a 35 year old woman and on what your friends or family may or may not think. To get that you're trying to mould a relationship into something it isnt, which is a waste of time and energy.

A friend once said to me, when querying a relationship as you're doing now, it really shouldn't be that complicated. She was absolutely right. If you're questioning it this much at this stage it's already a no goer. Experience tells me it is so much better to be happily single than miserably coupled up. Giving up on a relationship doesn't mean giving up on relationships though. This one just isn’t right.

At 37 I was single, unhappy, biological clock ticking down like a time bomb about to go off. I threw myself into something with a friend of a friend, because he was single and that was rare, and it must be better to find someone through friends than online and I just didn't have long left to find someone, full stop. I'd love to tell you it all worked out. It really didn't, but it took me 2 years of questioning everything about the relationship to finally let it go.

Nearing 40 I kind of gave up on desperately hunting a relationship. I had fun with friends, travelled, took a new job, started a hobby and I enjoyed it all. I knew I'd still enjoy a relationship with the right person, but who was that? I did what I've recommended you to do above. In finest detail I sketched out what my ideal man, relationship and our future together would look like. Then, I thought about how would I find that. I went online dating because that was where men looking for relationships were at that point in my life. I had a couple of dalliances that weren't what I'd sketched out, but I saw that straight away and could enjoy them for what they were. Then when I'd had enough of no strings, I found him. Pretty much exactly as described and exactly when I felt ready for it. There was no panic, no second guessing. I was excited, but it was very calm because I just knew this was right, because I knew what I wanted and that matched what he wanted.

By that point I was 41. We now have a 4 year old, house, career, dog, cat, all of it has happened. It's great. But I'm also very knackered, can't go on nights outs and trips away and we get very little time together now, as that's family life and responsibility. It's also paid off digging that deep because even good relationships are hard at times and having someone who you make a good team with makes hard times a little eaier to weather.

Athough I'm happy with my life and wouldn't change it, from here I can also see had it not happened I could be enjoying life in a different way. Travel, lunches with friends, reading lots of books, nights out, study or new career options, a house full of cats, early retirement. Those would have all been fun too.

When making the blueprint for your life base it on your wants and needs and expect others to base their plans on their wants and needs. You shouldn't be trying to make current boyfriend into something he's not but neither should you derail your plans to fit his life. Find what you want elsewhere, where it fits in easily. Best of luck.

First answer nails it. Leave; he’s a mummy’s boy and won’t ever commit.

Sorry, but i have to add my weight behind the 'give up on him' posters here.

I know that's an awful thought, because you really like him, and starting again is no fun at all, and it can take a lot of time to find a 'right-ish' person, but IF you want a family of your own, this man isn't the one.

My DD (also 35 now) left it rather late and has just had a baby, and although she knows she is lucky to have met a nice man, she wishes she had found one sooner.

You do have time to find a nice partner and make a family! just don't cling on to this one, hoping he'll change. He's not going to.

I think if you leave him and state very clearly why, even if he loves you and can offer you what you want he’ll make a very strong effort to prove this to you and get you back.

I think lots of women in your situation might just have an ‘accident’ but that’s not advisable or moral.

The prospects for a 35 year old old are a lot better now then they will be in a few years trust me! Best not to waste a couple on him.

Yes I did this and kind of rushed into having my baby before I had ever ‘tested’ that this was a man that could support me thought hard times etc (I didn’t have any before my pregnancy, he had them
constantly and I supported him so well so I thought when it was my turn he’d be nice to me as he ‘loved me’ - turns out that was conditional on me not having any needs or expectations of him). I’ve had lots of stress dealing with a bully of an ex, but we’re in a somewhat decent routine now and my gorgeous boy is worth it. Dating isn’t easy though!

An 8 month relationship shouldn’t be this much hard work. You shouldn’t be begging him for emotional connection and having to prompt him for sex. You are still very much in the ‘honeymoon’ phase and yet you are not, and if you really do want to have children you need to have a long and very honest conversation with yourself, and him, and seriously consider ending things.

he's coming around to the idea of it with me
If he eventually came round to the idea of moving in with you, with considerable persuasion, do you think that you would have the emotional strength to deal with him saying that you made him move in with you, in future (e.g. in an argument or during a breakup)?
If he gave in and moved in with you despite being reluctant, would you feel secure in the relationship?
Would you feel like he'd done you a favour, and you owed him gratitude for putting up with you?

they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life
For all you know, they might be secretly admiring you for not staying in poor relationships. Even if not, wait another 15 years and the first marriages will be fraying at the edges. Until then, maybe you need some more "imperfect" friends that you can talk to properly, and who don't make you feel you need to catch up by moving in with someone based on the fact that currently, he doesn't seem as bad as your exes.

Well atleast you don't need to "cherchez la femme"; you know it's his mother.
What I'm curious about is his relationship with her. He lives with her, can't bring someone home to meet her and hasn't had any serious longtime relationships... It sounds like he's too enmeshed with his mum, to the point that he's not able to have a relationship with another woman. I could be wrong but how could you find out when you're not even allowed to meet her?

If I were you I would tell him that you want to meet his mother and that him not wanting that proves that he doesn't believe in you as a couple. You are not "the other woman" in the classical sense but in your place I would feel like it and that ought to get your alarm bells ringing 🚩🚩🚩...

Your bar really is low isn’t it? That’s sad. Please don’t waste your time with this fool. He’ll run your clock down and deprive you of choice. He’s not worth that.

OP you sound like a lovely person and I'd really like to tell you what you want to hear. Don't blame yourself for not finding a committed relationship yet, it is just the way life works out sometimes. It's just not something we can have real control over, so much of it is down to luck.

However I would think seriously about whether you want a relationship with someone who is so enmeshed with his mother, especially when you don't actually know what she's like yet. Even if he does eventually move in with you, she's still going to be in his life a lot. What if she's a difficult character? What if you can't stand her? By introducing him to your friends and family you are showing him what your life is like, which gives him the chance to really think whether he can see himself slotting into it. He is not allowing you into his life at all, so how can you possibly work that out? I don't think he's being fair to you. His reason for not introducing you to his mum yet doesn't make any sense to me. I find it very odd that you haven't met any of his family or friends, it makes me wonder whether his mother is difficult and he doesn't really have close friends.

I do think there's a big risk of you wasting a lot of time with him. You might wait another year and then realise the situation with his mum is never going to work for you. You might wait even longer for him to decide he doesn't want commitment and kids after all. On the other hand none of us can tell you how it would work out for you either way, I do feel bad for you as I know how difficult OLD is, I've been there. Just as a contrast, I met my partner when we were both in our late 30s and he couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends and family. It still took a while for us both a while to decide whether we wanted to commit, I think that's normal and healthy. I just don't think that not allowing to meet the main person in his life for 8 months is that normal or healthy, I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sorry OP I haven't read the whole thread, just your replies, so I don't know if anyone has suggested this. How about if you go back to being non exclusive again. You could keep your options open with this, frankly, quite luke-warm man. But also go on other casual dates. More like they do it in the States. Tell him obviously. Best wishes.

I think the big question is children. If this guy kept you hanging on that little bit too long and you missed the opportunity to become a mum, what would that mean to you? Would it be fine and you would be happy with him, or would you resent him for it?

Think about the maths. If you get introduced in 4 months, how long after that would you live together? And how long after that would you start TTC? If it’s a few years in total you could miss your window and/ or he could end up being 50 with a toddler.

You could get a private fertility assessment done so you at least know your options. At 35 I was told I was on my last eggs and had between a 4-10% chance of conceiving without IVF. I don’t want to frighten you, but if being a mum is more important than being with this man then you need to prioritise it. When I got my fertility news I went ahead immediately with IVF using donor sperm. Being a solo parent is tough but I made the right choice for me.

The word is crumbs. Not small steps forward.

He's throwing you enough crumbs to keep you happy, but nothing real.

This.
OP, you are wasting your time with him.
I understand that is difficult to hear but men like him run down your fertility.
When a man is interested and wants to have a future with you, you know.
He isn't going anywhere.

Very much this. @brightandbeautiful89 I think you need to be single until you can get the support you need to change your mindset. You said earlier something like 'I know my bar is low but it's the best I can get'. This is very, very sad. To be so desperately scared of being along that you'll accept scraps from this grown man who's never had a proper relationship and lives with his mum?

OP what's your friendship group like? If any of my friends were in this situation, we'd all be supporting her and letting her know that this is not acceptable.