Mine and bf's differing views on progression

[brightandbeautiful89]

Hi everyone, I could do with some gentle words of advice. I am feeling very fragile and can't speak to my friends about this - they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life.

I'm 35 and started dating my bf who is 40 8 months ago, we had the exclusivity talk 5 months ago although I don't think either of us had been seeing anyone else. We spend weekends and one weeknight together and have been on holiday together for 4 days.

He has a difficult home situation - his mum became disabled following an accident nearly two years ago. She has no use of her left leg/foot or left hand and has speech difficulties. When this happened, he rented out his house so he could move in with her to support her. This was meant to be a short term thing but has continued - he does not want it to be like this indefinitely and she is better than she was but he feels a lot of responsibility towards her - she is vulnerable and needs his help. I respect him a lot for this but it does take its toll on him. He has a sister who is entirely unsupportive and his parents are divorced so it all falls to him.

He has also never really had a serious relationship. He was with someone for 2 years in his twenties but then went travelling and since then had had short burst of 'seeing people' - 3-6 months but nothing longer than that. He says he does want to settle down but he is also ambivalent towards it and sees it as a big thing. He is very cautious in all areas of life.

I haven't met his friends - they are mostly single and don't appear to take an interest in his love life although they know about me. He is coming to a friend's party with me next month and is happy to socialise with my friends.

This weekend I asked if we might meet each other's families soon and he said 'all in good time' - I asked what he meant as I feel 8 months is reasonable to meet family and he said he has never introduced a girl to his mum and that he would do it once we'd been together for a year but probably not before because he knows she wants him to settle down and wouldn't want to get her hopes up if it didn't work out - he said he didn't think it wouldn't work out between us but that a relationship of a year feels more established. I didn't really understand this and he said he feels it would be a big step - this isn't the case for my family, I have introduced bfs to them pretty early. He said he'd be happy to meet them. I said he must know it's normal to introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to your parents and gave the example of his sister and her husband and he said she actually waited ages to introduce him to his mum and that he doesn't really know him - they don't seem to integrate too much. Is this just a different family dynamics thing?

I also touched on his fears of commitment. He said he is not afraid per se but it is a big thing for him - he worries about letting the other person down and does see it as quite 'final'. I said I was worried that we are not on the same page in terms of what we want out of life (I want a family and am 35 - I have expressed this to him) and he said that we are and that he does want to settle down and is coming around to the idea of it with me but that whilst 90% of my brain can be focused on the relationship and progression a lot of his brain is consumed with his mum.

I feel very torn. On one hand we are making progress and I can see that he is trying - we are spending more time together, he is being more verbally expressive, he shares what's going on for him emotionally re his mum, he brought flowers over at the weekend (the first time he has done this), we are having more sex (his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort). He is not future faking at least! When I am with him I have such a nice time - he makes me laugh, we have interesting conversations etc. But I worry it will go nowhere due to his mum's situation, his inexperience and his fears of commitment.

Equally, anyone who has been OLD around my age over the last couple of years will know how hopeless it is. I could end this and get with someone else who is even more of a commitment-phobe - many of the guys on the apps appear to be, at least in my experience and from anecdotes I have heard from others. Of course bf's mum will always have to be a priority and I accept that. Other guys this age could have kids who would be a priority so the grass isn't necessarily greener. I feel terrified I am wasting my time but I also don't want to end something that could have potential if I am patient (patience is not my strong point).

I imagine many of you will tell me to leave. It is easy to say when it's not your life though. At least if I stay with him I have a tiny bit of hope of it moving forward and becoming something. If I leave there are no guarantees I will find anyone who wants to commit - in all my years of dating and relationships I never have and I don't understand why as I consider myself a nice person and good girlfriend. I am deep into the panic years - if I was in my 20s I could enjoy the relationship for what it is but the pressure of the biological clock is basically ruining everything.

@RosesAndHelleboreshow do you enjoy all these things alone? The world is built for couples and families

@Jasnahmy ex did this - meeting friends and family quickly - but still didn’t commit. His friends are from childhood and seem to have kids with various different women. A lot of them seem to have drug problems. He bucks the trend in that respect

@Busybeemummthe saddest thing is that this is the most a boyfriend has ever been into me - prioritising spending time with me, not taking advantage of my generosity, being supportive about my work, having difficult conversations without getting defensive. I know these are basic but they feel nice when you haven’t had them

@Busybeemummthe saddest thing is that this is the most a boyfriend has ever been into me - prioritising spending time with me, not taking advantage of my generosity, being supportive about my work, having difficult conversations without getting defensive. I know these are basic but they feel nice when you haven’t had them

Asserting your own needs and boundaries is not the same as breaching his. No one is suggesting you force him to move quicker, all this is is one autonomous adult saying "this is what I want/ need" and if that other autonomous adult says "ok yes that works for me" then great, and if they say "sorry, I've made me position clear, I'm not budging" then plainly you're not compatible and that's the end of it. No one is coercing or forcing anyone.

But my point is, the right one will commit to you and there will be no question of that. We're not just talking introductions here, but an active move towards building a life with you where your lives are intertwined.

Your current partner is being vague. He's shutting you out from important parts of his world, preventing you from seeing him in different situations, stopping you from getting to know him fully. That's not the behaviour of someone who truly sees a future with you.

I don't believe the world is built for couples and families. I know many women who have spent decades on their own after leaving unhappy marriages. You have to make your own life and make the best of the life you have.

You need therapy to unlearn the crap you have picked up about relationships. If this relationship with this man is the best you’ve ever had I feel sorry for you. It shows how pathetically low your relationship bar is for men to take advantage of. And they indeed have. Who taught you that women have to be nice and or that your needs do not matter?.

One weeknight and one Saturday are the only days you see this man. And what happens to you if he decides to take his mother to the podiatrist or shops on Saturday?. You get sidelined.

Yes! I see what you mean. I feel like two years is only one year away because then you would need to be actively trying to become pregnant to get a baby in the next 2 yrs. Very difficult to know if he would come good. He is supporting his mother well which shows he is family minded.

What stands out to me is you're saying he's 'coming around to the idea' of a committed future with you - this is so depressing! At 35, you don't have years to mess about and need him to be on the same page as you - it doesn't sound like he is.

Would you want a future with him if it means not having children?

Would you be prepared to be doing the majority of childcare because he has caring commitments for his mum?

My worry would be that he is happy to let things drift along as they are - possibly for years. I think you have to have a cut off point in your mind so that if the relationship hasn't moved to a living together/ planning having a family situation in say 18 months, you have to be honest with yourself that he doesn't want the same things you do.

Just because you are understanding of his mums disability doesn’t mean she feels the same way about being introduced to / meeting new people. That’s a boundary line you need to accept - especially given the cause the mental recovery can be as hard or harder than the physical.
The crux line is the timeline on having kids as you can’t negotiate with nature - if he can’t commit on that then it’s not meant to be

I don’t think I could accept the idea that he is ‘coming round’ to me after eight months. That sounds half hearted.

This is my advice. Tell him you want to meet his mother now. It’s a dealbreaker for you. If he agrees, he’s acknowledging you are important to him and he is prepared to flex. When you actually meet her, you would be able to see how healthy their relationship is.

If he refuses, I think you have your answer. He isn’t prepared to take your feelings into account and he doesn’t feel he is serious about you.

I know it's hard to accept but he WILL keep dangling the carrot.

He knows he's onto a good thing and doesn't want to lose you, so this is down to YOU.

Look at his friends and that alone will show you the type of person he is, and that's minor to everything else you have described about him.

Please do not believe that 'nice men with principals' do not waste women's biological clocks. THEY DO!

There is someone out there for you, but it is definitely isn't him. Listen to your gut and believe it.

@brightandbeautiful89 what if this man is not for you. What if you do end up single forever? Are you going to give up on life? You’re being foolish clinging on to the hope that it’s a man or nothing.Especially this man.

You asked where are all these groups, you were provided with a list by @RosesAndHellebores then poo poo then?

No one person is the answer

This is him, and you and a whole army won’t change that.

Arguably, based on how you describe him, it’s you that should be resisting him, and not the other way round, but you’re not are you!?

Well if you've had the come to Jesus conversation, with timescales, there's nothing else you can do. By continuing in the relationship you have accepted his view.

@VaddaABeetchi know this sounds ridiculous but I do think I’d rather give up on life than do it alone. This is no judgment on people who do life alone, just how I feel about my own life.

@AndOnAndOn1000if he knows he’s onto a good thing then why won’t he commit? I don’t get it

@VaddaABeetchi know this sounds ridiculous but I do think I’d rather give up on life than do it alone. This is no judgment on people who do life alone, just how I feel about my own life.

@AndOnAndOn1000if he knows he’s onto a good thing then why won’t he commit? I don’t get it

@VaddaABeetchi know this sounds ridiculous but I do think I’d rather give up on life than do it alone. This is no judgment on people who do life alone, just how I feel about my own life.

@AndOnAndOn1000if he knows he’s onto a good thing then why won’t he commit? I don’t get it

@VaddaABeetchi know this sounds ridiculous but I do think I’d rather give up on life than do it alone. This is no judgment on people who do life alone, just how I feel about my own life.

@AndOnAndOn1000if he knows he’s onto a good thing then why won’t he commit? I don’t get it

his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort.

"Made a big effort"? To have sex with you? 8 months in?!

Oh no, no, no.....

Sorry about whatever is going on with his mum (massively sceptical about that whole thing but that's another story) but you're already on completely different pages and not even a year in.

Seriously, don't bother with this one @brightandbeautiful89 .

@brightandbeautiful89
It's the 10 million dollar question, and it's simply because they can't and they won't ever breakdown their resistance for anyone.

He's been on this earth for 40 years and he will have consciously and subconsciously made up his mind from what he has observed and experienced throughout his life.

He is not unique and it is very important to listen to what he is really saying and not go on a crusade to be forever proving yourself to him to penetrate his wall. It's utterly miserable and will get you nowhere.

I really believe that you need to work on your own self esteem and confidence before you enter any relationship.

The relationship you have with yourself is more important than one with any man.

Make your expectations clear and be prepared to walk away if not met.

@Starlight1984what I mean is that we used to have sex once a week, now it is 3-4 times

@AndOnAndOn1000yes good point. He has no role models of successful relationships within his family

@Busybeemummi think I will have a conversation about my expectations and see if there is any flex on the meeting mum situation. I have never walked away from a relationship, I always stay til the bitter end. I need to find some strength. I don’t know why I am so difficult to commit to. I am a good girlfriend!

He's wasting your time, whether it's deliberately or accidentally. I think you need to move on ASAP if you want children, as most likely he's going to faff and procrastinate until you are out of time

You need to decide if having children is more important for you than having a husband, because you can go it alone as a single parent.

I'm one, not entirely by choice, and I find my life fulfilling, I have a nearly grown DS who I have a great relationship with, and I have some good friends. Yes it can be lonely sometimes, but if I wanted to I know I could do more to meet new people, say volunteering or going on holidays for groups of singles.

As it is I take the dog for walks twice a day and pass the time of day with other dog walkers or neighbours.

It does sound sad that you can't see a life for yourself as a single woman, especially as you haven't had great relationships with men - I think it's far better to be single than to settle. My aunt was a lovely woman who married a bully of a man, so even as a child I wondered why a woman would choose to stay with a man who just wasn't good enough for her.

Your current relationship sounds like such hard work, he's old enough to understand that you have time pressure to have kids, and he's being selfish, putting imaginary barriers in place

He's decided that you can't meet his mum till you've been together for 12 months, it's just something he made up, it's not a rule, even if it's what his sister did. He's not prioritising your feelings, the current set up suits him, so why would he change.

If you want marriage and kids woth him, I think you need to ask him to marry you, either he says yes, or he puts you out of your misery.

And if it's no, you need to seriously think about whether it's a partner or kids which are your priority, as waiting for the partner may end up with it being too late for kids.