Mine and bf's differing views on progression

[brightandbeautiful89]

Hi everyone, I could do with some gentle words of advice. I am feeling very fragile and can't speak to my friends about this - they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life.

I'm 35 and started dating my bf who is 40 8 months ago, we had the exclusivity talk 5 months ago although I don't think either of us had been seeing anyone else. We spend weekends and one weeknight together and have been on holiday together for 4 days.

He has a difficult home situation - his mum became disabled following an accident nearly two years ago. She has no use of her left leg/foot or left hand and has speech difficulties. When this happened, he rented out his house so he could move in with her to support her. This was meant to be a short term thing but has continued - he does not want it to be like this indefinitely and she is better than she was but he feels a lot of responsibility towards her - she is vulnerable and needs his help. I respect him a lot for this but it does take its toll on him. He has a sister who is entirely unsupportive and his parents are divorced so it all falls to him.

He has also never really had a serious relationship. He was with someone for 2 years in his twenties but then went travelling and since then had had short burst of 'seeing people' - 3-6 months but nothing longer than that. He says he does want to settle down but he is also ambivalent towards it and sees it as a big thing. He is very cautious in all areas of life.

I haven't met his friends - they are mostly single and don't appear to take an interest in his love life although they know about me. He is coming to a friend's party with me next month and is happy to socialise with my friends.

This weekend I asked if we might meet each other's families soon and he said 'all in good time' - I asked what he meant as I feel 8 months is reasonable to meet family and he said he has never introduced a girl to his mum and that he would do it once we'd been together for a year but probably not before because he knows she wants him to settle down and wouldn't want to get her hopes up if it didn't work out - he said he didn't think it wouldn't work out between us but that a relationship of a year feels more established. I didn't really understand this and he said he feels it would be a big step - this isn't the case for my family, I have introduced bfs to them pretty early. He said he'd be happy to meet them. I said he must know it's normal to introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to your parents and gave the example of his sister and her husband and he said she actually waited ages to introduce him to his mum and that he doesn't really know him - they don't seem to integrate too much. Is this just a different family dynamics thing?

I also touched on his fears of commitment. He said he is not afraid per se but it is a big thing for him - he worries about letting the other person down and does see it as quite 'final'. I said I was worried that we are not on the same page in terms of what we want out of life (I want a family and am 35 - I have expressed this to him) and he said that we are and that he does want to settle down and is coming around to the idea of it with me but that whilst 90% of my brain can be focused on the relationship and progression a lot of his brain is consumed with his mum.

I feel very torn. On one hand we are making progress and I can see that he is trying - we are spending more time together, he is being more verbally expressive, he shares what's going on for him emotionally re his mum, he brought flowers over at the weekend (the first time he has done this), we are having more sex (his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort). He is not future faking at least! When I am with him I have such a nice time - he makes me laugh, we have interesting conversations etc. But I worry it will go nowhere due to his mum's situation, his inexperience and his fears of commitment.

Equally, anyone who has been OLD around my age over the last couple of years will know how hopeless it is. I could end this and get with someone else who is even more of a commitment-phobe - many of the guys on the apps appear to be, at least in my experience and from anecdotes I have heard from others. Of course bf's mum will always have to be a priority and I accept that. Other guys this age could have kids who would be a priority so the grass isn't necessarily greener. I feel terrified I am wasting my time but I also don't want to end something that could have potential if I am patient (patience is not my strong point).

I imagine many of you will tell me to leave. It is easy to say when it's not your life though. At least if I stay with him I have a tiny bit of hope of it moving forward and becoming something. If I leave there are no guarantees I will find anyone who wants to commit - in all my years of dating and relationships I never have and I don't understand why as I consider myself a nice person and good girlfriend. I am deep into the panic years - if I was in my 20s I could enjoy the relationship for what it is but the pressure of the biological clock is basically ruining everything.

Throw this one back and join Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook. That should ensure you weed out unsuitable men right from the start.

Your 35 and you want a family. You have been honest with this man. He has plenty of excuses for you. He is 40 years of age and has barely introduced you his friends. He won't let you meet his mother until your together for a year. He is caring for his mother and he sees you on a Wed and at the weekends. If his mother needs to go somewhere on a Saturday your left at home.

The reality is that his mother is not suddenly going to get better. Being honest when parents get older or need more care it normally that there adult kids either all help out, they organise careers or the person goes into a nursing home.

If he wanted marriage and a family you would be meeting his mother and family. He would be sorting out care for his mother and not fobbing you off.
I would tell him at this stage that you have realised that he does not want marriage or a family and unfortunately you don't have time to wait for him to move things on.

At 35 I would not waste anymore time on him. I would work on going places and doing things to meet another man. See if you can join a paid for dating agency and be honest that you want marriage and family.

Work on building up your own life and friendships so if you don't meet a man and have a family you can still have a good life.

You aren't compatible and you want completely different things. You clearly want to settle down with someone and have children. He very, very clearly doesn't. You would be mad to continue this relationship.

Neither of you is wrong, but you are not going to make each other happy and you have completely different relationship goals. It's not working now and it won't work in the future.

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t normally get involved in this kind of thread but I have to say something here.

Hos mother’s situation has affected his sex drive? Nonsense.

He only just the other week brought you flowers for the first time? What does he normally contribute when he is at yours in the week and at weekends?

You sound LOVELY. Any man should be delighted to have you and bursting with pride to introduce you to his mum.

I have a very strong feeling that this is going nowhere. I honestly think you should cut your losses here. This situation is not going to improve. The lack of a long-term relationship is a red flag for me also.

@EmuFaceyes, his situation has made him depressed. That and preoccupation with his mum has had an affect on his sex drive

he pays for dinner when we go out at the weekends, drives, pays for parking etc

i am LOVELY! Can’t understand why no one has ever wanted me 😞

lack of long term relationship was a concern for me too. He just says he hadn’t met the right person. This is the longest relationship he’s had in ten years

@brightandbeautiful89 honestly to me, he seems as though he’s doing enough to keep you in his life - after all it’s is fun and comforting to have a partner. However, I don’t think you’re the one in his eyes. To me, the fact that after 8 months he doesn’t want you to meet his mum who by the sounds of it isn’t getting out all that much and so possibly may enjoy the added company of meeting you - it must be because he’s not sure whether he does want to be with you.

In my experience if a man really wants you, he will make it very clear and quickly ‘steer’ you into his world. He will take pride in showing you off and letting you know he’s proud of you also.

I’d give this relationship a few more months to see it into a full year and if I still found myself begging for things that should have happened by now, I’d be on my way.

Also, I’m sorry you feel the way you do about life as a single person, I’ve been single most of my life but the positive is I’ve reached heights in my career and own an (almost mortgage free) beautiful house in a desirable area that in my 30s I used to rent in and never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever afford to live here - and certainly not alone. I think much of this is because I have pulled myself out of some pretty awful relationships but only because I wasn’t scared and finding a partner was a ‘nice to have’ not ‘critical’ to me even wanting to live. Then and now, I always prioritise myself and my career not wasting it chasing infantile men. Absolutely I’d love to have another partner but always on my own terms, meaning he has to be decent and reflect the same respect I give to him and given how ridiculously hard those basic qualities are to find in many men - I couldn’t hang around pining or deliberately set a low bar. You’re not doing yourself any favours here. Please just try to live your own beautiful unique life because who knows what’s in the rest of it yet? 💐

Ok, well I am slightly mollified by the paying for dinner and driving, parking etc update. Maybe set a time limit in your head. Give it until the end of the year. See what Christmas is like. Then make your decision. It will also be interesting to see what vibe your friends get.

OP I feel for you but I think you know deep down this relationship isn't going to progress. It just isn't. For as long as you're with him the door is closed to you meeting someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

It's very hard I know, to take the risk of being alone again. But I think you have to do it. Trust that you WILL meet someone perfect for you. You will almost certainly be back here in a year's time so resentful of him if you don't.

always stay til the bitter end.
I do think that you have to believe in yourself first and know that you deserve more.

Men are attracted to confidence and a sense that you will happily walk away if there is no commitment. Maybe this one has sensed that you will not walk no matter what and therefore is taking his sweet time. You sound lovely however he knows the ball is in his court and doesn't have any urgency then to commit.

@LittlleMyi keep giving it a few more week/a couple more months and I see small amounts of progress so I stay. And I do genuinely enjoy being with him and would really miss him if we were to break up.

he lacks confidence around relationships and sees himself as a failure in that way. With his mum’s life being so bad as it is he seems to fear getting her hopes up that he might be on his way to settling down in case he messes up.

this is the longest relationship he has had in 10 years. Previously when he decided others weren’t The One he ended things within a few months. Im not saying that I am The One nor do I really know that he is The One for me - I am just more ready to give it a try I suppose. But the fact that he is still here maybe suggests he sees potential? I can’t see him hanging around for much longer if I keep going on about this though, which I will have to

@EmuFaceyes and he brought me flowers for no reason at the weekend. He does seem to try, he is just so limited. I did wonder if I should wait til Christmas which is more of a family time and see if anything changes then.

@moondunesome people don’t meet someone who is perfect for them though. At least now I have someone whose company I enjoy, who is nice to me etc. I really fear cutting it off prematurely when I have seen small signs of progress that maybe could have got bigger if I’d allowed more time. But also the longer I stay the harder it will be to leave

@Busybeemummis an ultimatum the way to go then? Or just pulling back? How do I get the ball in my court?

And why do men only see me as someone to hang out with and not to commit to?

And why do men only see me as someone to hang out with and not to commit to?

And why do men only see me as someone to hang out with and not to commit to?

I think you’re being really naive here OP in believing the reason you haven’t met his mum is to avoid “getting her hopes up” yet also believing she knows about you & all the time you spend together. Those two things are not both true.

It's up to you whether you’d rather try to have a child, or are happy to just have a relationship hidden to one side. That’s all you have with this person sadly, a person who is proud of you doesn’t hide you away like a dirty little secret, and someone who hides you away definitely is not thinking of a life and family with you.

Why don’t men like this just go and find a girl who wants something casual/non long term rather than a wasting my time? they could have the sex and companionship without the pressure I am putting on

OP , you keep saying ‘I am a good girlfriend’ and asking why won’t men commit. Maybe you are too good ie a people pleaser. Maybe you needed to toughen up a bit and demand what you want. If you constantly accept every little crumb that is thrown to you, people won’t value you. Personally I think the buying flowers, driving, sometimes paying are a basic in a relationship.

You are worth a solid, committed relationship where he is proud and excited to integrate you into his life. If you value yourself more, people tend to value you too.

Because they don’t need to think about the impact on you, it doesn’t impact them.

He might really like your company, the sex, the chat, you’re really not putting any pressure on him clearly because he’s still living with his mum, hasn’t made any actual changes, still gets you when he wants you but hasn’t had to actually do anything to get that. You say you’re putting all of this pressure on and yet you’re still no further forward and he is getting all the bits he wants without having to do anything he doesn’t want to do- why would he change that? He’s happy how things are. It’s you that wants more. He probably thinks, as most of us do here, that if you were serious about a baby you’d read his actions rather than words and leave yourself, he only has another few years really to run the clock down and then that’s off the table anyway. It’s up to you whether you let him take your last fertile years OP.

To be fair 8 months is still very early in a relationship. I would keep having these chats with him, it's good you are having them, and see where you are at a 1 year mark. If no progress you can walk away then.

Some men have a radar for women who will never leave them and stick with them until they find Mrs Right then marry and have babies super quickly with them. You fit some of his criteria and as he knows you want marriage and babies, he uses that as a carrot to keep you hooked. I’m sure that you’re a terrific gf but you are clearly not right for him if he’s not showing you off to the world.

I think that your mental deadline should be no later than Christmas. It’s the perfect time to socialise and it meets his criteria of one year.

I think he’s going to be one of those guys who have to be dragged through each milestone like moving in and that you’ll either run out of time or lose your shit with feeling like you’re forcing him to move faster. You’ll be constantly waiting for him to meet milestones like proposing and feeling insecure about whether or not it’s going to happen.

I understand that OLD is full of frogs but if you stick with this man, you’ll end up childless or without the number of kids that you would like. Staying with him is accepting that he’ll be a part-time dad at best and there will be a high likelihood that you’ll have to skip the wedding so that you can fit a couple of kids before you’re too old.

@honeypancakethank you, I kind of agree and he definitely does - I feel we are still getting to know each other. Moving in right now wouldn’t feel right for me but I would like to know it would be on the cards in the next year or so. I think I will give some space for now and bring it up again periodically. He probably needs to get his head around it all too and digest what I am saying.

@Snorlaxowhat should be deadline be at Xmas? Meeting his mum? Moving in? I agree that it should be a deadline for something but I’m not sure what!

@honeypancakethank you, I kind of agree and he definitely does - I feel we are still getting to know each other. Moving in right now wouldn’t feel right for me but I would like to know it would be on the cards in the next year or so. I think I will give some space for now and bring it up again periodically. He probably needs to get his head around it all too and digest what I am saying.

@Snorlaxowhat should be deadline be at Xmas? Meeting his mum? Moving in? I agree that it should be a deadline for something but I’m not sure what!

To get the ball in your court you have to give confidence vibes. Ie if you don't commit then another man will. You have to believe it yourself first though. He has to feel like the luckiest man alive that he is with you and can't wait for his mum to meet you. He isn't giving you any of these things because he doesn't really think you are The One for him and isn't that into you.

Set your standards with higher expectations for yourself. Don't risk your fertility any longer than you already have. In these scenarios a clear time line is needed and if not met, then you simply part ways. You really shouldn't have to give ultimatums to someone who supposedly wants to be with you.

@Busybeemummyes but how do I do this in practice? He apologised for being rubbish when he left the other night and I said ‘it’s ok as long as you’re working on it’ - what else can I do?

It really sounds like you are settling here and making excuses for him. I don’t think this guy is going to give you marriage or kids any time soon as his own life is too chaotic. I wouldn’t wait 8 months to meet a boyfriend’s family at 35 if they lived in the same city, that’s a massive red flag. He’s 40, he can definitely explain to his mum if the relationship fails so it just sounds like a lame excuse. Also not great that his friends aren’t settled, not saying there’s anything wrong with being single at 40 but if they are all like that he won’t be incentivised to settle down either. I would say you want to meet his mum in the next two months, move in together after dating 1 year and would be looking at getting engaged within 2 years if all is going well and see how he feels about that. If no progress in a few months you have your answer. I met my DH when I was 38 and married at 40, kids at 42 and 44 if that gives you any hope/courage to ditch him! When guys are sure of what they want and sure of the relationship, they will move fast.