Mine and bf's differing views on progression

[brightandbeautiful89]

Hi everyone, I could do with some gentle words of advice. I am feeling very fragile and can't speak to my friends about this - they are all settled down and I am embarrassed that I continue to have relationship problems; it's the story of my adult life.

I'm 35 and started dating my bf who is 40 8 months ago, we had the exclusivity talk 5 months ago although I don't think either of us had been seeing anyone else. We spend weekends and one weeknight together and have been on holiday together for 4 days.

He has a difficult home situation - his mum became disabled following an accident nearly two years ago. She has no use of her left leg/foot or left hand and has speech difficulties. When this happened, he rented out his house so he could move in with her to support her. This was meant to be a short term thing but has continued - he does not want it to be like this indefinitely and she is better than she was but he feels a lot of responsibility towards her - she is vulnerable and needs his help. I respect him a lot for this but it does take its toll on him. He has a sister who is entirely unsupportive and his parents are divorced so it all falls to him.

He has also never really had a serious relationship. He was with someone for 2 years in his twenties but then went travelling and since then had had short burst of 'seeing people' - 3-6 months but nothing longer than that. He says he does want to settle down but he is also ambivalent towards it and sees it as a big thing. He is very cautious in all areas of life.

I haven't met his friends - they are mostly single and don't appear to take an interest in his love life although they know about me. He is coming to a friend's party with me next month and is happy to socialise with my friends.

This weekend I asked if we might meet each other's families soon and he said 'all in good time' - I asked what he meant as I feel 8 months is reasonable to meet family and he said he has never introduced a girl to his mum and that he would do it once we'd been together for a year but probably not before because he knows she wants him to settle down and wouldn't want to get her hopes up if it didn't work out - he said he didn't think it wouldn't work out between us but that a relationship of a year feels more established. I didn't really understand this and he said he feels it would be a big step - this isn't the case for my family, I have introduced bfs to them pretty early. He said he'd be happy to meet them. I said he must know it's normal to introduce your girlfriend/boyfriend to your parents and gave the example of his sister and her husband and he said she actually waited ages to introduce him to his mum and that he doesn't really know him - they don't seem to integrate too much. Is this just a different family dynamics thing?

I also touched on his fears of commitment. He said he is not afraid per se but it is a big thing for him - he worries about letting the other person down and does see it as quite 'final'. I said I was worried that we are not on the same page in terms of what we want out of life (I want a family and am 35 - I have expressed this to him) and he said that we are and that he does want to settle down and is coming around to the idea of it with me but that whilst 90% of my brain can be focused on the relationship and progression a lot of his brain is consumed with his mum.

I feel very torn. On one hand we are making progress and I can see that he is trying - we are spending more time together, he is being more verbally expressive, he shares what's going on for him emotionally re his mum, he brought flowers over at the weekend (the first time he has done this), we are having more sex (his sex drive has been low at times because of his preoccupation with his mum but since I mentioned I have a higher sex drive he has made a big effort). He is not future faking at least! When I am with him I have such a nice time - he makes me laugh, we have interesting conversations etc. But I worry it will go nowhere due to his mum's situation, his inexperience and his fears of commitment.

Equally, anyone who has been OLD around my age over the last couple of years will know how hopeless it is. I could end this and get with someone else who is even more of a commitment-phobe - many of the guys on the apps appear to be, at least in my experience and from anecdotes I have heard from others. Of course bf's mum will always have to be a priority and I accept that. Other guys this age could have kids who would be a priority so the grass isn't necessarily greener. I feel terrified I am wasting my time but I also don't want to end something that could have potential if I am patient (patience is not my strong point).

I imagine many of you will tell me to leave. It is easy to say when it's not your life though. At least if I stay with him I have a tiny bit of hope of it moving forward and becoming something. If I leave there are no guarantees I will find anyone who wants to commit - in all my years of dating and relationships I never have and I don't understand why as I consider myself a nice person and good girlfriend. I am deep into the panic years - if I was in my 20s I could enjoy the relationship for what it is but the pressure of the biological clock is basically ruining everything.

Oh my gosh stop thinking about how he feels and what he wants OP

THIS.

My partner was committed to looking after his Mum, who had a stroke. It lasted for 13 years, before she passed away, getting worse steadily He was an amazing son, and ended up being a care manager, as none of the care services were organised
or comprehensive enough to coordinate themselves to deliver adequate services. He didn’t expect me to do much, though I helped out and was fond of his mum. But he was permanently stressed out / borderline depressed at a low level and had no time or emotional energy for me. As it happens I didn’t mind too much because I was older, had a career and really busy job, used to being very independent, and spending time alone, and we were agreed about not wanting kids. But if I’d been younger and intending to have kids, I think I would need to have left him or risked ‘losing’ my own life. We never went on holiday together and he was always cancelling social dates at the last minute. Regardless of whether you’re introduced to her earlier or late, his Mum’s health is not going to get better, I’m guessing.
Please make sure you protect your own
life choices

I think you're living in hope, I think he likes what he's got and is saying just enough so you don't leave. I can see future you ending up very regretful unless you prefer life with him minus family because at some point the odds of natural pregnancy will obviously decline. I feel personally the previous 3-6 month relationships are probably when the woman gives up on his promises and you've lasted a little longer.
Good luck though 🤞

Men are on dating apps for a reason - Never any good ones.

Women are on there out of desperation.

Treat yourself with more respect.

Relationships should not be this hard. An honest man will move mountains for you, instead of placing them in your way to climb over. Of course, it's never easy to just leave a good leg-over. He sounds like a cocklodger. His Mum, is also baggage.

Get your friends to set you up with someone.

Met my husband at a friend's birthday, at the pub, twenty years ago, at midnight. Been together ever since. No, I'm not lucky. You can indeed find your own soul mate, in the flesh, not on an app.

You can find them on an app, too, but it takes ruthless weeding out of all the losers and takers on there. I wrote a post elsewhere on how I've approached it to find what appears to be my one, and my surprise at how easily and fast everything moved, because I, too, was used to avoidant commitment phobes.

But I don't think the OP is quite ready to let go of that man yet, partially out of fear of being alone - a fear she will need to overcome before she can even begin thinking about finding someone suitable for her.

I was my father’s caregiver for 21 years. He had an accident when I was 18, and I spent my entire young adulthood taking care of him. I loved my father dearly, but it destroyed me to be his caregiver, physically and mentally. I was never able to get married and have a family. I’m 43 now. I still haven’t recovered. That part of my life is unavailable forever - it’s too late for me to have kids, etc. now.

I’m sorry to say that it sounds to me like your boyfriend is doomed to be his mother’s caregiver until she dies. She’s not going to ever get better “enough” for him to move out. Either he will feel she isn’t healthy enough for him to move out or she will not want him to leave and will (sorry to say) engineer it so she is just too helpless without him. There’s no other family willing to care for her, as you’ve said - why would she want this convenient live-in servant to leave? She’ll have jars she needs opened. I’ve seen his situation over and over, and it always ends the same way: by NOT ending until the disabled parent dies.

If you’re okay with always being second fiddle and with knowing he’ll have to leave a date with you at any time to open a jar for her if her carers aren’t there, then stay with him.

I’m sorry to say it, but it doesn’t matter how much you love him or how much he loves you. He’s crushed under the weight of familial caregiver duty. It’s a near-impossible burden to escape.

Have you ever thought that he's telling you that he's on the same page because he HOPES he gets there ? He is giving you the year mark as he's scared. If all his other relationships end about 3 to 6 month mark then there's something wrong with him. I don't think you will act on the advice here on MN. You're hoping someone agrees with you to give you confidence to stay. I would get to the year mark and if you're not meeting his mum or family or friends then there's bunting made of red flags for you to acknowledge.

@LakotaWolfthat’s not necessarily true - he has come to spend the night with me and left her on evenings when she has been upset or where he has been worried about her eg when she got a new bed. I don’t always play second fiddle but I do know what you’re saying. She’s not helpless nor does she pretend she is, he just worries about her

@LakotaWolfthat’s not necessarily true - he has come to spend the night with me and left her on evenings when she has been upset or where he has been worried about her eg when she got a new bed. I don’t always play second fiddle but I do know what you’re saying. She’s not helpless nor does she pretend she is, he just worries about her

Do you really want to be with someone eho might 'be coming round' to the idea of a future with you?

She will always be his top priority. This could go on for years, while you throw away your chances of finding someone to settle down with happily, and potentially have a family.

How long do you want to wait.

Look at what he's saying logistically.. You've been together for 8 months.. but he says... No you have to wait four months more to meet my mother.

His reason is that he doesn't want to go through the bother of introducing you to his mother in case the relationship fails, (although he's careful to say he's sure it wont)... So eight months, he can't tell, in four more months he will know and you can meet his mother.

What on earth difference does four months make? Why can't you meet any of his other friends?

You squeeze in nicely around his work and his caring commitments.

From what you said, this is the longest relationship he's ever had.

I can understand you wanting to leave the convo for a while... but its because you are worried that he's found, what many would consider to be relatively simple questions/issues, too intense and you are worried, presumably, that more of this talk might scare him off...

So he's avoiding talking about something that is really troubling you.

things seem to be going all his way at the moment. But from what you've said this relationship is not offering you what you want/need at this stage in your life.. and from what you've said it is just not a certain bet that it will.

Meeting his mum, he could say.. "This is a really new relationship, we are still getting to know each other and I don't know where its going yet Mum, so don't go overboard about it please". and you could meet her for coffee for half an hour. Why would that be so difficult for him. Unless she is an unreasonable, annoying woman.. has he said that she is?

Once introduced, How long would it take him to consider living together/marriage/children. I'm guessing he would want a long lets be certain period between each of these stages. At 40 he ought to know his own mind and what he himself wants/expects from life. Why can't he talk about that? Why is it a closely guarded secret?.. if not now.. does he ever see that happening?

I mean really, he should be trying to sound YOU out to see what you want going forward.. Do you want to stick around? Where do you see the relationship going? What are your dreams for the future? Do you see him in it? If he saw this as something he'd like to be permanent that's what he'd be asking you?
If these things are not something he raises then that should tell you something.

And dont forget he was commitment avoidant before his mother needed help.

This man is telling you very very clearly he is not committed to you. At 40 and 35.years old after several months.

The quicker you set your bar at what you actually want op the quicker you will find it

This is honestly depressing reading. Crumbs off the table of a commitment phobe

Oh op it makes me so sad that you want advice on when you can have an open conversation with uour potential life partner

Im telling you now. If you cant bring up whatever the fuck you want to in conversation whenever you want. This is not the man for you.

You should not be scared of walking away. He is welcome to chase you and offer you actual commitment isn't he ?

He sounds so unappealing. Hiding behind his mother !!.Jesus's. He could have brought you in for tea with her anytime.

You are begging for scraps from a man you dont have good communication with. Marriage and life long relationships are bult mostly on good communication..not fear anxiety and thinking maybe younshould settle for a clear commitment phone

All this talk of it being a final deal.

If he loved you that would be the prime factor not his views on how scary commitment is

I suspect you dont love him either. You are just scared of being alone.

I find it quite refreshing he's not leaving all the caring work to his sister. You often hear about men who have sisters never bothering with their mum. Really hope that I manage to raise mine to think my girl doesn't have to do care work any more than my boy, but we'll have to see whether that happens in a society that still prejudges men who work with children, and says girls/women are supposed to be the hub of the family. I'd say you really do need to meet them, though, and talk for definite about what you both want. If his mum isn't welcoming, that could be more of an issue-not blaming him for his mum if that's the case, but he really would need to decide what he wants if she's like that.

I think what he has said is fair enough. He’s given you a clear answer and he’s explained why. This, for him, is still a long relationship and I understand how he feels. If I were you, I’d give it the full year and if you are meeting the parents, great. If at that point he’s making excuses and putting it off, you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Enjoy the next four months and have a conversation after that.

Did everyone miss the part where I asked for ‘gentle’ advice? This is Relationships, not AIBU

@BananaBananasat 8 months is it reasonable to expect more than that? We are still getting to know each other in many ways. I’m not sure I’m even ready for moving in yet, I would just like to know it is in our future. And yes his mum will always be a priority but men my age are likely to have ageing parents/kids who are their priority so the grass isn’t always greener

@DuckbilledSplatterPufffor whatever reason meeting his mum is high stakes for him and a year is more of an established relationship than an 8 month one. It is only in the last couple of months that it has felt like a proper relationship and not just dating I think. He does talk about what he wants from life and asked me if I want kids early on, he just doesn’t seem to think about the logistics of it. He may have been commitment avoidant before his mum’s accident but he was on the apps for a long time, and paying for them. I asked why he hadn’t settled down before and he said he had never met the right person or things would last a few months and he would fear hurting them so he’d end it - he appears to lack confidence in his competence as a boyfriend and has said a few things alluding to this to me

i am not making excuses, just trying to answer questions

Am I reading this one sided rom com right? He has shown you pictures of a random older lady in a wheelchair stating how ill she is and you think this woman knows you because he has 'told' you he has shown said woman photo's of your holidays? I hate to say it, but wake up, give your head a berocca, and your back a spine. This is a married man

This is so sad to read OP, please leave him. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who's mad about you, who wants nothing more than to be with you. He doesn't care at all, it sounds so hard, he's 'coming round' sounds like a child that needs to be persuaded to do something, it's not how you want to be talking about a potential life partner, you can do so much better xx

This, exactly. An awful way to talk about being with someone, I wouldn't accept this st all. If someone is coming round to the idea of being with me they can f off, I'm not a wallpaper choice they're not mad on that they have to come round to.

Think better of yourself and for yourself!!

Been in this situation, very very similar circumstances. I had come out of a 19 year relationship and he (a few years younger) was basically a manchild. I also had to insist on meeting his mother after around 6 months. He was so immature. It would never have worked

Hmmm, I don’t agree with a lot of PP, OP.

I actually think 8 months is way too soon to meet the parents. That would be a big step for me too and I’d want the relationship to be way more established. You say yourself that you’re still getting to know each other.

So I don’t see any issues with that per se. I think the ticking of your biological clock is pushing you to rush things.

I do agree there’s a concern that he’ll never feel able to fully leave his mum to enter into a full life with you. Maybe that’s the conversation you need to have. Ask him how he thinks that would be feasible bearing in mind how much he worries about her. What would have to change to enable him to do that? I think this is the key issue, not the lack of meeting family.

How often does he meet his friends? Do they ever go out as a mixed group or does he only tend to mingle with his mates, not their girlfriends too?

His previous lack of commitment is a concern and he may suddenly get cold feet after you’ve been patiently waiting. But he might not. Only you know if you like him enough to take that chance.

a small part of me agrees that I should leave.

Please encourage this part of you to grow big - big and strong…..
He is not ‘the one’.
He does not love you. He does not want to build a life with you.

And neither do you, if are honest with yourself.
Don’t let yourself get panicked into ‘making do’ - because it is unlikely to end well.