Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

Jeezo. I really don’t say it often but this is a LTB if ever there was one. I’ve been in a similar situation as the much higher earner, and I’m raging for you! Seriously, you would be so much better off without this millstone. Get the co-parenting sorted and crack in with a better life.

My friend's partner stopped work and has never gone back. She's working and now caring for him as he does nothing. She was daft and married him too, so she's now trapped.

My DH to all intents and purposes kept me for years but I set up a business and did all the stuff at home, whilst he worked. He was happy with the arrangement but I defo didn't take the piss and now the business keeps him too.

However, this situation sounds unworkable, as he'll annoy the nanny lurking and will actively make more work for everyone else. No plan either?

I would chuck this utter loser out. You will come to despise him if you don't already.
I chucked a similar loser out after 20 years and how I wish I had done it much much sooner. I very much doubt he will want 50/50 child care, he's much too lazy and selfish.

Exactly, he's a selfish knob.

No he isn't. OP has a nanny to look after DC. Did you rtft?

well not to their face. But I would think that women who have a nanny, do bare minimum at home and hand it all over the second their working partner walks in, are not pulling their weight.

I'd tell him to move out. He's going to be a ongoing drain on your income and mental health. I'd be permanently in a rage with him if he stayed.

A man is always labelled a freeloader in this situation. If the roles were reversed and Op was a man and the partner a woman, he would be told that they are a partnership, it is household money and not his and it’s his duty to support his wife. Why is is any different when the sexes are reversed?

Because he’s not taking on the household load which stay at her mother’s typically, not always i’ll Grant you do.

Equally, she has just grown a human being
He has not
There is no justification for him needing a rest under these circumstances.
Especially not if she doesn’t get one too

Separate now and speak to a solicitor (you can review that decision later if you want). I would get it documented prior to him stopping work that you absolutely do not support this; that you aren't prepared to be the sole provider and that you are your child's main carer.

My worry would be that after three months he wont go back to work and will use the time he is at home to argue he is the main carer and you will end up trapped with him because you dont want to lose the amount of time you spend with your child .

Although you say he is a good father if he won’t look after his child whilst off work without clock watching that is not being a good father
Is being a good father playing with dc but not doing any of the grunt work which includes cleaning, tidying babies environment etc

I wonder if he saw you having 7 months “off work” and he thought he would do similar. Given he has said he has saved money to cover what he normally gives you to house him, he has obviously been planning it all for some time

I would tell him he can take a permanent break from this relationship and get rid. He is dragging you down and I think a lot of the emotional, mental, and physical stress and work you are going through will follow him out of the door.

It’s one less person to think about, compromise with and look after.

I have a few single mother friends and they said splitting with their child’s father and being a single parent was hard work because it was all down to them the decisions that had to be made but being a single parent was so much easier than living with their ex because they were in charge of all decision making.

It was things like not having to compromise on where and when they went on holiday to smaller everyday things such as wanting to sit down and watch mind numbing tv of their choice with a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate instead of compromising on the tv programme and either having to make the meal and/or clearing and washing up after

No one every says its the "duty" of one adult to support another regardless of their own wishes

Because this man is doing NO childcare. The OP could literally walk away from him and be in a better and less stressful situation still with her nanny. That is not the case for most men with stay-at-home-wives/mothers who are doing all the unpaid labour at home.

I agree with everyone saying to walk away now, OP. HIS life will crumble but that is on him. You do not have the capacity to carry him as a dead weight. Your child comes first

This is exactly what I am thinking.
I wouldn't even try to negotiate at this point, as he will agree to anything, but you know he won't keep to it
But the main reason is, if you let the nanny go because he agrees to take on the childcare, he will have you exactly where he wants you regarding being the main carer, when you split up.

This. This. 100x this.

Think seriously about whether this is a relationship you want long-term and if you are prepared for him to never go back to work (which is entirely possible), claim to be your child's primary caregiver and take majority custody (a court may well prefer the child to be with a parent if the other parent would using a third party for childcare during 'their' 50%) along with assets to support your child while you continue to work.

Please speak to a family solicitor whether you're ready to make changes or not.

YANBU. What a pathetic excuse of a man he is, watching the mother of his child work her arse off to support them and their child while he decides unilaterally to take 3 months off work to do what exactly? I don't think I could get over this OP.

Actually, I think you’ll find the The courts actually don’t care who looks after the child whilst it’s on the other parent time. It’s something that comes up quite regularly. That men will find a new partner and then dumped the child on them during their so-called 50% of the time.
However, the other problem is just because Residency is split 50-50 that does not mean that no child Maintainence is due
If he earns nothing and she earns lots she could well have the child 50% of the time and still pay a substantial amount of child support.
In addition to claiming state benefits this Man could have a very nice life ahead of him
It needs nipping in the bud now so that he gets every other weekend if he’s lucky

@Moneyworries890 Hi OP, what did he say his reason was for taking the 3 months unpaid, is he planning to start a business?

My situation is a little different. My DH was in an unstable industry so we did a role swap, I went back to work at a law firm full time whilst studying for my law degree and then ultimately qualifying as a solicitor. My DH worked part-time but also did all of the childcare and then home educates our children. He still worked part-time. However, 2 years ago he had an accident at work and had to give up his job, so I am the only earner now. However, he not only home educates our children, he (when he is able) is renovating our house and then he will retrain and set up a business with the kids. My point is, he has a plan for his future.

Did your DH give you any indication as to what his future plan is? I wouldn't necessarily shout LTB yet, I'd have a chat and see what his plan was.

PS it seems you arent married? Major plus. I’d keep the nanny for now so that, as others have said, you are less at risk of him claiming he’s the main carer for your child. I think it’s likely you will eventually be unable to take this selfish, lazy, freeloader any more at some point, even if you are not ready to dump him just yet (I dumped mine eventually, it was bliss), so I’d take legal advice so you know you can get rid when you feel able to with the least hassle possible. Personally I’d do it sooner rather than later - I found the selfish attitude, and just complete lack of care for me eventually totally eroded my love for my now-ex and getting rid was a relief in the end, I’m sure you will too. I’m sorry you picked a completely useless twat as the father of your child, but you say he’s good with your child, so no reason why he can’t keep doing that going forward. Good luck op.

Yes, tjough if the court is asked to make a judgment rather than approving an arrangement arrived at by the parties this could well come into play. There are also sometimes 'right of first refusal' parts of an order whereby the other parent has to be the first option of childcare arrangements for the other parent.

Agree re maintenance, but I was focusing on making sure the OP doesn't lose time with her beloved child (especially if the nanny works in her home and she herself works from home - all those little lunchtimes and pausing for bath time could really count).

I think just about all of us on this thread don't want the OP to sleepwalk into a situation she doesn't want, practically or financially, so best to get some official advice and know exactly where she stands.

This ☝🏻 100%

While you cut your maternity leave short to go back to work to support your family, he was supposedly saving money to fuck off and lie around jobless for 3 months? And he owes you money for his degree?

WTF. I would go nuclear.

He's using you.

I would get rid of him before he goes off work and tries to claim he's the caregiver. I'd run a possible split by a lawyer to get info on the best way to work it. You don't want to end up supporting a lazy, feckless man on top of single parenting.

Oh my word … I can only think that you’re so frazzled keeping your job, family, household, finances and ‘D’H on an even keel that you can’t see the 🚩’s flapping wildly around you. Can’t look after the little one because he didn’t bond !!?? Doesn’t earn much but can afford to put money by !!?? Not lazy per se !!?? ffs take a look ! This guy is Taking. The. Piss out of you. Given what you’ve achieved in life so far (pretty impressive) I think you can get along very nicely without the leech which has attached itself to you. Get Rid !

He must be fucking joking.

He’s lacking in the extreme, so what on god’s earth is the point in negotiating with someone like this.

To do things, you would have to push him Every Single Step of the Way. Like pushing water up a hill. It’s Exhausting.

I would honestly end it and save yourself the stress, tiredness and the utter misery.

Otherwise it will be like having two babies to deal with and your resentment will finish the relationship off anyway.

…and thank god you never married the entitled lazy cock-lodger.