Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

This man is one massive red flag. Honestly I think your life will be easier all round if you get rid of him.

Please bare in mind that him hanging around the house all day, everyday is likely to bother the Nanny and you may lose them. Personally I think losing the dp is the better choice.

If he’s been able to save up enough money to cover 3 months wages, why is he not already contributing more to the household??

If he can't even do housework to a good standard and look after his own child while he is off then you probably have your answer.....

Thank the almighty you are not married to this idiot.

I'd be thoroughly wounded that he's been squirreling away "his" savings while I had to cut my maternity leave short. Zero respect for you or his own baby.

And then for him to turn round and just tell you this. I can't see the point of him, he's pretty much reduced himself to an unwanted pet at this point

On SAHM vs. SAHD...

I do think if you want to see the deal SAHMs should have look at the SAHDs and maybe it's somewhere in the middle.

Fact is most women do far too much without being asked, thanked, appreciated, reciprocated or rewarded just because it needs to be done, and most men as little as they can get away regardless of if they work or not

I'd have gone ballistic too.

Quite frankly I'd dump the selfish self centred twat now and tell him he won't be spending his 3 months unpaid leave in your house.

This is my experience; if a man is the higher earner he will resent spending his money on you even though you are working for him for free to keep the household going and looking after his children.
If you are the higher earner he will resent the fact that you earn more than him and he will punish you for it.
You earn your own money, get rid of him; he's neither use nor ornament.

He knows exactly how to play it doesn't he, he does the minimum needed to stop his sugar mummy shoving him out into the cold.
He's living the life of Riley at your expense.

Thank god you haven’t married him. Kick him out then at least you’ll get a break every other weekend

He really went about it the wrong way as this is a joint decision. He should never announced it as if he could just decide to do it so I understand your initial reaction being one of extreme anger.

Are you sure his reason was “because he feels like it?”

Was he thinking you had 4 months to recover from childbirth and then 3 months “off” with the baby and now he wants 3 months “off” as paternity leave - as in it’s my turn to bond with the baby?

I may have a different perspective because my DH quit work to be a SAHD as I made 3x his wage and he wanted to a) be a SAHD and b) get another degree so he could improve his career prospects.

During these years, yes the house was messier and I didn’t have dinner on the table cooked for me every day after work. Yes it was stressful being the only earner for me, and full time taking care of a baby was a lot for him to get used to as he had not appreciated how much work and time a baby or toddler is, leaving little time for a pristine show home or a 3 course dinner every day.

But I will say our DC developed a great bond with him that really paid off in the long run. When he went back to work, they were nearing the end of primary school and I was not the default parent. We split taking care of sick children, organising after school care, helping with homework, taking to after school activities&sports.arranging dental and medical. He still never earned as much as I, and his job was lower stress/less hours but he was our parent for the PTO and school events like the school fete or Christmas play or volunteer to chaperone on field trips which in the long run made me less stressed on the day to day stuff.

I also felt less worry/stress leaving him with the DC for weeks at a time for business trips. I didn’t have to go to extreme lengths like other mums at the office did like precook and freeze two weeks worth of dinners and write out specific instructions and reminders like they did.

So anyways, this is more to add balance that while he absolutely broached the subject of 3 months home with baby the wrong way, it might not be that bad of an idea if you can both agree on it.

Plenty of women do this too. It’s due to our society devaluing traditionally female roles and valuing traditionally male roles, with extra sauce of capitalism that values only those that create profit.

This attitude is not due to an inherent male trait. You can see it reflected in the comments on here about him not being a high earner and suggesting a 3 month leave of absence to be home with his 11mo old.

Most SAHMs can’t and it’s accepted that child care comes before house cleaning above the bare minimum for hygiene.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

Has he paid you back?

No, its because he is a lazy F who can't be trusted to cook the meals, clean and look after his own child IF OP gor rid of the nanny.

Most SAHM, do the housework, clean and look after their kids.

Don't stay with him for the baby. You absolutely know this isn't on and your rage is leaping off the page. Prioritise yourself, work out what you want, and lay it on the line. You've nothing to lose.

Don't set any precedent of supporting him that he can rely on later in any legal proceedings...be very careful indeed

That is the height of selfishness. Absolutely self-centred. If anyone should be taking time off work in this scenario it should be you. Working, looking after a baby, keeping up with breast feeding is HARD! No way this can go ahead. Is he planning to do the childcare during the day? Or is this completely about self indulgence? Either way, no, no and no.

Don’t negotiate with him, just leave him. I wonder if he’ll still manage this “self-funded” 3 month break without you?

If you leave him now, your DC will never know any different, it will be no hardship to them going between the two of you. I suspect your life will actually be easier with him gone.

So do most SAHDs.

The majority of posts reflect the very low societal opinion regarding men who are not the primary or sole breadwinner, as I outlined.

He is being judged not as an individual but as a result of the societal opinion.

I’d be all for it if he wanted to be a SAHD. But OP says he won’t do the stuff he should be doing if he were a SAHD.

He doesn’t want to be the parent at home. He wants to continue with the Nannie’s and cleaners and whatever else, whilst being able to lounge around. That’s not ok when OP is killing herself to provide their lifestyle.

I think it’s kinder for your son to do it now. I was with a man who tried to stop me taking the year with my son and I left when my son was 8 months old although the back and forth dragged on a bit. It was hard handing him over when he was a baby but recently a few of his friends have been very upset by their parents splitting and he’s said he’s lucky cos he didn’t know any different. I wish you well. The more you post the more he doesn’t sound that great.

Sounds like you need to cut back to a 4 day week if possible to give yourself a break even if it’s just for a year or so and he shouldn’t be thinking of a break until you are back to normal

Honestly get rid off him. You deserve so much more. He can still be your child’s father, but you also need a partner

Cocklodger!

Keep the nanny. Bin dp. You’ll be better off!

Sounds like he needs to be removed from the home before he quits his job and before he can claim he is main care of the child. He’s not on the property, you’re not married so arrange the locks to be changed. He’s got 3 months wages saved so he has enough money for a deposit for a rental if mummy won’t have him home.
wishing you good luck! You need to deal with this fast.