Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

He’s wants a fee life as paid for by you. I’d say no unless he intended to be a SAHD doing all house chores and life admin

But the OP's DP has never expressed a wish to be a Sahp- he wants 3 months off navelgazing while the nanny is with their child and OP deals with everything + working.

Your DH wanted to actually parent and you made a joint decision for him to be a sahd while you worked. Great. This has nothing to do with OP's DP who wants TIME OFF not parenting, not working letting OP finance childcare etc whilst he's on vacation.

Huh? Where do sahds come into this post? The op says he expects the full time nanny to stay. Men who neither work nor parent nor clean are not sahds, they are just a waste of space time and effort. Go start another thread about sahds, they are irrelevant to this post.

The man in question is merely a free loading sperm donor.

Yes OP has said if he were SAHD for 3 months the house would not be cleaned to a good standard & be messier. Which is actually normal for SAHMs with no cleaner to help.

I have asked OP to find out why he wants to be off for 3 months and whether he intends to be a SAHD as that could be beneficial to everyone in the long run, even if a cleaner is kept on.

I think communicating calmly can resolve a lot of these kinds of issues. I do think jumping to leave him/divorce/he’s a waste of space are premature and based on unfair assumptions.

I agree 100% it would not be ok for him to just take 3 months off to do nothing. I cut contact with an old male college friend when I learned he took his 2 months severance pay after a redundancy to stay home and play video games while still putting his 2yr old in full time day care while his wife was at work.

I just want OP to be investigate why he feels like being home for 3 months, is it he feels like he wants some paternity leave? I agree with the poster that said if OP agrees, no nanny and so on. OP also should be firm that these are joint decisions and he can’t just unilaterally decide to take time off work - they both have to agree unless he gets hit by a bus and can’t work…

This

No she doesn’t say he expects that. She is speculating that reality will be one of two scenarios:

”But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't.”

OR

“Reality is:

• cleaning / dinner will be half arsed
• he'll be hounding me to come home from work at 5 on the dot
• hand baby to me as soon as I walk in the door”

So basically, she is unilaterally deciding he can’t do the SAHD thing good enough, which means she’d have to keep the nanny, which isn’t fair.

Personally, I’d talk more with him. Make it clear no nanny and discuss the concerns she has about housework/dinner, hassling her to be home at 5 and splitting baby care when they are both home.

Well he can't take an unpaid break from work end of. Is this relationship worth saving.

A relationship needs to work for both parties. Currently, it isn’t working for OP and her partner is making life worse for her not better.

I think the resentment is natural and justified. Presumably her partner knows how painful it was for her to have to go back to work at 7 months and yet he was squirrelling away secret savings for his own 3 month break rather than supporting his family.

The partner is thinking and operating like a single man and not a husband and father. The irony is he would not be able to afford his lifestyle as a single man without OP paying the mortgage, etc.

Maybe if OP casts him adrift he’ll realise this and have a chance to be a decent father. I think he’s burnt his bridges as a partner.

The choices are - take 3 months off, sack nanny and he does round the clock childcare (sorry nanny) becoming the SAHP
or he takes 3 months off and moves out permanently
or he carries the fuck on.

or you take 3 months off and he gets a higher paid job!

Oh and if you wonder what the future is likely to be let me tell you the story of a dear friend:

after 18 years, she’s found someone who wants to be her partner and she and her “d”h are divorcing.

none of her friends have sympathy for him at this point.

Just to point out that good nannies are hard to come by and when his 3 months' leave are up what then? The original nanny will have been snapped up by another family and the OP will have to start all over again finding someone else.

Anyway there is nothing in the OP's post to suggest that he wants to take time off because he is desperate to bond with and care for his child. It sounds like this is purely about his own self-indulgence.

I don't agree with those posters who claim he is being given a hard time in comparison to SAHMs because he is a man. SAHMs (and for that matter SAHDs) contribute to the family through childcare & family housework and logistics to support the wage earning partner in providing for the family, that is what a partnership is. That is very different from what the OP's 'D'P is proposing. I also recall plenty of posts where an OP has received criticism for proposing an arrangement where they would be under-contributing; because most people dislike freeloaders whether male or female.

BTW my own DH has talked about retiring early whereas I am planning to continue working. I am completely supportive of his plans - so how does this differ from the OP's situation? Well firstly, DH has carefully planned how it potentially could work without any undue financial burden on us. He has always worked full time and been at least as hands on and capable with childcare and household running as I have been. He is not and has never been a freeloader, so I wouldn't resent or oppose his plans now.

It is not my intention to brag about this btw....just to provide an example of what genuine partnership looks like.

Could agree any more - I’d get rid of the husband and keep the nanny!

I would be utterly fucking beside myself with rage over this op.

He didn't even ask you in advance?!

Does he really think it would be acceptable to sit on his backside for 3 months and do nothing. What a wadte of space he is, if this is the true him - get rid adap what is the point of him.

There is no guarantee that he will go back to work after his 3 month do nothing phase.

He would then be on a position of no work for months, he stays at home so becomes the main caregiver.

It looks to me like he wants to live off OP's hard work and become a cocklodger.

If they split, he gets main caregiver status and she's pissibly on the hook for child support, funding his laziness.

She had to go back to work early and is pumping all the time, doing the night care. That is so miserable. Meanwhile he was supposedly saving money, not to pay back the loan she gave him, but so he could be a lazy fuck.

This man is a parasite. Leeching your money, using your property, failing to parent.

The barest of minimum things a boyfriend is for, is to massively enhance your life. This man has failed.

Remove him from your property and get a parenting app, so you don't have to have him scrounging in your inbox.

I don't want to go into the details, but he does have something good work wise lined up for January. He's frustrated with his current job and just wants to quit and stay home until that starts. I sympathise as his current work is not great and quite boring but equally, he doesn't sympathise with me at all.

I'm expected to just get on with it while he gets to take a break when he wants because we can technically do without his income for a little while.

But his little break will wipe off some of the savings we have thanks to me going back to work early. We're saving for a house. That's the whole point of everything. A house with a tiny fucking garden for DS and a good school. In London, that comes at a premium.

I don't care what people think about SAHDs. I don't want a SAHD. He's not some domestic god and frankly, I'd rather he be in work and an equal parent when we're both home. The SAH arrangement doesn't work for me.

And the person in this relationship who deserves a break is ME. Not him. Me.

Oh don't buy a house with him! This is not a relationship that's going anywhere, don't lose your asset just to keep this slob on as a boyfriend.
Protect your property.

Agreeeee! What happens next time he decides he wants a break from life?

Once you say yes once qhen it happens again he will expect it again.

And it will happen again...

Yes @Moneyworries890 as someone else just said, do not buy a house with him.

Honestly, I would be combusting with rage in your shoes right now.

It's so selfish and thoughtless.

Why are you even with this guy?

We all deserve a break from work. Sadly thats just not life for the majority of us.

Don't say yes OP. If he hates the job he is in so much then he should quit and get an interim job until January. Anything. Driving, supermarket.

If its really the job there are options.

Sounds to me like he just fancies sitting on his arse for a few months.

Yeah this would be final straw territory for me... He's fundamentally selfish to his core, and as he is completely blind to this flaw he will never change. Sadly that's a deal breaker.