Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

He should have consulted you before even thinking about taking time off.
Perhaps you should tell him to go and live elsewhere for his 3 months off, but consider having him back at the end of it if, and only if, he has found a better paying job.
How has he managed to save enough for 3 months on a low salary? Presumably because you paid for everything. Let him have a taste of reality during his unpaid leave.

Reality is that he is the same person you chose to have dc with. He is using weaponised incompetence and you are allowing him.

doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work)

You can tell him no, this is not good enough (cleaning and dinners) you can tell him to leave you alone when you come in - you can set ground rules if he wants to be a SAHP for 3 months. I imagine you have people that report to you at work? Would you let them get away with sub standard work?

Why does he need 3 months off with a full time
nanny? Surely he should be looking after your child?

People don't have an issue when the adults have decided together. And if there is a fair split of work.

So if parent one is out at work and parent 2 stays home, then parent 2's 'job' is looking after the house and dc

Urgh reading your last post … really get rid asap Tell him to move out. You appear to have everything sorted around him anyways.

You’re in a fortunate position of earning enough to be able to buy in help. Arrange your life as you want it.
There are surely better prospects in the gene pool out there. I wonder what his parents/siblings are like.

If you agree to these 3 months at home he could later blackmail you by claiming to be the primary carer by distorting facts in front of a court.

Yep. Get your child into full time nursery, stay in full time work and then get rid of him. He will then not be able to make such a claim - as you have childcare in place.

easy answer really. Leave or kick him out, whichever is appropriate. Change the locks. Move on.

OMG how the fuck have you put up with this man-child????
You carried your baby for 9mths, birthed him and looked after him 24/7 until you went back to work full time and HES fucking exhausted?!
What a selfish selfish man.
I was always told to ask yourself one question about any relationship 'can you imagine life without them?' If the answer is yes then you need to end it. They should be your world, your best friend, the one person that would do anything for you without question....
You're in a good place financially. Leave now whilst you can. It sounds doomed anyway

I think you have to weigh up who gives better value and would be harder to replace.

a)A reliable nanny who your child likes, who you like and who you have confidence in to make your child’s day enjoyable, entertaining and appropriate, who you also have a good working relationship with, who you have worked out roles and responsibilities with and who you trust to fulfil them.

b) Your current partner.

Would you call all the women who choose to not work when they have well-paid husbands/partners free-loaders? He seems to be doing what quite a few women do.

Well can he be a SAHP instead of the full time nanny?

I would ask for proof of his savings if it’s something you want to do but personally I would tell him if he takes the three months he goes permanently

at least your life will be better better and he can have your son on a regular basis

i I would be sitting him down and telling his sons home truths how because of him you had to go back at 7 months rather than a full year that he relies too much on your salary to pay for things and that because of him you are outsourcing stuff he could do

you tell him these are his tasks and your expect them to get done. That if he has savings you expect some spent on your child ie part of the nanny’s salary not him taking time off. That he has to step up with care for HIS child which means bonding so the child doesn’t scream near him and he can settle him that he takes his turn getting up rays he prepares meals for when you get home etc wtc

Absolutely understand why you lost it. I would have been mad as hell too. He should have discussed it with you, and if he has "saved up enough money" it sounds like he's been planning this for some time.
And Yes, I would absolutely start negotiating on what he will pick up at home in return - childcare (perhaps part time so you don't lose the nanny?), cleaning, shopping and cooking. Plus I'd like to know what his plans are on a return to work as the job market tightens....
He's behaving as if he's single rather than one half of a couple with a child.

There has been some threads last few weeks about women reducing their hours and their partner not being happy. The response to those woman has been totally different with people thinking their partners should support them.

This level of resentment is unlikely to resolve itself unless you can bury your feelings completely. Suggest you forget the 3 months for a moment and think about what you need from him more generally in the long term. Is it half the parenting? Half the night wakes? Do you need more time off on a weekend? You can’t go back but you can make clear what you need and expect now if you want the marriage to survive.
You sound overwhelmed by being responsible for everything and it might help to have regular time alone without responsibility. You can get that in 2 ways - divorce and 50/50 custody or you can tell him what you need and require him to deliver it.
I went for the latter because we agreed we wanted to try and keep the family unit together and so we made a weekly schedule so we get a fair amount of downtime and agree who does what. We are still financially uneven but at least this way I get some time and space away from work and life on a regular basis and I don’t feel like everything is on me.
I had to stop doing everything and it is a bit better now but I have spent lots of time in last few years thinking about leaving… I usually come to the conclusion that it’s better having some help from DH than splitting up and risking no help if childcare fails.

Please be careful and plan going for divorce - esp from a financial point of view if you are the main earner and own the house outright in your name. Get legal and financial advice now as he could be entitled to half the property and any assets in the marriage particularly as he is such a low earner the judge looks at making sure everyone is housed appropriately in particular - and they never seem to get it quite right in my view - so get advice and plan

They arent married

Phew

I’m a believer in like for like, which is probably why I’m single after divorce 😍. What man denies the mother of his child time after birth at home with her baby!!!??

stop carrying him, he’s an adult not a child. Get rid.

My dps friend did something like this, and I said to dp, if you came to me and told me you were doing that too, I would probably leave you. He would never but I’m mouthy so had to get it out there.

I'd ask him to leave. Now.

You pay a nanny so that's already built into your expenses.

Do NOT let him 'look' like he's the main carer for a few months.

Oh my,

YOU have all the power here,

Does he have a gold dick? why are you allowing a man, to treat you like a mug. Kick him out, how bloody dare he.

This sounds like he sees you as a bit of a cash cow. He’d be devastated if your income was to disappear.

If you did leave him, would he give up work, say he can be the main carer and then fight for custody and expect you to pay him CSM?

I think you were right to go mental. Fundamentally it's not a partnership if one of you is running themselves ragged holding everything together, and one of you is on an extended holiday, because they make such little contribution currently...that they may as well. Anyone who cared about their partner would realise that its going to drive a huge wedge in the relationship if their partner comes home after a really intense day, stressed and knackered with everything else they're going to do that evening, and their 'equal partner' is sitting on the couch

Wouldn't bother me at all, in fact I would be supportive of it. I hate that people are expected to work themselves to death their whole lives to chase money and firmly believe mental health and family always comes first.

Like you I own my own house, its mine and never expected/needed/had a man financially support me so why would his income matter.

I wouldn't have the nanny though, no need to if hes not at work and that will be a big amount of money saved.