I'm proud of how I handled things. My husband thinks I was too harsh

[Girlmom35]

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

YANBU! Hopefully she has learnt her lesson.

Wtf lady! Who picks up a random child they don’t know and then tells them they are being difficult if they don’t like it! YANBU at all!

Meh. She was trying to help. I think you could have affirmed your child without being a dick to be fair.

I think you did the right thing. Even if the woman was a bit 🙄 at the time, she’ll think twice before doing that again.

Even without your daughter’s condition, this would have been very weird for a random woman to insist on picking up a child despite being told no. She’s the odd one, not you.

I agree. It's very, very weird. I am pretty sure most people would either do nothing at all or ask the child if they would like to be picked up/helped. To just grab a random child seems incredibly odd. To not back down when the child says no is even more odd!

You were absolutely in the right and I would have definitely given that woman a piece of my mind. I may well have shouted rather a lot.

How can anyone be so damn stupid as to manhandle a random child like that?

I wouldn't have thought that a strange woman would persist in man handling your child for so long to be fair! Especially when she started screaming. That whole event sounds quite odd to me. But then I'm not the sort of person who would pick up a strangers child either!
I'm with your husband on this one. And I think a calm, brief explanation may have gone a long way to educating this woman for future reference. You handled it badly in my opinion.

You did the right thing. For your daughter's sake, I think it was really important that you affirmed her in that moment.

But the child said no and she refused to let go of her. How is that helpful?

She stopped being helpful at the point where OP's daughter asked not to be picked up. OP wasn't the one being a dick here.

I don't think you exaggerated at all OP! My DS doesn't have a condition but I wouldnt be happy about this either and would have made it known. The weirdest part is that she didn't stop when your child asked her too and clearly didn't want her to pick her up.

Absolutely in the right - what sort of idiot tries to manhandle unknown children who ask not to be touched

I agree!
I don't know if you can say much about a person you don't know at all, just from the way they look in a brief interaction.
But I got the feeling she didn't have any real experience with actual children, and hasn't realised that they are individuals with their own thoughts, emotions and ideas.

As I was talking to my husband later today I even asked him how he would feel if she had picked him up instead (he's an incredible introvert). And why people feel like they can do that to children, when we as adults wouldn't put up with it ourselves.

How was she being a “dick”? Surely the person being the “dick” here was the persistent woman who wouldn’t leave a child alone when asked to do so. Would your response have been the same had it been a man trying to lift up a little girl? Sorry, but the woman was TOTALLY out of order - who goes round laying hand on other people’s children, without either asking or being asked, and having been told no, why didn’t she just take a step back?

My reaction would have been a lot worse than yours! Fucking weirdo

I agree with you, OP

OP! I'd have been absolutely spitting fire if someone had dared to do that to my ds even if he was compliant with it (which knowing him is actually worryingly likely even though we've had lots of conversations to this effect) I'd still know he'd feel quite unsure.

I think she was completely unhelpful all round - firstly, she promoted the idea that it's cool for children to be picked up and handled by strangers, second, as a parent you've absolutely no way to know if she was harmful or not. That's insane she felt it was OK to do such a thing. It's actually a bit scary when you think about reports of children being dropped into enclosures etc even though obviously those are very rare occurrences. As a parent I'd have actually shit myself and then been enraged. There are so many children who would have been really triggered by that from trauma or sensory issues never mind the fact that an unknown adult just grabbing you in that way is really scary. That actually must have been very frightening for your dd and tbh I'd have been inclined to report it to the staff.

I think you handed that beautifully. And it's fantastic that your dd is empowered enough to own her voice and use it.

For the posters who thought you were too harsh and for your dh, would they have been as cool about it if it were a strange man grabbing their child and refusing to put them down while your child begged them to?

Unless I have had to for safety reasons, I have never picked up a child without asking them if it was ok, including my own once she was old enough to understand. Before that, I never picked her up without telling her I was going to. Their bodies are theirs and the earlier they learn that the better, particularly if they are female.

I don't think you were harsh at all.

Randomly picking up a child and refusing to put them down when they ask is a ridiculous way to behave. If a man did it there would, rightly, be absolute outrage. That a way may be less of a predatory danger doesn't make it instantly acceptable.

And to not be mortified and apologetic when you - even with good intentions - upset and frighten a child shows that the person is a dick.

Not many people would touch a child they didn't know, except in extreme circumstances. All very odd.

Surely when a child says no, you stop.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever attempted to pick up a random child you didn’t know in a public place?

What? No one?

Thought so.

The woman was completely in the wrong. None of my children have disabilities or genetic issues, but I’m pretty sure if some random put their arms around them they would rightfully kick off.

We teach our kids to mindful of strangers so how is it right to excuse ‘the helpful stranger’. The minute your daughter told her not to touch her she should have listened,

Yes I agree but they shouldn't have started to try and pick the kid up in the first place.

What she did was wrong for any child, especially one who says no.

She needed to be told so she doesn’t do it again.