I'm proud of how I handled things. My husband thinks I was too harsh

[Girlmom35]

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

Didn’t sound like the woman was receptive to any criticism.

That’s the first thing OP did.

You were 100% correct and did the right thing as a mother. Little girls get the message so often that others feelings are more important than their bodily autonomy and SEN children are more vulnerable to sexual abuse and grooming so you did the right thing. No doubt in your daughters mind that her mum supports her right to only be touched by consent and she won’t be in trouble for standing up for herself

You handled i well OP.

I’d have spoken firmly to the woman.

I can’t believe she ignored what your daughter was saying, let alone picked her up without asking your daughter if that was ok.

Your daughter handled it well too.

Your H needs to be less of a people pleaser.

Bullshit. What she did was assault, op was absolutely right.

Right, I may be odd, but if I spot a little one wanting to see something, with the parents in sight, but little one is impatient, I am likely to ask the child if they want my help, specially if the parents can see me and I can kind of ask them with a glance too. But I would ask. Never just pick a random child up.
I think it is maternal instinct, wanting to help. I love children though.
The lady was wrong to not listen to your DD. You did right OP.

What does "having been brought up in the 70s" have to do with anything? Is this some kind of ridiculous virtue-signaling of something? "I was brought up in the 70s, therefore my moral judgement has more value than yours": is that it?
And what does "parenting strategies these days" mean? Weren't there none, in the 70s? Because I have some experience with "the 70s way" of "parenting". But at least I aknowledge that parents in the 70s were not a monolithic cluster of parenting fashion followers. Just like parents today are not.
There have always been those who parent following the book/fashion/social preassure of their moment; and those who parent following their instinct, which doesn't mean "their whims": it's a tool that Nature has given us and that has been refined troughout millions of years.
Teaching bodily boundaries to your offspring seems pretty obvious, as an evolutionary tool, especially because all animals do it.
Furthermore: humans evolve because we take the best wisdom from our elders and also because we learn from their errors and try new ways. Therefore we need critical thinking, especially when it comes to evaluate our own parents and upbringing.
You seem blinded and binded by some kind of childish obedience to your own parents, so that the only "argument" (a defense/cope mechanism really) you have to invalidate things that make you uncomfortable (and seeing your own parents and their ways being even indirectly critisized is something very destabilizing if you've never done some work on it) is the old "well I was brought up [fill in the blank] and turned up better than you!".

Your comment is inmature and ignorant, and I'm being generous here.

This is all rather strange. Not only the situation but that it took you a minute to reach your daughter but could still hear everything perfectly. Where was your husband? Why didn’t you grab your three year old and run over when you saw it unfold?

And in trying to look 'oh so clever' @ArmchairXpert you appear to have made up your own little interpretation of my post.
I was merely stating an opinion, not in any way saying I was better than anyone else.
I have no time for people who belittle others for making a comment. I find it crass and ignorant.
If people spent less time treating small children as little adults and using bizarre terminology, then maybe we wouldn't have a world full of entitled adults.
Telling a child not to talk to and engage with strangers should be enough, without all the unnecessary jargon there is these days.
Which was what I was referring to when mentioning being brought up in the 70s.
And I certainly don't need psychoanalysis from an armchair 'expert' who doesn't have a single clue about me or my upbringing, but thank you for your time.

It would be interesting to know how you would respond if someone forced you to do something, specifically putting their hands on you, and continued to do so when you've asked them to stop!

Well done OP... I genuinely can't understand why adults don't understand boundaries! Especially when a child has clearly communicated.

Of course I make "my little interpretation" of all posts, including yours. Don't you? In fact, my "oh so clever" (?) comment was a critique to your interpretation of op's post.
And of course I can "psychoanalise" whoever I want to in my free time: I'm called "armchair expert" for a reason 😂
Anyway, all I say is based on comments posted in an anonymous forum so it's ok, I'm sure you're fine. Have a nice day.

I can’t believe anyone would do this.
Also op, why wasn’t your dh with his child? What was he doing whilst you were waiting for your younger child to catch up?

I can't say exactly how long it took, just that it was under a minute.
I added that in my post because after writing it all out it seemed to have been this drawn out event. It wasn't. It all happened quickly, but I had other things on my mind than watching the clock at that moment.

Also, I didn't expect it to escalate like that. My daughter is very clear in communicating her boundaries. As any rational person, I expected her to back off and apologize when my daughter told her no. I didn't come running at that point, because I couldn't have imagined that I needed to. It was only when my daughter got upset, that I started moving faster.

My husband and I were each holding a hand of our 3 year old, so he was right next to me. I let go of her hand to walk towards my daughter and he stayed with her.

As for how I could hear... My children have very loud voices. Trust me, I can pick them out of a crowd

I’m not saying this didn’t happen as I wasn’t there, but the whole thing is very odd to me.

Did you hear your daughter say no politely the first time and the woman say stop being difficult and not shout out and say put her down please? I’ve had kids ask me to lift them up for various things at the park for example over the years and I always ask where their parent is, or look around for them myself to ask. I legitimately can’t imagine a scenario in which I’d just swoop a child off their feet within a millisecond of clocking eyes on them, without stopping to check who they’re with etc.

You weren’t a dick for telling her how you felt, but I do find it really odd that you didn’t put a stop to it as soon as she put her hands on her, particularly knowing how your daughter is with touch.

You handled it well. I don’t understand how people think it’s ok to pick up random children but clearly when your daughter said no the woman should have instantly apologised and put her down. Tbh the woman sounds very odd in her behaviour as who wouldn’t apologise when they caused a child to cry? Your DP is clearly too much of a people pleaser!

Op I’m not suggesting you should have watched the clock. I just find it strange that having a child with additional needs you or your husband weren’t each with one of your children. Also at the second your dd started speaking to an adult one of you didn’t dash over, you both hung back and watched it pan out, knowing how your dd struggles.

That woman was entirely in the wrong. Well done you.

Did this really happen.

You was absolutely not in the wrong here at all! That woman did NOT behave in a normal way, people shouldnt be touching or grabbing or trying to pick up someone else's child unless its an actual emergency. The fact she wouldnt let go would send alarm bells off in my head of a possible attempt at kidnap (it happens) id probably report it to the police.

This is a safeguarding issue. If it had been a man all hell would have broken loose.

The woman was being a dick. Who persists in trying to pick up a kid, and someone else’s kid!, when they say no?

You should be proud of your dd insisting on her saying no. And then kicking off. Good for her. All women and girls should kick off if they’re being physically handled in a way they don’t like.

Of course it never happened. This gloating woman just wants her pathetic 15 minutes of fame, and bask in the admiration of random, anonymous entities.

OP: “I’m immensely proud of myself. My chest is bursting with pride! I’m an amazing mother, in fact - mother of the year….don’t you all agree?”
Random, anonymous entities: “Of course you are, well done you! Here’s a virtual medal, wear it proud! In your place I would have whacked that woman on the head with a brick, but you are a saint and we all follow you to the end and swear allegiance to you, oh wise leader!”

She is still here, answering all the questions and giving out autographs. After reading this, she will run to the moderator for the deletion of my post, and her cult followers will throw stones at me, chasing me to the depth of Hades.

So how would your husband have sorted it? Since you did so badly.

I think you did great. We are big on bodily autonomy and don’t ever say things like “give your granny a hug” as we feel
so strongly about it. I think that woman’s feelings are not your concern and you did a great job supporting your daughter and validating her (completely reasonable) feelings about this.

@Blunderbussvikingwhy are you posting this? It sounds toxic.