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Original poster

I'm proud of how I handled things. My husband thinks I was too harsh

159 replies

Girlmom35 · 13/08/2025 21:05

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

OP posts:
Aquariusgolddustwoman34 · 14/08/2025 18:28

Child of the 90’s here.. have people forgotten that we were taught to scream absolute blue murder should anyone a stranger try to pick us up or grab our hands etc or not even talk to strangers?! Imagine if this woman was trying to kidnap OPs child, how would OP know they weren’t. I think your reaction was perfect and your DH is probably speaking out of embarrassment at the noise/scene caused due to his introverted personality. It doesn’t excuse him putting you down in a good moment though.

PrittStickMan · 14/08/2025 18:32

buswankerbabe · 13/08/2025 21:10

Meh. She was trying to help. I think you could have affirmed your child without being a dick to be fair.

Wait, you’re calling the OP a dick for telling a stranger to stop repeatedly picking up her child after the child had said no three times? I’d say you don’t pick up an unknown child once.

Do you generally have issues with determining ‘who’s the dick?’

Vynalbob · 14/08/2025 18:34

From your and your dds point of view you imo were absolutely correct.
I'm a bit puzzled by two things (ignore No1 it doesn't matter)

  1. A lot happened in one minute - or did it have time to register with the woman (might be nd)
  2. The only way, if you exclude No1, that this makes sort of sense is if the woman thought the child was by herself and she didn't want her to run into danger (only you will know if it's a possibility).
Other than that it does sound dodgy....and tbf (and I'm not entirely sure why it should be) if it was a man I'd probably have said I'll call the police.....okay I kinda get it.
soupyspoon · 14/08/2025 18:35

No one in their right mind would pick up a strangers child and insist on continuing that in response to a child pulling away and saying no and getting upset so I would guess she has some sort of LD or social communication difficulties anyway and likely doesnt have a clue how to manage social situations.

So no, not harsh, has to be said and very unfortunate for your daughter and the woman who doesnt know how to manage herself in public.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 14/08/2025 18:36

Your daughter did the right thing in politely asking the woman to stop. The woman was completely out of order to touch a child against their wishes.

The woman should have approached your daughter and, in seeing the problem, offered to lift her up. Your daughter would have declined her offer- end of story. No drama.

You were completely right to deal with the situation the way you did. Perhaps next time the woman will think twice.

I wonder if your husband would be as relaxed about this if it had been a man.

PrittStickMan · 14/08/2025 18:37

Blunderbussviking · 13/08/2025 23:34

I think the woman just wanted to help, as it is a natural human instinct when we see a little child struggling.
What is REALLY disturbing here is how many angry women claim they would have done something physically aggressive to that lady, suggesting they would have punched her!?
A theoretical situation bringing the worst out of people and making them so angry is utterly bizarre!

Show quote history

The struggling the child was doing was to get out of the hands of an adult stranger persistently touching her against her will. It’s an… odd…. take to be defending that.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 14/08/2025 18:47

Trishyb10 · 14/08/2025 18:26

Ok, the woman took an unusual stance wanting to,pick your child up, but you teaching your child not to be touched??? Where do you live?beirut? never heard anything like it,step back and think about this, do you want your daughter to be loving,warm and open to others or scared and hard,hostile, she,l grow up scarred and scared of people, i,ve never heard anything like it. Your hubby is totally right..

Tell me you didn’t read the post properly 🙄

WellThisIsFranklyDreadful · 14/08/2025 18:56

buswankerbabe · 13/08/2025 21:10

Meh. She was trying to help. I think you could have affirmed your child without being a dick to be fair.

I think we’ve found the woman Hmm Grabbing someone without their consent while they scream no is assault. It’s not helpful. It is assault. This apologist bullshit is the same fuckwittery trotted out by men who grope you then say you “looked like you needed loosening up”, or they were “only having a laugh”.

OP, YANBU at all. This woman assaulted your daughter and she deserved much more than a telling off.

WellThisIsFranklyDreadful · 14/08/2025 19:02

Blunderbussviking · 13/08/2025 23:34

I think the woman just wanted to help, as it is a natural human instinct when we see a little child struggling.
What is REALLY disturbing here is how many angry women claim they would have done something physically aggressive to that lady, suggesting they would have punched her!?
A theoretical situation bringing the worst out of people and making them so angry is utterly bizarre!

Show quote history

The woman grabbed the child to the extent she was actively screaming in distress and continued to do so even after that. There is no part of that that is helping.

Mewling · 14/08/2025 19:07

@Trishyb10 The bulb’s a bit dim in your room, yeah?

TwistedWonder · 14/08/2025 19:10

Trishyb10 · 14/08/2025 18:26

Ok, the woman took an unusual stance wanting to,pick your child up, but you teaching your child not to be touched??? Where do you live?beirut? never heard anything like it,step back and think about this, do you want your daughter to be loving,warm and open to others or scared and hard,hostile, she,l grow up scarred and scared of people, i,ve never heard anything like it. Your hubby is totally right..

Im amazed you’ve never heard of teaching your children to have boundaries about being touched by random strangers - it’s absolute basic safeguarding. And no I don’t live in Beruit - not sure of the relevance tbh - but most of us don’t live in cloud cuckoo land either

AgnesX · 14/08/2025 19:11

MoonWoman69 · 13/08/2025 21:18

I wouldn't have thought that a strange woman would persist in man handling your child for so long to be fair! Especially when she started screaming. That whole event sounds quite odd to me. But then I'm not the sort of person who would pick up a strangers child either!
I'm with your husband on this one. And I think a calm, brief explanation may have gone a long way to educating this woman for future reference. You handled it badly in my opinion.

Err no. What did the woman think she was doing with an unknown child to begin with.

After that, she should have done as she was asked and put the child down. How hard is that to understand.

OPs husband's a prat.

soupyspoon · 14/08/2025 19:16

AgnesX · 14/08/2025 19:11

Err no. What did the woman think she was doing with an unknown child to begin with.

After that, she should have done as she was asked and put the child down. How hard is that to understand.

OPs husband's a prat.

Show quote history

I think given what OP explained it is obvious that the woman isnt right. Neither would anyone be who tried to keep picking up a strangers child who was saying no and who was distressed by being picked up.

OP probably wasnt able to think all that through in those quick minutes but might have realised the woman is likely to be disadvantaged cognitvely and socially in some way to do that.

Pllystyrene · 14/08/2025 19:31

You were remarkably restrained! When my nephew was little I can remember someone trying to pick him up after he had open heart surgery, you never know what going on with a child. She shouldn't have touched her without asking, let alone not stopping when being asked too!

Laura95167 · 14/08/2025 19:35

This woman was so inappropriate. And honestly if it had been a man everyone watching would have been horrified. You daughter did very well making it clear she didnt want to be touched and didnt know this stranger. And you were firm measured and well prioritised. Well done

Fraggeek · 14/08/2025 19:36

buswankerbabe · 13/08/2025 21:10

Meh. She was trying to help. I think you could have affirmed your child without being a dick to be fair.

Ladies and (a few) gentlemen of MN, I give you the woman who tried to pick up OP daughter!!

BattenbergLoves · 14/08/2025 19:54

MOST people would not ever pick up an unknown child. It wouldn’t even occur to them to interfere. SOME people might ask if the child wanted help, but still probably wouldn’t pick them up without parent permission. I’m a parent of a neurotypical 4 year old child and I have experience in teaching and childcare. I would’ve probably shouted “please put my child down” even if she was happy with the person picking her up! Very strange situation that the lady thought it appropriate to just randomly pick up another person’s unknown child at all let alone without any sort of conversation! Hope your daughter is ok.
YANBU

knor · 14/08/2025 20:10

I think what you did was right!
even if a child is okay with being touched, I think it’s alien to pick up a child you don’t know?
I would never even consider it and if I did for some wild reason, I’d always ask. But I still would never touch a random child I didn’t know.

Original poster
Girlmom35 · 14/08/2025 20:10

Trishyb10 · 14/08/2025 18:26

Ok, the woman took an unusual stance wanting to,pick your child up, but you teaching your child not to be touched??? Where do you live?beirut? never heard anything like it,step back and think about this, do you want your daughter to be loving,warm and open to others or scared and hard,hostile, she,l grow up scarred and scared of people, i,ve never heard anything like it. Your hubby is totally right..

I think you've made it very clear you didn't read my post or anything I've updated since.
I've never taught any of my children not to be touched.
I've taught my daughter that she doesn't have to be touched against her will.
Not by anyone, unless she was in danger and someone was protecting her. But especially not by a complete stranger who didn't as much as say hello to her first. She just grabbed her and held on tightly despite my child crying and begging to be let go. Think about that for a moment.
I'm not from Beirut, but I also don't know a single place where it's considered normal to grab children you don't know and refuse to let go when they are begging to let them go.

Now, I firmly stand behind the fact that my children don't have to offer their body to anyone, regardless of who they are. If they don't feel comfortable being hugged, held or kissed by a close family friend, then they don't have to. There are ways to be warm and inviting without forcing yourself into a situation you're not comfortable with. There are ways to be polite without being physically touched too.

However, my daughter can and does choose to hug, kiss, and be picked up by some people. She hugs her sister. She jumps into her grandfather's arms and asks to be tossed into the air. She will ask for a hug from me or her dad when she's upset. After the incident she asked to be held for a long time. She will cuddle with her school friends. The only thing she's clear about, is that she wants to be able to choose, to say no, to end the hug when she feels like it. How is that in any way odd to you?

If anything, what scars children is being forced to engage in physical contact they don't want, and not being protected by their parents. That doesn't make a child warm. That turns children into easy victims, for all kinds of predators and abusers, their whole life.

It's funny (not!) . We expect adults to be able to say no. Whenever a woman gets assaulted or raped, they are asked "did you say no? We're you clear enough? Did you scream for help?"
Do you think people magically learn to say no, when they are explicitly told as a child that they don't have a voice? That they don't get to have an opinion on who touches them? That their bodies are to be given away freely in order to make others feel welcome and not rejected?

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlmom35 · 14/08/2025 20:18

Vynalbob · 14/08/2025 18:34

From your and your dds point of view you imo were absolutely correct.
I'm a bit puzzled by two things (ignore No1 it doesn't matter)

  1. A lot happened in one minute - or did it have time to register with the woman (might be nd)
  2. The only way, if you exclude No1, that this makes sort of sense is if the woman thought the child was by herself and she didn't want her to run into danger (only you will know if it's a possibility).
Other than that it does sound dodgy....and tbf (and I'm not entirely sure why it should be) if it was a man I'd probably have said I'll call the police.....okay I kinda get it.

I think you may be spot on with the first hypothesis. I think it was someone who doesn't have a lot of experience with children, who figured she could help out, and my daughters reaction caught her completely off guard.
So I'm not saying off with her head.
I hope she learned a very valuable lesson.

Nr 2 doesn't seem likely. My daughter was clearly trying to look inside the enclosure, but unable to do so and just waiting patiently. The enclosure wasn't a dangerous place. I think there were penguins or something like that behind the fence. And she couldn't have fallen down or climbed in. There were no threats at all, and apart from the woman and her husband there weren't many other people around. If the woman had looked back, she would have spotted us walking towards her.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 14/08/2025 20:30

Weird!!
Well done OP and daughter!

ArmchairXpert · 14/08/2025 21:09

Trishyb10 · 14/08/2025 18:26

Ok, the woman took an unusual stance wanting to,pick your child up, but you teaching your child not to be touched??? Where do you live?beirut? never heard anything like it,step back and think about this, do you want your daughter to be loving,warm and open to others or scared and hard,hostile, she,l grow up scarred and scared of people, i,ve never heard anything like it. Your hubby is totally right..

You seriously never heard that you can say no if someone touches you and you don't want to? Is this the first time in your life that you've "heard anything like it"? Seriously?

Jamfirstest · 14/08/2025 21:16

yanbu. In some ways this isn’t really about the child’s condition. No one should have to tolerate being touched by a stranger without consent full stop. My DDs are NT but they wouldn’t have liked this at all.

it’s more than that.fear of being rude shouldn’t trump bodily autonomy.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 14/08/2025 22:37

Girlmom35 · 13/08/2025 21:05

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

I think you’ve done the right thing here. I understand the lady’s initial intervention but when your daughter said no, she should not have persisted. You’ve taught her to communicate what feels okay and not okay and that you will defend her when necessary. At the same time, you’ve taught her boundaries and that there will be situations where unexpected touching might occur for different reasons and how to behave. I think any adult who was repeatedly touched, whatever the reason, when they’d said no would rightfully be upset. Well done.

MoonWoman69 · 14/08/2025 22:45

Having been brought up in the 70s, there was none of this "affirming" and 'body autonomy"! We were correctly and rightly taught not to talk to strangers, to not wander off, to respect our elders etc. How hard is it to understand that some parenting strategies these days are really quite ridiculous?! Children are children, not little adults! No wonder they are growing up with issues!

I am in no way saying that if this situation actually happened, that the woman was right. She wasn't at all, but I still think it would have been far more valuable to explain to her that picking other peoples children up, when they don't want to be picked up, is not acceptable.