I'm proud of how I handled things. My husband thinks I was too harsh

[Girlmom35]

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

I mean - I often think the women on here are helicopters and totally OTT. However she's 6! Why didn't the woman ask her? And sometimes we all do crazy things when we arnt thinking straight (thinking of the time in the pissing rain when I picked up a womans child who I met 15 mins earlier and ran 20 yds to shelter with her! With my own kids too who knew child and woman well but still) but upon being asked nicely to be put down that's the time that she should have turned to your (very sensible and not over wrought ) child and said - I'm so sorry I was trying to help, do you want to see? Shall we try to find something to stand on instead? Because adults do sometimes read it wrong but just because they are kids doesn't mean you don't explain yourself.

Yes.
Like I said in my first post, I wrote it out but it all unfolded in under a minute. And I was there maybe 5 seconds after she started screaming.

To be fair, this isn't remotely the first time this has happened, except in the past it's always been people in our social circle, family, friends, my in-laws... So I'm not surprised at how often people will see a small child and think it's okay to pick them up or touch their body without asking permission first.

My daughter has always hated being touched. She even refused to be held or cuddled by me from age 4 months until she was 3-ish. So her reactions are extreme, but they are hers and they are valid.
People do have trouble understanding that just because she is familiar with them, she still won't feel comfortable being held. I've dealt with a lot of reactions from people who expect me to teach my child that she shouldn't complain because it's someone we know. I disagree.

What happens most times is that people think : give it a minute. If I keep doing this, you'll enjoy it eventually. So they hear her say no and cry and scream, but they ignore her boundaries because they think they know what's best for her.
Except my daughter doesn't get to that point. She goes into complete panic mode. There is no point where she relaxes and thinks "oh, I get it. Despite the discomfort of being picked up, I can now see the animals better. This was worth it"

I think people with children who don't have such extreme reactions don't realise how often people cross childrens' boundaries. Because many children, like my other daughter, wouldn't protest as much, so we don't make a big deal about it. That still doesn't make it okay though.

I think you did well not to hit her. Random person picking up my child? Think I would have gone in like a hurricane.

I would have gone far further than you did, I think you were very reasonable and restrained in the circumstances tbh. Well Done

You were right, the woman was 100% wrong.
I'm surprised your husband isn't supporting you.

I would have turned into a raging beast if anyone touched my kids without MY permission, let alone ignored their very clear instructions not to touch. She’s very lucky you didn’t sock her one.

I have a six year old, who doesn't have any genetic conditions, I would tell a stranger who picked him up to put him down immediately! It's so weird to pick up a child not known to you! Your daughter was politer than my son would've been if a stranger decided to manhandle him for no reason.

Why do you think it's ok for a stranger to pick up a child they don't know?! How odd.

Are you a paedophile apologist also? The child said NO. That is where it should have ended. No means NO and if we cannot teach our kids this in case we upset the poor idiot that touched a strange child then we are back to the days of Jimmy Saville etc.

I think the woman just wanted to help, as it is a natural human instinct when we see a little child struggling.
What is REALLY disturbing here is how many angry women claim they would have done something physically aggressive to that lady, suggesting they would have punched her!?
A theoretical situation bringing the worst out of people and making them so angry is utterly bizarre!

I’d have shouted “get off my child” or “what are you doing”. I think you were very reserved.

I think the woman just wanted to help, as it is a natural human instinct when we see a little child struggling.

Then ask if they want help, don't just grab them, and if they say no, leave them.

And your earlier Little Princess Syndrome comment was just snide and nasty

What a vile comment.

It is not remotely little princessy to expect complete strangers not to touch her.

It's also not remotely little princessy to expect someone to stop touching her if she says no.

I think the woman just wanted to help, as it is a natural human instinct when we see a little child struggling.

And ignoring her when she said no and being rude when she upset the child? That's not human instinct, that's being downright rude.

What is REALLY disturbing here is how many angry women claim they would have done something physically aggressive to that lady, suggesting they would have punched her!?
A theoretical situation bringing the worst out of people and making them so angry is utterly bizarre!

Whats really disturbing her is the people ignoring that the girl said no, and was ignored by the complete stranger who'd lifted her up.

A complete stranger lifting, and frightening, a child in any situation other than an emergency is completely out of order, and they should probably expect a parent to react strongly to their unnecessary, and clear unwanted, physical lifting on their child.

@BlunderbussvikingSo you’re in favour of manhandling random children who clearly object to it? What an absolute weirdo.
I hope you’re not a parent.

@blunderbussviking I hope you know you've really showed yourself up there with your nasty ableist comment. Imagine mocking a child's health condition.

Lets just think for a moment what it would teach a young girl when a complete stranger comes and lifts her, grabs at her, refuses to let her go when she asks politely and someone calls her a princess for it? How helpful do you think that would be in encouraging that child to safeguard herself or stand up for herself in future?

I sincerely hope you do better going forward.

If us parents don't use our voice to advocate in a more details way than a child can then stigmas will never be broken

Well of course your husband doesn’t get it - bodily autonomy is t something men don’t really need to think about 🙄

I think you were restrained!!

You were absolutely in the right and you should also be proud of your daughter. I can't stand random touching.

I think you are an absolute superhero and your daughter will see you as such.

It was not OK and you were remarkably restrained. Must have been very upsetting for you also, so make sure you have a good cry if you need to x

It sounds like your daughter was very clear. Id have defended her in your place as well, even if she’d eg bitten the lady as it wouldn’t have happened if she’d listened to a child’s no. A totally strange child at that!

You and your DD did everything right. I might have poked that woman in the eye too tho. What a psycho.

Your husband is wrong. This woman was completely out of line and hopefully your response will make her think twice in the future.