I'm proud of how I handled things. My husband thinks I was too harsh

[Girlmom35]

So, backstory.
I have a 6-year old with a genetic condition which presents itself much like autism. Not completely the same, but similarities. One thing she still absolutely hates, is when people touch her without her permission. A year ago she would have just started screaming when being touched or picked up. Now she's already at a point where she can politely but firmly say "don't touch me please, I don't like it".

I've been working a lot with her on bodily autonomy because I absolutely believe she has the right to decide who gets to touch her, but I also want her to understand that sometimes people have to intervene for her safety (like grabbing her when she crosses the road without looking). So she knows she's not supposed to touch anyone without consent, but people don't get to touch her either.

Back to today's events.
We were at the zoo as a family. She walked out ahead of me to look at an animal. I was walking with my slower 3-year old, but I could see my eldest at all times.
She reaches the fence and has trouble looking over it. She's patiently waiting for my husband and I to walk over and offer help.
There's a woman my age (35-ish) standing next to her. The woman doesn't ask permission or communicate with her at all. She just walks over to my daughter and attempts to pick her up.
At this point I wasn't upset. She was trying to be helpful, maybe in an unfortunate way but not every child would have felt as uncomfortable as my child.
My daughter responds as she's been taught and filmy says: "please don't pick me up". She also pulls away. Her body language was incredibly clear.
The woman ignores her, pulls her arm and tries again to pick her up.
My daughter gets upset and starts saying "no, no, no, stop, put me down!" and pushing the woman away.
Again, she gets ignored.. The woman says "I'm just trying to help you". She doesn't let her go.
At this point my daughter is screaming (it took her 15 minutes to settle after this, she was so upset).
The woman still doesn't put her down and even comments "stop being so difficult".
I have now caught up to them. This all happened in under a minute. I pull my daughter from this woman's arms and I'm not gentle pulling her hands off my daughter.
I am visibly pissed off and I said to the woman: "Let go of her. She said no. I do not want you touching my daughter against her will."

The woman was very offended. She made a hushed comment. I didn't hear it well because I had a 6-year-old crying into my ears and I was attempting to calm her down.
My daughter kept sobbing :" I told her no and she didn't stop". She also apologized for screaming at the woman. She was worried that I'd tell her off for not being polite.
I affirmed my daughter. The woman was still in hearing distance, but I told my daughter that she was right, that the lady had no right to pick her up without asking. That she had asked politely, but it was very understandable that she got upset when the woman didn't respect her no.
To which the woman rolled her eyes and walked away.

I was actually proud of myself. I've never been in this situation where I had to react quickly and I was afraid I'd freeze. But I intervened and protected my child above my need to avoid conflict or awkwardness.

My husband agrees that the woman was in tbe wrong, but he says I didn't have to rub it in.

Opinions?

That sounds so odd. The only time I would pick a child up is if they little and fell over and were upset. Even if they asked me to I think I’d ask where mum/dad is.

This is an excellent point: people treat children as if they weren't persons!
You absolutely did the right thing and your daughter did, too! I'm sorry she had a bad experience, but be proud of both of you!
As for your husband, is he a people pleaser?
And that woman was nuts.

That’s really not normal of her. I have a small toddler and am right in the middle of the helping my child physically and picking them up every few seconds years - often at soft plays or play parks etc there’s other toddlers milling about and sometimes they fall or need help, and it’s instinct as a small toddler mother to want to help BUT I always look around for the parent to check they’re okay with me touching their child, and communicate as best as possible with the child themselves to make sure they want my help before touching. Surely everyone has got to a point in the current world where you don’t go round touching small children you don’t know randomly!! I’ve had it the other way, where I was stuck with my baby and my nephew got in trouble on a piece of play equipment at the park and I was heading over to him as fast as possible but he was distressed and I could see the man next to him looking round to check if he could help - I nodded and he did but he checked first! That’s normal. I would be SO mortified and distressed to have made someone’s child cry, let alone scream and be so upset. I’d be endlessly apologising. That is all so weird and wrong of her.

To the person who called my daughter a little princess. And mocked her condition.

Your comment was removed, rightfully so, before I could reply. But let me be clear.
I feel sad for you and for those you're responsible for. Do you not believe that you have ownership over your own body? Do you feel that people (strangers) are allowed to touch you, pick you up, move you around?
Does the fact that they may have good intentions not make this an incredibly frightening and menacing experience?

And how on earth do we teach children the difference between those with gold and those with bad intentions? How are little children to understand the difference between someone helping and someone touching them for their own pleasure.
Guess what? They don't.
The best way and the only way to make sure your children are safe, is for us as a community to respect children's bodies and their bodily autonomy.

Now, my daughter and I have had to swallow a lot of comments about her condition through the years. The earliest was when she was 3 weeks old and cried all day, every day, and someoneclose to me asked me if I shouldn't have just aborted her when I had the chance.
Please don't think that you've managed to get to me in any way. I've heard worse.

What I do know is that my daughter is an amazing, caring, loving soul, who would never dare to say anything like what you've said about another human being.
She's a better person than you'll ever be.

I agree completely. If I saw a child struggling with something (and it doesn’t sound like your dd was) I would ask if they wanted help. I would only touch a strangers child if they were in danger.

I wouldn't punch anyone, but if a stranger picked up my child I would tell them to put him down immediately. It's so odd that you think it's ok to pick up children you don't know. Children have bodily autonomy too. At 6 a polite request not to be touched should be listened to, not ignored and a stranger shouldn't be touching an unknown child in the first place.
There are exceptions to this eg administering medicine but that would be fine by someone the child knows.

🙌💖

If it was a random man that picked her up would you also downplay it?

This was a deeply odd way for that woman to behave. YANBU

I think what you did was absolutely fine, if I'd seen a little kid trying to see something and no parents in sight I would ask them if they wanted me to lift them up for a better look, I wouldn't just scoop them up. If they said no thanks, that's entirely understandable, very sensible of them and I'd say ok. I'm firmly into the granny bracket and hopefully non threatening appearance to a child. For that woman to then keep on clinging on to your DD and not just give her back to you - that's just weird.

Wanting to help ? Fine. But.. there’s a way to do it. You move out of the way so the child gets closer, you engage in conversation and if you’re THAT desperate… you ask them if they want to be picked up/need help. You don’t just bloody pick them up and keep doing it when they say no.

Another chiming in to say you’re a superhero mum, and you behaved exactly right. I’m afraid that in that scenario I would have lost it and screamed at the woman, which would have been more upsetting for the child in that situation. Glad your DH has realised the seriousness of this. Men don’t think about these things.

Also the normal thing to do is ask if they’d like to be picked up first, fully expecting them to say no as a stranger is asking

The woman, probably a mother or grandmother herself, was only trying to be nice and helpful. Yes, ultimately, she was in the wrong, but you could've been more gentle with her.

Do you think the same when people “help” disabled/elderly people across a street for example? No hello, no asking , just grab them/push them along?

There seriously needs to be an eye roll emoji for this thread and I'll leave you to work out for which comments! 🙄

Bollocks. She carried on trying to force a child into doing something the child didn’t want to do. Imagine a man doing that, there’d rightly be holy hell to pay.

I think you responded very reasonably, I am not sure I would have been so restrained!

I agree. Can’t believe people here supporting this strange woman and what was the husband thinking? You don’t grab someone else’s child unless there’s a very good reason eg in danger and you definitely don’t carry on doing it when they’re obviously distressed. She sounds like a nutter.

Well done in every way; @Girlmom35
Superb behaviour from your DD, she is the absolute hero of this event.
I hope the rest of her time at the zoo was perfect, she deserves it and more.
(You should have put this in AIBU because you would have been 100% YANBU!)

I can't believe she refused to put your daughter down when you asked! How incredibly rude.

Helping would have been asking “would you like me to pick you up”. What idiot in this day and age touches an unknown child without asking, and carry’s on even when they say “no”.

Ok, the woman took an unusual stance wanting to,pick your child up, but you teaching your child not to be touched??? Where do you live?beirut? never heard anything like it,step back and think about this, do you want your daughter to be loving,warm and open to others or scared and hard,hostile, she,l grow up scarred and scared of people, i,ve never heard anything like it. Your hubby is totally right..

Agree. The post itself is written as it’s looking for applause. The truth is one of us were there so can only getting one side of the story. I often wonder what the other party’s version would be! Either way never touch another persons child is a good rule to follow. Other ways to have to affirmed your child without acting like a twat.

Yes the woman shouldn't have continued after the first time but I would have just say please don't take it personally, she doesn't like being picked up. Xx