Help - Sex and Touch being withheld

[HusbandAndDad44]

Dad here. 44yo. My wife of 13 years weaponises sex, and more recently, touch. She always has to some degree I guess but it has gotten unbearable. She’s aware I have a need for touch and have a high sex drive compared to her. She basically keeps it from me in a controlling way. She knows I need contact like occasional cuddles too.

To start with (before marriage) we had more frequent sex and straight after marriage it seemed to be only when she had the desire to. My advances would be regularly and firmly blocked in no uncertain terms.

Since then things have gotten much worse, with certain acts being withheld indefinitely, and frequency diminishing more and more.
Now, we have vanilla sex only, very limited foreplay (again, her choice) and probably once a month or often less, for 20mins or less - only when she chooses, and when we do it seems to come with reluctance, and ‘conditions’ attached.
“Let’s be quick” or “we have a 10minute window” or “no not here” or “not like that”

She never talks about sex with me or has any reference to sexuality in our daily lives (literally never). She has never expressed any fantasy to me, much to my frustration. “I don’t have any”

Over the years basic intimacy like cuddling has been taken away. I like a cuddle at night and as I sleep, but this has eroded to even just the hope of a two minute cuddle before we sleep (only).

Just last night we almost had sex but when I started to gently play with her breast and nipple, she got visibly annoyed and shouted at me for doing it the wrong way. It was “too sore” although I wasn’t rough.
This lead to her storming out and preferring to sleep in another room rather than engage when I was trying to talk to her and express I feel she never has time for me.

Anyway, I was unusually angered at work today - just as much about the refusal to talk about it and the assumption she’s right (again), as about the no sex thing.
I decided not to go straight home after work for a change, opting to go for a meal by myself and then an evening showing at the cinema after and thought to myself I won’t talk to her during this time.
It’s now 10:30pm and I’ve had 6 texts and 20 missed calls.

What has my life become? I feel utterly unwanted and deeply unsatisfied and alone.
I still love her and find her very attractive but my awareness of all the other selfish sides of her and ignoring basically all my needs (I think deliberately) makes it like ongoing torture to want to continue on like this.
I’ve tried the communication thing repeatedly - both sit down and chat and also things like ‘couples quizzes’ and things like that. Each time I’m shut down quickly as if I’m the problem, it strangely that there’s no problem, or the issue is deflected and an argument about an unrelated topic begins.

Help and advice needed please! In particular from a woman’s perspective, thanks

I don’t think there is a ‘normal’ libido. It’s not one or the other. Not sure why you’re so aghast at another woman’s reality

Not wanting to have sex with you isn't 'witholding' or 'weaponising' sex and it's disturbing that you see it that way.

I don’t agree with some of the previous replies. It’s nice to feel loved in a relationship and a lot of that does come from physical touch and sex so without that I would also be fed up. I’d maybe start by saying to her that when you cuddle in bed at night, you’re not always expecting sex, you just want to be close to her. Or if you kiss her in the day, it’s because you love her, not because you’re expecting sex that night. Maybe every time you cuddle or kiss she feels like if she does that then the expectation is for more but that might not always be the case? but you have to communicate that to her. Ultimately, if she still doesn’t want those things knowing there’s no expectations attached then it may be that there has been some love lost along the way which will be really sad for you to hear but you might need to hear it. X

Why are woman so horrible on this thread . OP am so sorry your going through this

@its5oclocksomewheresurely it comes down to want vs need then doesn’t it.

for me sex/exercise are wants - something I do prioritise is a want but it isn’t a necessity.
in my relationship it is about understanding that we both want those things in our lives and we work together to have them as priorities but with the understanding that things happen life gets in the way - DH for example is going through a huge work project in the middle of the summer holidays so the wants are having to take a back seat to the needs - which is making sure his job and mine are safe and the kids are fed!

so it isn’t a need it is a highly desirable want alongside other forms of intimacy which I don’t see there

i standby my harsh view

The women who are crying out for sex from a man who won't give them it.”

this is a male perspective if ever I saw one. Perhaps you have to have been raised and conditioned since puberty to see sex as something you’re owed, that you have “needs”, that women who won’t “put out” are “prick teases” who are denying you something you should automatically get. That you’ll get “blue balls” if your needs aren’t met by whatever hapless woman you’ve ended up with.

as I said, I’m a woman in a sexless marriage - sex isn’t something you’re given. It’s an activity both partners should enjoy and be enthusiastic about, not something one partner gives to another because that usually costs the giver something. Dignity, self respect, autonomy, the right to dictate when someone can touch or use your body. My relationship with my DH has a million other things going for it - sex is one small part. If sex was the most important thing to me I’d have left because as a sexual assault survivor I recognise that consent is the most important aspect of any sex.

You’re giving me the ick Eric and I don’t even know you.

@MakeMineADietCoke "You’re giving me the ick Eric and I don’t even know you."

Blimey, you shoved so many words in my mouth I'm struggling to breathe. Further dialogue is obviously pointless.

I would leave and not feel guilty about it

The women who are crying out for sex from a man who won't give them it. this is a male perspective if ever I saw one

I am a woman crying out for sex, and my DH rarely gives it. So you're talking rubbish.

You’re giving me the ick Eric and I don’t even know you

Something tells me that all men give you the Ick. 🙄

Holy crap on a cracker - I'm really hoping its just the way you are writing this OP, However - the way you are describing things - I really wouldnt want to sleep with you either! My boobs are my erogenous zone - and even i wouldnt want someone there twiddling ym damn nipple like its the key to my vagina! I mean.. Really?

Also I don't have fantasies, Dressing up is just weird, and i hate being held as i go to sleep. a quick hug before i turn over and drop off is more than sufficient!

Do you do anything for her to make her desire sex? do you cook, clean, take care of the kids? do anything for her that isn't an attempt to get sex?

Good lord. Have some self awareness

all the PPs who are sympathising with the OP - do you all recognise the importance of valuing your partner in ways other than sexually?

re-read the original post.

at no point does OP mention his wife (and mother of his child/children) in any other way than physical/sexual.

no mention of whether she's a good woman, a good mother, successful, funny, interesting, intelligent, caring, hard-working, creative.

there is no hint that OP finds any value in her other than that she's still attractive to him.

he's chosen this positioning on a predominantly female forum, to try and gain some sympathy/insight.

for me this is extremely telling.

OP - if you are interested in improving your marriage (including the physical side) - you likely need to entirely take sex off the table for a decent period - say 3 months. reconnect with your wife without having any physical expectations. talk to her about what's lacking for her outside the physical. this will likely start to help rebuild her trust in you, that every thing you "do for her" isn't just a way to try and get her to have sex with you.

remember that she's a person that has significant value to the world (and to you) outside of nipples and orifices.

I think you come over as pushy and entitled in this post and if this is how you approach your wife, I'm not surprised that she's unenthusiastic.Your feelings are valid - wanting to be physically close and being rejected is painful - and may mean you need to leave if communication and change are completely impossible, but so are hers.

Have you actually asked her? Because certain hormonal fluctuations or imbalances can absolutely murder a sex drive. Especially at her age. Has she had children? My PMDD was triggered by it. Suicidal thoughts, depression, feeling physically unwell, deeply anxious, no sex drive at all and revulsion of my own body all blight literally half of my life. For another quarter of it I’m bleeding. And the final quarter I am reeling but feel kind of ok.

I do all the things I can to correct it, exercise, diet, supplementary medicines. All the doctors do is try to ply me with antidepressants.

Have you even tried to talk to your wife about what she’s going through? Or just navel gazed about your frustration at not getting your dick wet as often as you’d like?

I really feel for you OP, I am waiting to hear more from you after all the responses (some less helpful than others!). I know how you feel.

My partner is 10 years older and seems to have zero need for sex or intimacy beyond a kiss and a hug and sitting on the sofa watching TV. He also prefers to sleep in a different room as he doesn’t sleep well otherwise (and still not well sometimes on his own!). I know many women who feel the same and would love this set up! But I am currently really struggling with this as it just makes me feel really unloved.

Unlike your situation though, I don’t feel like it’s weaponised at all. He just genuinely has very different needs to me. And in most other areas of the marriage we get along well.

One thing that changed things (for a bit!) was when I said I couldn’t be in a relationship without intimacy, it was unhealthy for me and I would have to ask him for an open relationship or for a separation. I suppose this was a bit of an ultimatum, but I didn’t know how else to get through to him. He thinks I’m a total sex pest for wanting to be intimate once a week! It’s not a great feeling to beg someone for sex, it’s not nice at all to feel like you’re forcing them into it so you just stop suggesting it.

You could say how you truly feel to her, and ask her why things are the way they are - make sure there’s not anything that’s annoying her about the marriage which makes her not want intimacy with you, like does she feel you don’t pull your weight in certain areas.

Then if she just won’t talk to you, you could decide to say you’re giving it until Xmas or some other deadline to see change happen. And after that time you are through with the marriage, because this is not a marriage in your eyes and it’s not healthy for you.

Good luck OP. I wish my partner wanted intimacy and cuddles like you do!

Wow. Maybe because we have empathy for the poor woman who has to live and sleep with him.

Agree fully , and he would be best of leaving her as he is thinking of himself , not good being in a loves marriage at any time, he needs to get ready , put money aside for himself so he can leave her , she probably be happier .

The fact she refuses to even speak about it sounds like a deal breaker.
She doesn't need to have sex and you don't need to become celibate.
What is imperative though is a decision as to how you both get your needs met. As she's not open to conversation, you've hit a brick wall.

Are you ready to end the marriage? It will be a better outcome than staying until you cheat. Unless, of course, you've worked out how to quench a high sex-drive without sex, frustration, resentment and ultimately- entitlement.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband couldn’t agree more - I ended my first marriage for similar reasons - he would go to pub/football -meet mates several nights a week, come back in , bang around loudly and deliberately , wake me up and then expect me to be up for sex at 11.45pm after an evening ironing and sorting kids out for next day. He wasn’t a horrible guy in lots of ways , just I think saw me as a housekeeper/hooker on tap whilst he kept up his social life as if he was single

The harsh truth is she doesn’t want to have sex with you, this will never get better, it’s not something she thinks about and is a hindrance to her. Something she has to endure. It doesn’t matter how much it is affecting you.. her not wanting sexual touch is priority.
So your options are to leave, or accept it.
This will NEVER improve.

She might not be communicating with you, which is unfair - and a dealbreaker in itself for me - but she clearly doesn't want to have sex with you. So you need to decide what to do with that info: you've tried talking about it, she's not interested. Do you want to stay married even if sex was off the table entirely? If not, then you need to end things.

I'm sympathetic - I've been the higher libido partner and it's miserable. But at this stage, she couldn't be being any clearer that she doesn't want sex and you shouldn't be having sex with someone who's only doing it to appease you. I wouldn't blame you for leaving, but I would blame you for sticking around trying to guilt trip her into changing her mind.

@HusbandAndDad44 you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. There's a word for that. Begins with R. Coercion that isn't violent is still coercion. Anything less than enthusiastic desire to participate from one's partner should be a total turn-off for anyone who is actually a decent person.

If regular sex within a mutually monogamous relationship is what is important to you then this marriage is over. If you feel you make a good team as parents and in all aspects of life other than sex, you could talk about how to have an open marriage and seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere, or you can accept a celibate marriage. What you can't do is make her want to have sex with you.

Take yourself back to the beginning, when you were first learning about her sexually, what did you find out about how to pleasure her best?

We know it wasn't nipple tweaking. It seldom is.

The very notion of Witholding is problematic, as it from the off suggests you see sex as something you are owed, or due from her. So many issues with your post. So little self awareness. Start there.

OP - if you are interested in improving your marriage (including the physical side) - you likely need to entirely take sex off the table for a decent period - say 3 months. reconnect with your wife without having any physical expectations. talk to her about what's lacking for her outside the physical. this will likely start to help rebuild her trust in you, that every thing you "do for her" isn't just a way to try and get her to have sex with you.

This is good advice.

I’m married and in your position so maybe lose the entitlement. Your husband doesn’t have to “give”you sex, just like mine doesn’t. Perhaps it’s you that’s talking rubbish

It doesn't sound like she is 'withholding' sex. It sounds like she doesn't want sex and isn't attracted to you. What are you doing to meet her needs? Not sexual needs, emotional and practical. When women go off sex it's often because they have gone off a man due to his behaviour. Are you doing your fair share of cooking and cleaning or are you like a child she needs to take care of? Are you taking her out for dates? Are you asking her about her day and how she is with a real interest? Are you still taking a pride in your self or are you skipping showers and leaving smelly socks around for her to find?