Dad disowned me over one comment- how do I fix it?

[erasemybrain]

Hi, this is long.
I have previously had a brilliant relationship with my parents. I'm married and have 2 children. We have always been very close. My DH has no parents and they have treated him like a son. They have looked after our children - we have never paid childcare. We recently had a week off work to renovate a room in their house. We do a lot for each other. I speak to my mom every day and my dad every couple of days if we haven't seen them.
We usually holiday together and have done for years. Dad used to pay for the holiday and now we do (power shift?). We do all the work, cooking etc. We also do all the driving once we have arrived. We often do the same things on holiday - throw backs to when we were kids, but it's a very democratic and organic process deciding what we want to do and we don't have to do things all together.
Anyway- this year may half term we were on holiday- dad was celebrating a big birthday while we were there. Other family has come along to stay nearby. Everything was going well, we had had a nice day. It was his birthday the next day. We sorted dinner and my teen was being a bit rude/cheeky to me (as is often the case, testing boundaries!). He has been at the accommodation all day with my husband and the rest of us had been a couple of places (ie I hadn't been nagging him all day!) I told him he had been rude and he took that on the chin because he knew he had. My dad said "oh will you give it a rest" I said "if you don't like it go somewhere else" - there were numerous other places to be other than sat at the table with us. He had already finished his food.
Well this lot the touch paper and he got his car keys and drove off. He had left his phone behind and we all sort of carried on as normal. My mom did ask him not to go but he left anyway. He was gone a couple of hours and by the time he came back we were all in bed- small accommodation you could hear everything. He came in and seemed even more angry than when he left. He went into his bedroom and demanded that my mom pack his case. She was begging him to stay. My DS who had been cheeky was sobbing and begging him to stay. My mom said she had chest pain and he ignored her. He was packing his things and I slipped out of the chaos and sat in his car. I hoped that then I could talk to him and apologise (even though I didn't feel what I had said had warranted that reaction- we are normally people who say what we think!) He locked me in the car and I couldn't get out. I could hear my son sobbing and begging.
I have never seen him behave like this before he was so so angry. I saw my husband standing in his was asking him to stay and talk. My Dad said he didn't want to hit him but he would if he didn't move. Again this couldn't be more out of character. I was very very worried. Someone let me out of the car and I went in to try and get him to talk but he was fighting us to get out. All I could think of what if he crashes and dies my son will be affected forever.
The neighbours started shouting for us to keep the noise down and my dad started shouting for help. The look in his eyes was wild and I really felt like I didn't know him at all. My mom was still begging him to stay.
We let him leave. He drove 200 miles home.
There was an aftermath of trying to contact him and make sure he was ok. Mainly other family members. He would only really speak to my son. My other younger son was in bed and terrified of the whole thing.
I text him the next day but he was accusing me of assaulting him and was still clearly angry.
He hasn't spoken to me or my husband since. This shows no sign of improvement. He thinks we did a terrible thing trying to stop him from leaving. I did send him and email explaining how worried for him we were (this seems to make him angry that we were worried) that we only tried to stop him from leaving because we love him etc, etc. That resulted in him blocking me.
For clarity my husband stood in his way and held his hands up to his shoulders and stood his ground. I hugged him to stop him leaving. Arms round his waist.
Please help me fix this. I miss him so much. It feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from. It was so out of character. I have thought some kind of medical issue but then why would he be carrying it on! I have told a few friends who know him (who have been on holiday with us and them) who can't believe it either!
Thank you so much for reading.

I also think you should stop trying to fix this. Leave him be and support your Mum and your relationship with her. He was ridiculous and your reactions were ott - he should’ve just driven himself home in the first place rather than return to the holiday cottage in order to purposefully create a scene.

Because it's quite possible that this man has been controlling and coercive all of OPs life. That's not easy to come to terms with or shake off.

OP was NOT rude to him. Her father should have kept his interfering mouth shut when she was talking to her son about his behaviour. Responding to his interfering rudeness by being straightforward is not rude.

You should all have let him leave instead of carrying on like it was an episode of Eastenders.

That said, doesn't sound like your mum's life is much fun, does it? Maybe talk to her about it.

I agree.

I think it's unlikely there's a medical reason behind this drama. You were rude to him, it turned into a complete melodrama and none of you sound like you're able to regulate your emotions properly.

For your children's sake I think you need to work on techniques for overcome emotional dysregulation.

What outcome do you want here?
Either you back down or he does. I don't see the latter happening so if you want your harmonious family life back you need to apologise unreservedly - for speaking to him the way you did, for the complete farce which followed and for questioning his sanity.

If you're drawing a line in the sand (and nothing wrong with that) then you'll need to accept things won't be the same going forward.

No, she was NOT rude to him. He was rude and interfering and she responded with a straightforward comment. Had her abusive father kept his interfering mouth shut while she was correcting her son, she would not have had to respond at all.

I'd actually ignore your Dad let him sulk until he eventually pretends nothing happened (he's obviously got form for this) His reaction to your remark was completely over the top, and I reckon once he'd thrown a bit of a wobbly he got embarrassed, was to proud to own his silliness, so he doubled down and it all got out of hand. My guess would be he gets a bit of a kick out of everyone begging him to stay and begging for his forgiveness and he's just making everyone wait until he bestows it.

I'd let him get on wiith it and devote all your energy t reassuring your poor DS that none of this is his fault and that his grandfather's reaction has been ridiculous and he is not to feel in any resposibility for how things have turned out.

The idea that one tantrumming man is holding his whole family to ransom and causing such a huge fallout over one off the cuff remark made in a moment of irritation (because he was interfering in your parenting) is beyond crazy.

Everyone saying she was rude to him, I don’t see it. He stuck his beak in when OP was telling her child not to do something. It was none of his business and he should have kept his mouth shut.

Op if this is out of character he needs to be checked medically. I’m sorry to say things like this can be early signs of dementia, especially lewry body which often presents as personality change rather than memory issues.
This does not sound like a rational response from him at all. But only you and your mum and family know what is normal behaviour from him.

Strong willed men and women in old age, ill health, the filter can go. It's a shock but you learn to adjust deflect if you live with them . For outsiders it comes out of the blue. For adult children and grandchildren it's like a bolt from the blue.

Right. I can't believe she allowed her poor son to grovel and plead with this abusive man. She seems to have been being abused by her father or watching him abuse others for so long she no longer realises what is normal or acceptable.

She should be keeping her kids well away from him, rather than actually driving her kids to his house to let him continue to enjoy abusing them.

I had a similar situation with my dad when my parents broke up. My dad had been unwell and apparently felt me and my brother hadn’t supported him enough. He wrote us really nasty, self pitying letters, which he delivered by hand (drove 30 minutes to both our houses so could consider what he’d written in that time) and the disinherited us.

We limped along for a few years trying to keep in contact but his new partner is a complete nightmare and I’ve given up. His new grandchild was 6 months old before he bothered to visit despite being invited repeatedly, he never contacts his older grandchildren either. When he dud come round, his partner would just talk incessantly and he’d just sit there.

sadly, my life is far easier without him in it. I used to try so hard to make him proud and it was never good enough.

Tell him to get a grip, DS is your child and you set the standards for his behaviour. You are allowed to tell off your own son if he's being rude to you.

I wouldn't be paying for any more holidays for your dad until he grows up. Just ignore him.

And you don’t tell a grown woman how to parent her son. You don’t interfere and disrespectfully undermine her by telling her to “give it a rest.” You don’t set a bad example for her son when she is addressing his behaviour.

OP’s comment was abrupt but a direct response to his rudeness and disrespect.

I didn't say that he was in the right to start with but telling him to go somewhere else if he didn't like it was a rude response to a rude comment.

Some families speak like that to each other, fine, whatever works for them, but for many people it's rude.

Getting hung up on whether it was or not - and there are different opinions on this thread- is a distraction.

The point is whether the op wants to resolve things quickly and get back to how things were (in which case, an apology is the quickest way to do so) or whether she's going to refuse to bow to this behaviour. In which case, grey rock it.

That the whole situation was unnecessarily inflammatory is indisputable.

This is abusive
Your poor mum
This is obviously who he is ,not a nice man

I agree with this - you told him to piss off, so he did! Then you all were ridiculous trying to prevent him from leaving

Nope, he should have kept his trap shut. She had every right not to have to deal with him, he was rudely interfering, and what she said was simply straightforward. He then went on to cause an enormous drama and clearly didn't get enough attention, so came back to make sure he got some, making sure they were all in bed and angrily demanding her weeping mother pack his bag.

What a nasty piece of shit he is.

He has form for being an abusive stonewaller, and OP allowed her son to beg and grovel and weep while he threw his abusive attention seeking tantrum after he made a point of actually coming back so he could leave - instead of just pissing off altogether as he could so easily have done - and all so he could cause maximum fuss.

And now this ignorant swine of a man has spent three months abusively stonewalling her and her children. What an absolute pig.

She needs to stop grovelling to her horrible father and just ignore him entirely and altogether. If he apologises and behaves himself in future maybe she could have a relationship with him. Maybe.

This.

She says when he falls out with her and gives her the silent treatment he will just suddenly act like nothing has happened.

It’s always been there OP.

Nah she took out the machete straight away, 100% she shouted as well. This happened ages ago and her Op is like she’s crying/shouting cause it happened just now

its obvious from the whole drama, everyone begging him, even the kids begging him

odd getting the kid involved, wasn’t even his fault

You mentioned that it was a significant birthday. How old is Dad now?

I wonder if his overreaction is the result of him feeling a loss of control in his life. You’ve started paying for the holidays and it sounds like you’re taking charge a lot more. His comment “Give it a rest” sounds like he thinks you’re being authoritative (regardless of whether you actually are). Maybe he’s feeling insecure about his role in the family as he gets older. He’s no longer in charge. His daughter is telling everyone what to do.

That feeling would be compounded by the family all fussing and worrying about him. You physically prevented him from leaving when he wanted to.. effectively treating him like a child.

I don’t know how you’re going to fix it but you might start with telling him you’re sorry for what happened and you’d like the chance to listen to him tell you how he feels.

I do think he’s massively overreacted but, if it’s out of character, then you have to at least try to put things right. That starts with extending an olive branch.

You and your DH didn’t do anything wrong 💐

Telling you to give it a rest was extremely rude and completely undermined you in front of your DS. Not good and I would have been livid with him (your dad that is).

Ignore him (I know how hard and upsetting that must be), and wait for him to come round.

If you chase a dog, it will just keep running.

I wonder if he’s got the start of dementia. That can trigger personality changes.

He’s used to his wife tiptoeing around him when he loses it, you’ve just never experienced it firsthand, I think as he is usually on his best behaviour round you and DH, your mum has wanted to spend a lot of time with you to shield her from his abusive behaviour. He is now treating you as though you abused him and being lovely to the kids, this is likely how he usually treats your mum and he treated you differently.
You might start thinking back when there has been times your mum has seemed on edge, appearing submissive and trying to jolly him along.

you've apologised, there's not much else you can do. I would see your mum away from their house in the future and leave him to it. he sounds like a spoilt child. he can't even talk to you about it in an adult way. step away from him it's his choice after all to not have anything more to do with you so respect that and go no contact.

Ah, you’re a man. So it’s acceptable for him to disrespect her but when she responds she’s crazy and hysterical.

His crazy hysterics are fine though and definitely not abusive at all. 😂