Dad disowned me over one comment- how do I fix it?

[erasemybrain]

Hi, this is long.
I have previously had a brilliant relationship with my parents. I'm married and have 2 children. We have always been very close. My DH has no parents and they have treated him like a son. They have looked after our children - we have never paid childcare. We recently had a week off work to renovate a room in their house. We do a lot for each other. I speak to my mom every day and my dad every couple of days if we haven't seen them.
We usually holiday together and have done for years. Dad used to pay for the holiday and now we do (power shift?). We do all the work, cooking etc. We also do all the driving once we have arrived. We often do the same things on holiday - throw backs to when we were kids, but it's a very democratic and organic process deciding what we want to do and we don't have to do things all together.
Anyway- this year may half term we were on holiday- dad was celebrating a big birthday while we were there. Other family has come along to stay nearby. Everything was going well, we had had a nice day. It was his birthday the next day. We sorted dinner and my teen was being a bit rude/cheeky to me (as is often the case, testing boundaries!). He has been at the accommodation all day with my husband and the rest of us had been a couple of places (ie I hadn't been nagging him all day!) I told him he had been rude and he took that on the chin because he knew he had. My dad said "oh will you give it a rest" I said "if you don't like it go somewhere else" - there were numerous other places to be other than sat at the table with us. He had already finished his food.
Well this lot the touch paper and he got his car keys and drove off. He had left his phone behind and we all sort of carried on as normal. My mom did ask him not to go but he left anyway. He was gone a couple of hours and by the time he came back we were all in bed- small accommodation you could hear everything. He came in and seemed even more angry than when he left. He went into his bedroom and demanded that my mom pack his case. She was begging him to stay. My DS who had been cheeky was sobbing and begging him to stay. My mom said she had chest pain and he ignored her. He was packing his things and I slipped out of the chaos and sat in his car. I hoped that then I could talk to him and apologise (even though I didn't feel what I had said had warranted that reaction- we are normally people who say what we think!) He locked me in the car and I couldn't get out. I could hear my son sobbing and begging.
I have never seen him behave like this before he was so so angry. I saw my husband standing in his was asking him to stay and talk. My Dad said he didn't want to hit him but he would if he didn't move. Again this couldn't be more out of character. I was very very worried. Someone let me out of the car and I went in to try and get him to talk but he was fighting us to get out. All I could think of what if he crashes and dies my son will be affected forever.
The neighbours started shouting for us to keep the noise down and my dad started shouting for help. The look in his eyes was wild and I really felt like I didn't know him at all. My mom was still begging him to stay.
We let him leave. He drove 200 miles home.
There was an aftermath of trying to contact him and make sure he was ok. Mainly other family members. He would only really speak to my son. My other younger son was in bed and terrified of the whole thing.
I text him the next day but he was accusing me of assaulting him and was still clearly angry.
He hasn't spoken to me or my husband since. This shows no sign of improvement. He thinks we did a terrible thing trying to stop him from leaving. I did send him and email explaining how worried for him we were (this seems to make him angry that we were worried) that we only tried to stop him from leaving because we love him etc, etc. That resulted in him blocking me.
For clarity my husband stood in his way and held his hands up to his shoulders and stood his ground. I hugged him to stop him leaving. Arms round his waist.
Please help me fix this. I miss him so much. It feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from. It was so out of character. I have thought some kind of medical issue but then why would he be carrying it on! I have told a few friends who know him (who have been on holiday with us and them) who can't believe it either!
Thank you so much for reading.

You're not going to like what I have to say. But, I'm going to say it anyway.
The way you describe your Dad, he is fine all the while its going his way. He has
complete control over his family, like Lord of the Manor. You tried to speak to him like an adult and he reacted in a completely irrational manner. He had not even calmed down when he arrived back to the cottage a few hours later. He ruined everyones holiday and his own birthday celebrations. He subjects your Mum to episodes of silent treatment and when he thinks she has been punished enough, he acts like nothing has happened. Everyone goes along with it and you all pander to him like he's the most important person in your universe. That is just so wrong on so many levels. He is a passive aggressive narcissist whose mask slipped when his daughter, and rightly so, gave him an opportunity to remove himself from her disciplining her son. He is not a nice man. He has you all jumping through hoops to please him. Yours and everyone else's feelings or wants and needs do not concern him, as long as he is the main focus of everyones life. Let him stew in his own miserable and controlling world. Visit your mum and just ignore him like he is'nt there. He will come crawling back. Whatever you do, do not apologise to him. You have nothing to apologise for. He should be begging for everyones forgiveness for acting like a complete jerk.

He sounds like an aggressive bully who can’t admit what he’s done wrong.

still waiting for an answer?

one of the most unpleasant features on MN are the multiple people on any thread who will find a way to blame the OP (and usually exonerate a man), no matter what the thread is.

Any other point in the story you could make a fair point about what OP could have done better, but you are the only one literally blaming her for something that happened before the dad started the whole argument, so I'm honestly interested to know why.

The dad had already involved himself in a conversation which had nothing to do with him, if she had gone into a different room to tell her son off he probably would have followed them, he was clearly so keen to get his oar in.

100% this

Why on EARTH do you allow him to watch tv with your children?!

He punishes your mother regularly by abusive behaviour and now he is punishing you. He sounds like a fucking narcissistic misogynist. Punish him the fuck back and withdraw his access to your children. Why should he get to enjoy their company while he’s treating their mother and grandmother like shit?

Keep them away to protect him from his negative influence and mental instability if nothing else FGS

Don’t be daft. This is not the first symptom of a brain tumour

@Kayakerpaddleboarder yes it sounds reminiscent of what's called a narcissist family cult. Which sounds all dramatic and new age bullshit. Yet, it is not.

Because these family dynamics are really common. There are always assigned roles with one parent who will be the narcissist leader. Everyone has the potential to behave appallingly in it, including all the enablers. OP, your mum is definitely an enabler.

Teenage grandson is under grooming as the golden child in waiting. Exact same thing in my family. My own son questions me if I set boundaries to abuse! Because it's all he ever saw as normal in the cult system until I said no bloody more if this shit and broke away ( no contact to significant low contact).

Mines headed up by nutty sociopath/ narc matriarch.

Messed up.

That poor man? Oh please. He was ridiculous at the time and even more ridiculous to still be sulking 3 months later. What an arse.

Yes, you are crazy to subject your family to this awful old bully. I hope have made it abundantly clear to your son that he should never grovel to a bully, if someone wants to storm off in a huff to get attention, let them, and that none of it was your or your son's fault.

Because she's grown up in a family where this is all normal. An outsider would observe my family and behaviours and say wtaf. Yet I did not. I blamed myself, believed I was this and that and lied to myself that awful behaviour was still love.

Reality is a completely different world that some won't ever see unless something compels them to start really questioning.

15 years of therapy later I did. And I'm no imbecile.

Normal is what you've only ever known.

They didn't physically restrain him - not remotely. That's his drama llama ding dong outlook on it, but he's a bully and an unreliable narrator.

He chose to come back after they were all in bed, he was raging because nobody had gone running around after him, so instead of just leaving as he could have done at any point, he waited till they were in bed, made plenty of angry noise , berated her mother and ensured everyone knew he was still throwing his weight around.

At that point he got exactly the reaction he had hoped for, everyone was distressed and deeply upset. Her poor poor son was weeping and begging, as was the dog he likes to kick regularly, her mother. The OP tried to hug the vicious old bully and her husband briefly stood in front of him until the old bully threatened to hit him.

He was not physically restrained, at all, he was asked not to storm off by a deeply distressed family who were only deeply distressed because he wanted them to be.

And he's been continuing to torture his wife, daughter and grandchildren for three months since then despite receiving numerous grovelling apologies from them all.

The only thing any of them have done wrong is not to simply go non contact with with the old bully until he learns to behave himself.

She says when he falls out with her and gives her the silent treatment he will just suddenly act like nothing has happened.

The silent treatment is abusive. You say this is out of character for him but maybe it’s just new to you that he’s treating you badly and manipulating you instead of your mum. Just leave him to it and don’t go to their house, just invite your mum to yours instead. Your dad is being an arsehole.

(Edit, this was a response to someone else, but the quote didn't work and I can't recall which comment I was responding to, sorry).
Correct. And I don't actually think he has hidden it, as such, it has just been perhaps more low key and directed at the dog he likes to kick, her mother, for the most part. It's normalised to them and her mother tries to smooth it over.

I don't think the OP normally stands up to the old bully at all, and when she made the perfectly fair comment that he could go elsewhere when he made his rude and interfering comment on her parenting, he was enraged because she normally does not stand up to him.

Regardless, it is clear it's not new behaviour, it's just not normally so overt - mostly likely because he normally gets his way and people run around after him. And there's nothing wrong with him except a malignant, bullying personality.

Absolutely this. And who knows what he is saying about her or to them while he has sole access to them. She needs to protect her children from his vile behaviour, not reward it by offering them up like sacrifices.

He sounds like an utter bellend. He's abusive to your mother and now you're getting it. Urgh. Enjoy the silence. Personally I wouldn't have my kids round him because let's face it what's stopping him doing the same to them? Nothing that's what.

What a massive man baby he is - tantrumming and sulking FGS and you all are running around him pandering to him. This is not normal OP

Please make sure your DC know this is not reasonable behaviour and that he’s in the wrong

It's wrong and minimising it is wrong. Should have just let him get on with his strop and told him that no-one would pack his suitcase for him.

Completely over the top drama from your father. Quite pathetic. Never beg someone behaving like this. Awful.

Is he mentally ill?

This on it's own would be a massive problem for me.

Just sending you a big hug. Am so sorry you’re in this situation. x

He's not speaking to you and he blocked you when you kept emailing and wouldn't stop. This all unfolded over a matter of hrs/days. Where's the part where he disowned you?