Help, my masseuse is living rent free in my head

[Atetherainbow]

Please be gentle. This is my first time posting in relationships and I’m hurting.

Quick background: I’ve been single for years, with a few short relationships here and there. I feel to busy to spend much time dating. I have an extremely interesting and active life, tons of hobbies, sweet kids, and a fantastic career. I also have a tendency for my mind to get obsessive over things, and sometimes this has manifested as obsession over men.

I’ve had a few extreme crushes in my life, or episodes of limerence. I hate it. The more I care, the weirder I get, which makes me feel less like myself and more tormented and unhappy. I don’t want to waste my life pining over an unattainable crush.

Now for what’s happening. For the last year, I’ve been seeing a masseuse at a place where no one speaks English except for a hired translator. It is a one-room spa with curtains, no real privacy, one translator, and everyone can hear everything, so I never really talk. The whole place is like steroids for limerence: cozy setting, dim lighting, and no words, just nudity and oil and slow music. You cannot say much, only touch and be touched. Someone comes into the curtained space and quietly and intimately touches you and occasionally checks that you’re okay. Then you whisper thanks and leave.

From the moment I first went, this male massage therapist walked in, and I felt chemistry. He came in while I was fully undressed, and I asked if that was okay. He said he did not speak any English at all. So I gestured a bunch of ways, and it turned into a comic back-and-forth. We laughed, and then he worked on me very lovingly. That broke the ice, and since then, he has been gentle and affectionate without words. Sometimes, if I have a bruise, he paused to look at it, never in a bad way, just with a little “hmm” or “ohh.” He often goes over time and always goes above and beyond.

Naturally, it was at first light fun, till it lit up my obsessive brain. I don’t like how much time I think about this man that I know nothing about. Recently, I fell off my bike and was pretty banged up. Through gestures and pointing, I told him about it. He seemed especially taken by it. Afterwards, he made a big show of not taking the tip, even jumping back to get away from me. Through the translator, he said he would not accept it because of my injury. I was touched, so next time I gave him a card with a thank you for his kindness with a little gift. On the envelope I put my phone number next to my name.

He has not contacted me. I am not sure if I freaked him out, or if my assumption is correct that he is married with a wife overseas, or something else. I do not know, but I want out of this mental merry-go-round. Do I just stop seeing him? Do I try anything more?

This can't be real. You go for a massage at a place that no one speaks Englis, you think your masseuse lovingly massages you and then you tipped him and left your number.

You're trying to give us the female version of a massage with a happy ending.

IF (and I'm not convinced) this is true. You should feel very embarrassed and stop going. Find a female massage therapist.

Right … so … where do we start on this one then ?! Lol

Nothing inappropriate about tipping? There’s no happy ending involved. I never touched him inappropriately, never made a single move. Intimate spaces can give rise to such feelings, it happens in therapy and in spaces where I’m on the receiving end of it. I wouldn’t judge it so harshly when I’m on the receiving end. We are human, is that so shocking? I never acted on it till he made me feel like he cares a lot and I decided to give him a token of thanks.

I’m definitely feeling very embarrassed, if that’s the appropriate feeling here. I would never have gotten myself into this situation intentionally. I’ve had male massage therapists and never felt this way. Stuff happens. Sheesh, I’m human. It spiraled, I gave him a card and little gift. My goodness, way to press the boot in, as if I don’t feel undone and pathetic enough.

What would be the point of him phoning you, if he speaks no English?

What you are feeling is normal. Don’t feel guilty. It’s a combination of dopamine release, transference and projection. You are only seeing a part of him, probably, the best one he is presenting to you. My advice- enjoy it as it is with massage therapist, do not initiate anything there. However, get FWB on a side to satisfy your urges or a good vibrator.

He can text me! He’s used google translate with me a few times to communicate so he obviously can do text. He has tried to talk to me by using speech input on his phone but I feel super uncomfortable talking to him there via google translate because it’s a fishbowl and everyone hears everything. But I’d talk to him via text. I just want to know if I’m crazy and imagining things, in which case I’d stop seeing him, or if he’s expressing something to me.

I don't understand why you asked for advice here, but you're getting upset with everyone who responds. Were you just looking for affirmation?

You're not "hurting," you're lusting after a professional. He's not touching you "intimately" or "lovingly" or "affectionately," he's touching you because he's a masseuse. He touches everyone who comes to see him in exactly the same way. He avoids their bruises and expresses sympathy when they hurt themselves. It's his job.

You say "Nothing inappropriate about tipping? There’s no happy ending involved. I never touched him inappropriately, never made a single move." But you did make a move! You tipped him and GAVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. You're giving him money and asking for sex. You treated him like a prostitute, and you're surprised he hasn't taken you up on your offer.

It's also totally inappropriate that you were naked when he walked in, and THEN you asked him "if that was okay." It was too late by then. You should have asked him before.

If any of this was happening to a male customer with a female masseuse, you would (I hope) immediately understand how inappropriate it is.

Stop with these "stuff happens" and "sheesh, I’m human" excuses for behaviour you know is inappropriate. You can use those excuses for a crush - you can't use them for what you've acknowledged as an obsession, one of a series of obsessions with men, and you can't use them for behaving in a way that constitutes sexual harassment. Stop it.

You say "I never acted on it till he made me feel like he cares a lot," but people who sexually harrass others frequently use this excuse. They persuade themselves that people are giving out signals or invitations when they're not. You're masseuse acted LIKE A MASSEUSE, because that's what he does for a living. It's not an invitation for you to sexually harass him.

If you're "tormented and unhappy," "undone" and "hurting" it's because there's something going on that you need help for. Not from a masseuse you've developed an infatuation with, but from a psychologist or a psychiatrist who can help you to control these obsessions. Sort yourself out before you distress this man further. And in future, don't take your clothes off BEFORE asking a professional if they're okay with that.

It's not remotely normal! She's acknowledged that she has a pattern of developing "obsessions" with men that make her miserable. She's developed an obsession with a professional whom she's paying to work on her, and interpreting his work as love and affection. She was naked the first time he ever walked in the room, and only then did she ask if that was okay. He doesn't even speak her language and she thinks he's sending her signals. Then she gave him money and added her phone number.

If a man did this to a female masseuse, you'd be calling it what it is: predatory.

I just want to know if it’s just in my head or if there’s a chance he could be interested. I’m a little too in my head for perspective.

I was naked because I had a different treatment before that for which they told me to get naked. I had a session booked with him (which only he does) right after and the services were back to back. I’ve overheard lots of comic situations in this place with the language barrier and nudity, lots of people have no clue what to do and the service workers hardly blink.

I’m so not the type of person to throw myself at a massage therapist naked lol.

Re tipping. Tipping at these Asian spas is mandatory. Service workers there make all their income on tipping. When he’s refused tips multiple times, including giving me back half a tip once and telling me I tip too much, I read into it. What set this whole thing off now was he refused the tip very firmly, like physically not allowing me to slip him the money. He said absolutely not- since I am injured he won’t accept any money from me. I was very touched by the gesture so the next time I gave him a thank you card.

Ok it is in your head and leave the man alone. Clear enough?

It's 100% in your head. He treats every client he has exactly the same as he treats you.

You've barely spoken to him to even start to build a connection. Everything you are seeing as a sign, is something he is being paid to do and does to everyone.

Okay, thanks for the head wobble.

I'm afraid I agree with pp that this is all in your head and you are applying meaning that isn't there. Leave him alone and seem some mental health support for your obsessions.

My only other thoughts are that this whole operation sounds like a modern slavery nightmare with a room full of staff who can't speak English and one translator, you really should avoid the whole place.

Yeah definitely true. Chinese workers working 6 days a week, 12 hour shifts, for pennies. I’ve often been so uncomfortable with the moral implications. I’m not sure how avoiding it would help things, but many times I’ve not gone because the whole situation is reminiscent of slave labor to me. It also looks like these workers all smoke like chimneys to keep going for so many hours. Very sad.

Not that it matters, but I can't stop myself: if he's male, he's a masseur, not a masseuse.

You seem to have a strange moral compass OP. You seem to feel discomfort at the idea of people being used as slave labour but happy to subject one of these people to unwanted and inappropriate advances.

I do think you should stop visiting the masseur. For a start, he doesn't speak much if any English and possibly can't decipher numbers. He could well be exploited. He has not attempted to "mime" that he is in any way interested in you. In all likelihood he has a wife and/or children back home. You are a client and it's his job to be pleasant. You are in real danger of making a fool of yourself. Believe me, he is not thinking a lot about you. If you keep seeing him you are feeding a baseless obsession. My very good-looking dermatologist eventually had to stick a photograph of his wife on his desk to discourage all the hopeful women who mistook his professional courtesy as being a sign he was especially fond of them! (I am immune to this of course as I'm married and just don't have romantic thoughts about anybody I discuss my pustules with.)

None of them speak English?

Is this like one of those Asian nail bars where they are brought in, often illegally and forced ro work long hours for a pittance and have to live in one room with all the others?

The whole set up sounds dodgy and you’re contributing to it.

Unless of course you’re not in the U.K.

Eww.

The whole thing- eww.

Everything that @PipilottaDelicatessa said. Please stop trying to make this something romantic and harmless. You sound deluded and unhinged. And as PP have said - this establishment sounds illegal and possibly trafficking people which is a much bigger problem than your imaginary romance.

So you agree it's modern slavery but yet you return?

If it’s not slavery, it’s certainly by my book a form of human rights abuse. I don’t see that withholding patronage is the solution. I think these are issues that have to be solved on a systemic level. From my side I feel the role I can pay is tip well, which I do always.

If he doesn't speak English how on earth could you even know enough about him to have any deep feelings beyond attraction? You don't know a thing about him and he doesn't about you. You can't conduct a relationship by text. Go see a female masseuse and keep your knickers on.