Help, my masseuse is living rent free in my head

[Atetherainbow]

Please be gentle. This is my first time posting in relationships and I’m hurting.

Quick background: I’ve been single for years, with a few short relationships here and there. I feel to busy to spend much time dating. I have an extremely interesting and active life, tons of hobbies, sweet kids, and a fantastic career. I also have a tendency for my mind to get obsessive over things, and sometimes this has manifested as obsession over men.

I’ve had a few extreme crushes in my life, or episodes of limerence. I hate it. The more I care, the weirder I get, which makes me feel less like myself and more tormented and unhappy. I don’t want to waste my life pining over an unattainable crush.

Now for what’s happening. For the last year, I’ve been seeing a masseuse at a place where no one speaks English except for a hired translator. It is a one-room spa with curtains, no real privacy, one translator, and everyone can hear everything, so I never really talk. The whole place is like steroids for limerence: cozy setting, dim lighting, and no words, just nudity and oil and slow music. You cannot say much, only touch and be touched. Someone comes into the curtained space and quietly and intimately touches you and occasionally checks that you’re okay. Then you whisper thanks and leave.

From the moment I first went, this male massage therapist walked in, and I felt chemistry. He came in while I was fully undressed, and I asked if that was okay. He said he did not speak any English at all. So I gestured a bunch of ways, and it turned into a comic back-and-forth. We laughed, and then he worked on me very lovingly. That broke the ice, and since then, he has been gentle and affectionate without words. Sometimes, if I have a bruise, he paused to look at it, never in a bad way, just with a little “hmm” or “ohh.” He often goes over time and always goes above and beyond.

Naturally, it was at first light fun, till it lit up my obsessive brain. I don’t like how much time I think about this man that I know nothing about. Recently, I fell off my bike and was pretty banged up. Through gestures and pointing, I told him about it. He seemed especially taken by it. Afterwards, he made a big show of not taking the tip, even jumping back to get away from me. Through the translator, he said he would not accept it because of my injury. I was touched, so next time I gave him a card with a thank you for his kindness with a little gift. On the envelope I put my phone number next to my name.

He has not contacted me. I am not sure if I freaked him out, or if my assumption is correct that he is married with a wife overseas, or something else. I do not know, but I want out of this mental merry-go-round. Do I just stop seeing him? Do I try anything more?

OP Please ignore and leave the thread. Oh my goodness such unkindness on this forum.

I don't think people are being unkind at all and she certainly isn't a lovely person as some have said. Ignoring all the obsession, romanticising and angst on the part of the OP, she is willingly paying peanuts for slave labour from someone who has clearly been trafficked. He is working and gathering tips that will go straight to his "boss". He will not be seeing a penny of the money and will no doubt be living in absolute squalor with the other trafficked workers. It is unconscionable that she is attending this place and has not reported it and is wanting sympathy for her own issues. Her post should have been: "I accidently went for a massage at a really cheap place where the workers don't speak English, work in tiny areas just separated by curtains and have clearly been trafficked, how do I go about reporting it?".

Isn’t this a emotional support forum for the people posting? That's how I understood it.

I don’t know what it’s like in the UK but in the US establishments of overworked immigrants are par for the course of the “American Dream”. Many, many people from all over come here of their own volition and work themselves to the bone to try to “make it”. They are part of the huge operation of immigrant labor that make modern standards of living possible for born Americans. I’m not saying it is good or bad, it’s complicated, it’s probably both, but it’s definitely everywhere and built into our lives. This massage service is a tiny instance in the larger story of our economy. It’s nothing unusual. If you’re an American citizen in the big city you’re living, breathing, benefiting constantly from these workers.

I would venture to guess that most mumsnetters live a lifestyle made possible by this class of laborers, be it if the laborers work in the UK or if they live abroad and make products that you live, eat, ride, decorate your home with.

Asian massage places with overworked, perhaps illegal immigrant workers, are only a tiny part of the invisible network of workers that toil away to make our lives possible. Unless the commenters here can honestly say they don’t buy stuff that is sourced from slave labor overseas, don’t get deliveries and so many services of modern life, this whole pearl clutching over “he is trafficked” is absurd.

He and his colleagues are here in the states because they want something America has to offer, and probably hope that by working hard their children will not have to toil like them. So many children of Asian immigrants go on to be our white collar class.

Not if that involves lying to them and pretending their behaviour is ok. If you haven't sexually assaulted anyone, you are very clear on that. She wasn't at all, so may have.

I didn’t sexually assault him. I can’t believe in a low moment I let a bunch of internet commentors convince me of that.

Well you did say 'I don’t think I ever touched him inappropriately or him me' , so that sounded unsure to me.

Everything else aside, I'm a bit confused by what your intention was, or what you hoped would happen, after giving your number to someone where there's a sizeable (if not insurmountable) language barrier?

Say you were right and he had reciprocated your feelings, how would it work forming any meaningful connection with someone who you can't practically communicate with?

This is not an emotional support forum for the poster?

What is the function of this forum then?

To talk through issues and get a range of opinions. Which she did. Not to validate without question.

It’s a discussion forum for a wide variety of views and opinions.

It’s not here to validate and give blind support regardless

No, Mumsnet is not an emotional support forum, why would you think it was? It is a discussion forum. People come to get opinions and advice. Sometimes that entails emotional support, sometimes it entails a kick up the proverbial. I flat out refuse to emotionally support someone who thinks it's okay to support people trafficking and is just "par for the course". Utterly shameful.

"par for the course"?
"nothing unusual"?
Trafficked workers should not be either of those things, how can you be so casual about it?

"If you’re an American citizen in the big city you’re living, breathing, benefiting constantly from these workers."
" pearl clutching over “he is trafficked” is absurd."

You clearly know absolutely nothing about people trafficking. That poor man has probably unwittingly been sold the "American Dream". He will have been told that for just a small amount, he will be illegally got into the country where he will be a free man and make lots of money. Just like you think is happening. What that actually means his life is worthless, he will never earn a dime that is his. He is a slave. Every penny he earns massaging people who think he is happy, generously (as per one of your earlier posts) tipping him will go to his "boss". He cannot ever go back to his home country as he will be arrested when he tries to leave as he won't have a passport. Trafficking goes on because of people like yourself who blithely think this man is happy and living the "American Dream". He is not. So yes, I WILL clutch my pearls and if I were to ever stumble into a place like you describe, I would be reporting them, not falling in love with a slave and lamenting my lot! You should be ashamed trying to make excuses and normalising such a terrible thing. That poor, poor man, please educate yourself about the difference between immigrants that get into the country and legally work, and make a good life for themselves and those that are trafficked which given the surroundings you describe is what's happening to that man.

The power imbalance between a rich paying customer and a trafficked man is disgusting. Of course he was nice to your face, even if you touched him inappropriately. His choices were limited.

Well, look - we’ve all gone a bit nuts under stress. Hopefully you can draw a line under the fact that you had a bit of a reality slip and move on. You went to seek comfort and ended up going obsessive, and as the PP who had a breakdown said, sometimes we’re just desperate for someone to be kind to us in a hard time.

Someone really does need to report this place for possible people trafficking though.

I think validation is different from agreeing. To the person who talked about "validating without question".

My understanding of validation is "confirming another person's view of reality back to them"

I think when someone posts here with something that is bothering them they would like (gentle) pointers to help them understand themselves.

So that's what I try to give them. That's what's also helped me with similar issues.

When I read opinions that sound like they are being stated like "she certainly isn't a lovely person" , "people are merely astonished at your attempts to justify your pervy behaviour" as if these were facts then I think it's unhelpful and often deliberately unkind.

Even if emotional support were not the point, these sorts of statements seem to be made to look down another person rather than respectfully share different opinions.

That's just my opinion. It has very little to do with the poster in question.

Personally, I posted here for help.

I think it’s what motivates the majority of people who post on mumsnet. They look for help.

As a commentor, I try to say something that’s helpful. Oftentimes it isn’t what OP wants to hear so I try to say it tactfully.

The responses to this particular thread were just mean.

This site can be amazing. I wish we had something like this in the US. Many here really try to give their view from a serious place. But there are lots of assholes who enjoy hurting others and pretend it’s just facts. I really don’t think it adds anything valuable to anything.

I thought, if he’s single and I’m single, we could get together. Didn’t have to be anything serious.

I thought, if he’s single and I’m single, we could get together. Didn’t have to be anything serious.

Soft soaping doesn't always help. I got some responses once that were a bit brutal, but on reflection were correct. If I'd had a load of validating waffle, I wouldn't have sorted the situation.

Any interaction with this man with whom you could not communicate would not have worked.

That is true.

I still don’t understand. If the posts here were so awful and mean that they destroyed your mental health, why did you restart the long dormant thread? There had been no posts for three months and was not active or trending. Until you restarted it.

Just go on normal dates OP and meet some men the traditional way. You say you’re too busy for dating for how much time and energy have you expended on the situation? It would be much more straight forward to do internet dating or meet men other ways who you know are available and want to meet women.

Also, if this thread made you feel so bad, why have resurrected it after many months?

You are absolutely unreal @Atetherainbow that you recognise this… but still you go. And your only concern is whether he likes you?!!

You..and customers like you.. are the reason these places exist.

Get a grip of yourself and do better.

Yes, this is beyond bizarre. The only reason I can think is attention?