Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

This is so cringe. He obviously fancies her. How long until it turns into more than just fancy. Trust no one I’m afraid.

This would give me so much anxiety...
eurgh im so glad im single!!!

I've said it's normal in the gym. And you think the gym isn't a geeky hobby then yes, I'd say you haven't stepped foot in a gym, or at least not a serious weights gym. Its incredibly nerdy. There are percentages and stats and RPEs!

If you have a cheating husband or someone you can't trust, that's on you to deal with. Or the OP in this case. I'm not suggesting there's nothing wrong - he's clearly got a soft spot for her and wants her to see him in a good light, by not being like his mates. But again, either trust him or don't. Don't focus the attention on the girl at the gym.

And well done on the stereotyping, but my DHs Warhammer group is at least a third women. Mostly younger women in fact.

He's your husband. I'd simply say "I'm unhappy with how this is going, if you respect me you'd change gyms". See what his reaction is.

Get yourself out of the house doing your own thing. Meet someone new yourself.

“And well done on the stereotyping, but my DHs Warhammer group is at least a third women. Mostly younger women in fact.”

@Hibernatingtilspring good for you and your DH!
Honestly I have a personal trainer so I go to the gym and it can be quite sexually charged if you don’t just focus on your work out. Some Men and women alike are there for attention and happy to chat each other up. Your first post came across that the op and posters were in an unreasonable frenzy for no good reason!

Not sure about meeting someone else but agree with MyQuirky about getting out yourself and doing your own thing.
Let him start wondering what you’re doing for a change.
Distance yourself abit and when he’s going on about the gym just give a ‘ah that’s nice’ and carry on with what you’re doing.

I think it's a bit controlling to ask a partner to change gyms because they have been chatting to a member of the opposite sex. She hasnt even met the girl or observed what's going on yet. First thing to do would be to start going with him a few times to gauge things.

He thinks he’s told you just enough to make it ok. He’s laying the groundwork in case anything comes out.

He wants to shag her. She probably wants to shag him. Whether they are or not, I don’t know. But what he is doing is disrespecting you appallingly.

How old are your children? If he goes to the gym every day, is he just leaving you to look after the children? Do you get time to yourself when he looks after the kids?

He has definitely got mentionitis and him discouraging you from going to his gym rings alarm bells. He spends time every day with this woman and then spends a lot of time at home talking about her to you. He sounds more invested in his relationship with her than he is with you. At some point he will have asked her questions about her job and relationships and I'm sure that she has done the same to him. I think that he has lied.

I'm sorry OP but this is a very bad sign.

I do get that sometimes it's just awkward to bring up one's spouse too early in a conversation, especially if you barely know someone and don't want to be presumptuous about them fancying you, or the conversation is very much about one topic, but there is NO excuse for not doing that now, given how regularly he sees her.

I've personally experienced this this before with men where they had good, obvious opportunities to bring up their wives or girlfriends into the conversation with me, but didn't. Opportunities where they could and should have said - 'Oh my wife loves that too!', or 'We went there last summer', but instead, they've remained silent, or 'We' becomes 'I went there last summer', erasing her out of them picture, when she would have been there with him the whole time.

Psychologically, every time they do that, they're making themselves single, in those few seconds. They can't bear the thought of that woman's attention drying up, of her going cold on him (which would happen with a lot of women if he mentioned his wife), so they don't mention her.

This is not the behaviour of a man who is secure, committed and invested in their relationship. It's the behaviour of a man who is probably a bit bored and wants to feel the thrill of romance again, and given he's now following her fitness page on top of seeing her multiple times a week, he's dancing very close to their flame.

Oh Jesus this keeps getting worse the more I read your posts.

The whole thing about him lifting his heaviest weight - I bet he felt like a king that day. The fact that he's trying to put you off from coming to them gym - also a big red flag in this context.

He doesn’t wear his ring as it’s ‘dangerous’ to wear it at work or to the gym. His photo on his socials is just of him

Does he ever wear it??

How many photos does he have of you together on his social media, that would be obvious or very easy to find? Ask yourself - if I were a single woman having a quick look at his socials, how obvious would it be that this man is happily married?

Urghhhhhh it does sound like he fancies her OP I'm afraid.

I don't know what I'd do here. I really feel for you. He's being a complete tosser and risking his family by indulging this.

My DH began a flirtation with an exercise friend. It was very nearly the end of us when I found out. If there were no kids it would be over now. It was 8 months of him in the spare room and lots of therapy. He also cut contact immediately.

I think you need to talk to him and make him realise that he is putting your marriage in jeopardy. I would say very plainly that you find it very unattractive and you're struggling to see a future with him. A man who doesn't prioritise his wife and family and instead feeds his ego is not much of a catch.

jesus wept. Do not message her. You will look unhinged. She’s not your problem. He is.

Every woman should lift weights and it only gets more important as you get older. Whether he’s being inaproppriate or not it’s time for you to invest in a healthy old age- Time to sign up op, book in for being given a starting program :). my wedding ring has never been a danger factor but granted I don’t lift heavy weights.

This is a classic, textbook situation OP. Of course he want to shag her. Is he really going to the gym everyday? I'd also say (at the risk of getting flamed) that men rarely ever have female friends because they appreciate their witty conversation or intellect. When the chips are down is all boils down to bums and tits.

My ex commented on a woman saying “I always recognise her because of her hooked nose” when actually he’d been cheating on me with her for months. They’re now married with children and he has recently cheated on her. It sounds like he’s putting you off the scent (from bitter experience).

He is taking the piss. I wouldn’t like that, so disrespectful. How he thinks this is ok for you I have no idea. Would he like it the other way around?

If he's saying things like "she's too young for me" not "I'm married and I love you" then he's being disrespectful. Should a wife should have to chase a husband like this - what was the point of getting married if he isn't putting her feelings and concerns first?

It's not at that stage yet though. He is simply chatting about someone he knows from the gym. If he was to say "I wouldnt try to shag her I'm married" it implies he might if he wasnt married. Ideally he would combine the "she's too young for me" with the I'm married stuff but that will be for the next convo they have about the situation.

No, there's no need to say 'she is too young for me' because he is married so it's irrelevant. The fact that he even said it is disrespectful. And shows he does not think of himself as a married man. And wants his wife to know that.

Dropping her into conversations is a classic sign op. Sorry but he clearly fancies her.

I think it's a natural response when your partner is potentially accusing you of wanting to cheat on you. He/she isnt my type. The OP hasnt said they have had arguments about this, that she has got upset in front of him. If he wasnt reassuring her under those circumstances that wouldn't be nice, but it sounds more like OP hasnt actually got to that stage of conversation with him yet.

He was telling her randomly 'all my friends fancy her but she's too young for me'. Not in an argument. Just in passing.

That's what I said- they havent been in an argument about this situation (well OP hasnt said they have) she hasnt said she has got upset with him yet. It's up to OP to talk to her partner about her concerns. Or she can go to the gym and observe first before deciding what to do. Only she knows her husband and how he treats her.

I’m pissed off at him just for his suggestion that women would only be interested in doing cardio in the gym!!