Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

Would it be the worst thing in the world if he did fancy her?

He’s never told her he’s married?? He doesn’t fancy her because she’s too young but not because he’s with you?

Oh please.

Initially, I thought about how many more women lift weights now than when I went to a gym. So thinking friendships might be made because women are more likely to be in what had been (in my experience) men’s territory. I was always made feel uncomfortable when I used free weights and hardly ever saw other women use them.

But then I read that out of all his friends he is the only “nice guy “ that isn’t perving over her and he’s learned all that personal information about her but never mentioned you. He’s made a lot more effort to get to know her than his friends and I think he’s keeping you secret. Men and women who are friends don’t hide their relationship status.

If yours was a newish relationship, I’d say cut and run but that’s not possible 10 years in. Unless it is - then go because if it is an affair or the prelude to an affair he is going to lie and gaslight you until either it fizzles out or he leaves you .

You could join the gym and surprise them, introduce yourself to her. She’d probably be appalled to learn he has a partner or at least be suspicious about his reasons for not mentioning you. But would that make much difference now? I’d feel embarrassed doing that and I wouldn’t feel it resolved the fact he’d been developing this friendship and keeping quiet about me.

Fancying someone isn’t a big deal. Keeping quiet about your partner is.

I am not on the same page as everyone else here. I talk to men at my hobby and I tell my husband things they've said or done. Some of them might know what car I drive. I know other people's schedules if it's always the same days. I don't wear a wedding ring and neither does my husband. Most of them probably know I'm married though but only because my husband is also involved in the hobby. I only really chat about the hobby not personal life so wouldn't really come up in conversation otherwise. In fact there's a few women at the hobby who I talk to semi regularly and I have no idea if they are married or have a partner, same with the men. I only know when their partner also does the sane activity.

We don’t know he’s done that.

Definitely go to the gym (you may even find he isn't there the days he says he is. I'd follow him tbh). I'd also take him lunch into work and make sure to tell everyone he is your husband. Because if he doesn't wear his ring to work it's possibly so he can hit on women there too.

You need to start getting actively involved in his day to day life. Not in order to keep tabs, but to make it clear to anyone he's lied too that he's married and to find out more clearly what he's been up to.

Post some photos of you two and link it to his social media. Wedding ones, ideally.

Then you can divorce him with confidence.
He's taken you for a mug for far too long. Time to get a bit of payback.

I would be so embarrassed if my husband invited someone I talk to at the gym for dinner. That would be so bizarre. Hobby friends are quite often just hobby friends.

It’s a gym crush op. I see it all the time at my gym. Older guys chatting to much younger women under the guise of being impressed by how much they lift. There’s even a name for them; ‘gym dads’. Personally I wouldn’t worry about it tbh. Yes there is likely an element of flirting going on, but it’s very unlikely to leave the gym. If he ever mentions meeting up with her anywhere else, that’s when I would start to be concerned.

You mean as embarrassed as he's made op by telling her all about his flirting sessions with a younger woman? Oh...poor him xD

A 'you must come to dinner sometime' is not a big deal. If you're hanging out with a married man one on one then of course you need to be prepared to meet his wife and show things are all
above board.

He should have introduced them by now.

I’m thinking is he talking to her more than he usually would as a way of showing off in front of his friends. Look at me, I’m talking too / getting close to the girl you all fancy. I’m more of a lad etc etc. If true, pathetic I know.

It's not clear hes been flirting with her.
Of course it's not normal to expect to have to go for dinner with a bloke you chat to at the gym and his wife. How would he have introduced them already. Oh can I just drive you to my house quickly so you can meet my wife.

If you're getting up and close and personal with someone who isn't your wife, you find a way.

You most certainly, name drop about being married too.

There's no excuse.

He sounds like he’s about 18 ffs

Could you drop in at the gym and introduce yourself?

Actually...I was trying to think if the roles were reversed, how I would introduce my partner. And I realise that situation wouldn't occur because there's no way, as a married woman, I'd get that close to a man down the gym. It's not ok!

What do you mean that close??? Men and women talk at the gym all the time. How odd

Im trying to figure out how wearing a wedding ring is dangerous at the gym? I think you are right to be concerned, and I know a lot won’t like it on here, but I would check his phone.

Nahh I’d be packing up and we would be moving. Cross country. And changing phone numbers. And names.

I’m kidding, your husband is acting single. You should start acting single too. When DH takes his ring off he puts in on his necklace but tbh he would literally lose it otherwise, it’s not a love thing it’s ADHD.

Start going to the same gym, don't even ask him about joining just say casually "oh I joined the gym the other day" I need to get fitter. If nothings going on he won't care about you going. Then you can assess the situation.

I wouldn't wear a wedding ring to do weights or to go running. In fact that's why I don't ever wear mine at all as whenever I did exercise I'd take it off and that is pretty much every day so seemed like too much of a faff.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and be very clear that the way he's behaving is jeopardising his marriage.

Tell him that the way he talks about this girl makes it clear they are too close. The fact that he hasn't told her he's married is a massive red flag. Tell him to hand over his phone because you no longer trust him to tell you the truth. Explain that any kind of emotional, romantic, or physical involvement with another women will mean he loses you forever.

How he responds to all of this will tell you everything you need to know. It will either be, omg you're right, I've been letting this friendship get too close and I'm going to end it now. Or if he gets angry, denies there's anything going on, refuses to show you his phone, says you're crazy... well, then you have your answer.

Hmm yeah that wouldn’t sit right with me…he knows where she lives and what car she drives, but she doesn’t even know he has a wife… like HOW does that not come up?

It's not clear the friendship is too close.

I'm not saying there us definitely nothing to worry about but some of the comments on here are insane.

We do, because he’s told OP as much.

And no, it wasn’t a case of “he talked about OP but just didn’t actually mention that they’re married.”