Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

I stumbled upon this thread recently after reading a totally unrelated post and I have to admit, it is quite upsetting.
I have made this account just so that I could comment so I don’t know what the rules or culture is like on this website so apologies for being new. I just couldn’t bite my tongue any longer.
Firstly, I am so sorry to the OP that you are going through this.
What I really want to say in this post, however, is that I find a lot of comments on this thread worrying regarding the discussion of age. The OP, to my knowledge, has not disclosed the exact ages of her husband and the girl at the gym so I feel like some of the speculation around the age gap needs to stop until the OP decides if she wants to disclose the exact ages. She might not want to do this, which is totally fine, but I do think it would clear up any confusion.
Also, there has been quite a bit of what I can only describe as ageism. Lots of insinuations that only women in their 20’s have any value. I am not naive, I know full well how society continues to degrade and punish women for daring to age but this is misogynistic nonsense that should have died out a century ago. Women do not turn to dust the moment the clock strikes 12 on their 30th birthday. Beautiful women are beautiful at every age and every woman has value! It’s bad enough dealing with the rise of misogynistic men online putting women into little boxes and demeaning them without having women join in too.
I turned 26 this past month and despite still being perceived as a teenager (5’2 with a baby face, mum is also the same), I am already feeling so insecure and ashamed of the age I am. I feel old, unloveable and like no one will ever want me when I inevitably turn 30. The constant pressure to maintain a young appearance and get work done is overwhelming sometimes. I actually want to slap myself because the logical part of my brain is screaming at me, saying how ridiculous I am being! Ageing is a privilege and my adult life has barely even started, yet apparently, according to what some posts on here imply, my life is over!
I am really sorry if this long post upsets anyone, that is not my intention and I am not having a go, I promise. I just really wish women can see beyond the sexist noise and stick up for each other, whatever age we are. 💖

I feel for you in today's culture and expectations.
However, how we look does not define us, character, kindness, good manners and positive behaviours are what matters.
Please don't burden yourself with the weight of expectation, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
My favourite decade was my thirties, it was when I was at my most confident and when I met my husband.
I am now in my sixties and I do what I have always done. I try and look smart, presentable and the best I can for my age but I never try and look younger than I am, never have and never will.

I totally agree with you, women are so much more than what they look like and is often the least interesting thing about us because our empathy, intelligence, passions and interests are so much more important.
I also hope the OP can realize her own value and importance and not let what she is going through knock her confidence. 💗

The idea that a woman turns into some aged crone in their thirties is pretty odd. I was still discouraging men well into my late thirties. My mother had several proposals in her fifties - from good quality men I might add.

turned 26 this past month and despite still being perceived as a teenager (5’2 with a baby face, mum is also the same), I am already feeling so insecure and ashamed of the age I am. I feel old, unloveable and like no one will ever want me when I inevitably turn 30

Seriously don't even worry about that. You've got a good couple of decades yet of being young and hot if that's your thing.

I just want to thank all the suggestions / comments and anyone who’s bothered to read. I do appreciate it.

last update as I’m sure everyone is bored to death of this by now.

He went to the gym last weekend ( both days ) and she wasn’t there. Apparently this is the 1st time she’s ever missed a day let alone 2. He seemed absolutely devastated. Said that’s basically it now. That her guy is obviously controlling her and making her go at different days / times now.
I didn’t even comment as didn’t want another conversation about her. He was sulking around again yesterday afternoon and I heard him play some kind of sad song in his car this morning when he went off to work ( lol ).
Maybe things have naturally been taken care of. I’m sure if they were genuine friends and there was nothing in it, she would have protested? But there’s obviously a chance she was just ill or busy.

But are you not bothered that he is obviously smitten with her ? Even if he is seeing her or not ?
He sounds obsessed.

You're his partner, not his sister.

I'm quite relaxed about teasing my DH about wee crushes but this is ridiculous.

Thank you for updating @Amy808. This is still a shitty outcome and I'm so sorry. Whether she returns to the gym or not, you've been massively let down by your DP. The fact he moped around after not seeing her is, just on its own, ridiculous (but please let's not forget the rest). This has all the hallmarks of a teenage crush in a supposedly fully grown man. I wonder if he exaggerated it all to you. They were supposedly in contact weren't they? So her not being there shouldn't be a surprise if they were organising sessions together, as previously suggested.

Please @Amy808 can't you listen to those of us telling you that you deserve better? He confides in you like a friend not a partner. The problem with these fantasies is that the other, unattainable person remains a forbidden but perfect dream. I've been hurt with this myself so I'm speaking genuinely from the heart when I say this is probably a bigger issue than you can even appreciate right now. Maybe you (like I) have attachment issues and are terrified of losing even second-class love and affection. But you deserve better. Please believe that.

Also, OP - on FB there are a number of groups titled things like Am I Dating the Same Guy. If I was you, I'd put on an anonymous post about your DP.

I'm struggling to believe this is his first - or last - betrayal.

I don't think anyone is bored of your updates. It's a sad situation and doesn't seem to be getting better. It must be so painful to learn that if this is the end of their friendship/relationship, it's not because he understood what he was doing and chose to prioritise you, instead it was because she stopped showing up.

I truly hope things get better for you, with or without him. x

No one is bored of your updates. You just deserve better. It’s disgusting how he isn’t at least hiding his sadness from you. @Amy808 from how he has carried on he really does just see you as a friend. What happens when the next gym girl comes along and she’s single. The sad thing is you are not his first choice anymore. Please get some therapy for yourself. I can imagine your self confidence is through the floor right now. Please don’t take this “pause” as a break. By putting the power in your husbands hands, you really don’t know what will happen next. It’s unpredictable. Judging by the frequency of his visits to the gym, the main reason he was going was to see her :(

Definitely not bored of your updates, just feel sorry for you. It doesn’t really come across that he thinks highly of you, as he’s openly attracted to someone else and telling you how cut up he is that she isn’t interested. That’s weird and suggests he has checked out of your relationship. Personally I think you’re under reacting, unless you’re happy to be in a relationship permanently where you’re second best and not desirable etc.

I wouldn't be too happy about this! The thing is, this guy clearly doesn't have any respect for you. He didn't just fancy this girl, he became obsessed with her and is now "devastated" it could be ending? Do you not see any problems here? This wont be the last time either, that he ends up chasing after another woman. A man like this will cheat and I wouldn't be surprised if he has already. Sorry to say.

I'm sorry, OP, but if he's being this open with you about how devastated he is, he won't think twice about crossing the line with his next infatuation.

I think a change in attitude and behaviour from him should be the only thing that proves anything now.
Whether she did/ didn’t show up at the weekend or whether he’s lying about the whole thing and she’s actually there every time, he’s just telling you she’s not and has a controlling fiancé to make it ok for him to go unquestioned whenever he wants, really shouldn’t matter.
Whether she is/ isn’t at the gym shouldn’t matter to either of you, because he should know how to behave appropriately and if he did, you should trust him. He doesn’t behave appropriately, therefore you don’t trust him. She’s largely irrelevant here.

My best friend’s DH had a supposedly “only” emotional affair. (Some say otherwise, but I don’t know for sure either way and it’s none of my beeswax). When he was forced to establish boundaries, (or deal with the consequences) he grieved terribly for his lost “friendship” and blamed my bestie. While they’re good now, I know without fail that I couldn’t handle it. She was expected to just deal with his feelings at the expense of her own, and honestly, I find it all very self-indulgent. His lack of accountability and inability to admit that he had made the decision to stay and wasn’t coerced or forced in either direction was mind-boggling.

This hasn't been naturally taken care of though. He is devastated to the point of playing sad songs in his car. He has shown you who he is and you should believe him. He wants her and not you.

Never stay with someone that sees you as their second option. You are not a consolation prize. He has become far too comfortable in disrespecting you.

And don't forget, he isn't not seeing her because he has chosen you, he is not seeing her because she has chosen to not go to the gym. He would probably be delighted if she came back.

You are worth so much more than a man who confides in you with his latest crush.

My partner and I will “tease” each other about someone we find attractive in certain situations- but there’s a big limit and your DH crossed that pretty much immediately (months ago).

Why on earth would you want to stay with him when he’s being so openly disrespectful to you and your relationship by smothering his obsession with this girl in your face. He sounds like a silly smitten teenage boy, not a grown married man with children.

I’m so sorry to hear the update as naturally taken care of is not really an outcome in your favour. He still chose to lust after her than you and didn’t put you first. He is still acting heartbroken about not seeing her rather than heartbroken about the prospect of loosing you. I hope it makes him realise how stupid he’s been and he literally throws all his love and attention at you. If not I’m not sure I would feel any better than had it carried on.

This 👆🏼 100%

You are worth so much more, You deserve better.
Please don’t pander to his ‘love sick antics’
Tell him, it’s time to move on.

I can’t believe that any bloke would act like this and any woman would take it

Maybe things have naturally been taken care of.

They haven’t, @Amy808, because he didn’t choose to end his faithless behavior. He has rubbed your face in his pursuit of another woman and is still treating you with heinous disrespect.

His spewing his devastation over her absence is just one more appalling example of his devaluation of you and your marriage. You have been relegated to sibling/cousin/mate status to be a sounding board for his mentionitis and angst over his new girlfriend.

His gym friend summed it up: they fancy each other. Everyone there has witnessed their emotional affair. He has pursued her in plain sight, both at the gym and at home, and now is openly pining for her. I would have sent him packing ages ago.

@Amy808, are you going to settle for an unsafe relationship where you are being treated with such brazen contempt? Until he acknowledges and takes full responsibility for his infidelity and disloyalty, shows true remorse for hurting you, and puts massive effort into examining his need to lap up illicit ego thrills at your expense, your marriage will be a farce. There will be a ‘next time’, with either this woman or someone else.

Whinging to you that she’s gone and then playing his sad gym mistress Spotify playlist in the car oh my god why are you still entertaining this absolute wanker.