Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

This was my point too. You said it well. A 36 year old could be the Mother of a 20 year old. It's a generations difference. Our 'time to shine' is a narrow window from about 19-27 years old (but closer to the lower end). Then it's someone else's turn at which point it probably won't matter as oftentimes people have found their life partner by then. If the person you're with really loves you their head won't be turned by any gorgeous young woman, they'll love every moment they have with you.

I go to the gym 4 days a week & (shock horror) I spend most of my time in the weights section. I can assure you that I categorically do not wear clothes to “take others women’s men”. A lot of the time I don’t particularly want the man I’ve got, let alone wanting anyone else’s. Oh and I wear gym clothes (leggings, sports bra) because….I’m at the gym.

The autistic comment I think meant he isn’t going to ignore someone who’s talking to him and just keep his earphones on and ignore them. Yes, a poor choice of words which I don’t agree with.
The gym he goes to is open 24/7. Sometimes he goes at like 8pm when the kids are asleep and comes home round 10ish. He was sulking around downstairs but went out to his office in the garden so luckily didn’t wake the kids up. I kind of don’t know how to feel about people thinking this is made up, cuz i guess that just shows how bad all of this is.

You know what OP fair enough, please take my disbelief at this as a sign of how insane this behaviour really is! Good luck, OP! I hope you find happiness nobody deserves this!

I wonder, if her husband did sexually assault this woman in some way (examples, slapping her bum, rubbing up against her, groping her crotch) if the OP would say she was "asking for it".

I’ve read all of your updates and struggle to believe anybody could be this naive.

if this is all true, you’re going to read this back in a year and want to kick yourself. Don’t be stupid you can see exactly what’s going on here, and I doubt it’s the first time.

PS he’s trying to make you jealous and it’s clearly worked. Don’t let him make you bitter too.

Yes but she said he has social media and suggests he posts pictures of himself and is active on it but his account essentially makes it look like he's single... That is problematic. Also I'd be so mad if my partner apparently spoke to someone as much as this guy was speaking to this girl and neglected to once mention his wife and kids!! Ugh

I don't think OP was slut shaming. I think she was DH shaming which is totally fair enough. I remember my DH having a new 'sports friend' suddenly and thinking when I saw her oh of course he wants to be friends with her. I wasn't blaming her for it, I was thinking how disappointing of DH. And yes it was an inappropriate friendship which caused a lot of pain and mistrust but unlike OP at least my DH cut off all contact (he was still a knob however).

One of the boys happens to go at the exact same time as this girl.

Tell him to get a personal trainer or one of the other gym men to spot him.

OP I don’t think you’re naive or a doormat.
To me you sound like somebody who has all the proof they need that at the very least, your husband is having a relationship you don’t approve of with a young woman at the gym, but somebody who is struggling and afraid to face the reality of what that might mean for them.
I think the shock and awfulness of finding this out has led you to a kind of denial, searching for excuses for him and reasons for this to not be as bad as the shitshow it really is. You concentrate on her because deep inside you don’t want him to be that guy, you want it to be her fault. You don’t want him to be that guy who would do such a terrible thing to you, because this is excruciatingly painful and it has potential life changing consequences for you and your children, if he actually IS that guy who would do such a terrible thing like this to you. It’s less painful to minimise, look for shared blame or try to shift all the blame elsewhere.
I think posters need to remember or imagine, if you’re lucky enough never to have been betrayed by your partner or past partners, just how agonising this is for OP. Yes, it’s frustrating that she has a lot of advice and yet might want to clutch at straws, but believe me, it’s very understandable when you feel traumatised, shocked and in agony. OP when you’re ready to face the truth, you’ll be ready to apply boundaries. You’ll lose fear and find the anger we feel on your behalf. You’re afraid and in pain, not a doormat.
You’re waiting and hoping for change from him, but please believe me, this won’t change without firm consequences from you. If you want to stay with him that’s entirely your choice, but a big change is needed if you want any kind of relationship or peace of mind restored.
At the moment he won’t change. Why should he? He’s enjoying the attention and brushing off your complaints and painting you as the bad guy who won’t let him have a female friend (we know she isn’t, she’s his crush) and sulking when you don’t let it lie.
He needs to see what he has to lose. Yes, I know he can literally see it now, but he doesn’t think for one second he’ll ever lose it, because he doesn’t think you’d ever pull the plug on it. So far you are upset, but not really pushing it.
Very gently, please try to face whatever this is and decide what you need to happen, tell him clearly what that is and what will happen if he doesn’t comply. Then have a plan in place to follow through and enforce the boundary. This man needs a huge kick in the arse, here’s yet another dick-led, ego -driven idiot who needs to smell what he’s shovelling, to quote the movie. Make him.

This is ridiculous

Great post

Surely if this was the case, op should post a family pic and tag him so it shows on his wall, why wouldn't she, worrying if he looks single on his socials,
Op commented that he likes ow pics, so he is following this ow too,
Op needs to flood his socials with loving pics of her and h together see how he reacts to that, ow will see then

I think the time for sitting and watching what happens is over. You need to decide what you want to do. You can either leave him or try and salvage the marriage. But you can only do the latter if he too is willing to put in the effort. The fact that he knows this upsets you but still doesn’t care enough to change his actions means the second option may not be possible but you can still try if that’s what you want.

If it were me and I wanted to try I would sit him down and tell him him that you don’t care if he gets annoyed at you being jealous or taking action that he doesn’t like. I would try and establish if she does have a fiancé. Is everything your husband saying true. I would then either join that gym, even if you don’t go very often you are showing your husband you are taking action. I would possibly message her in her instragram.

Personally I think what would finish it for me is my husband knowing how much he is hurting me and not caring about hurting me and not doing anything to stop this hurt. I can’t imagine my husband doing this. I know he would either ask me to go with him to the gym or move gym. Whatever happens good luck.

OP please see @Thewookiemustgo post this is great advice. You are probably a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. This is hard and scary but what advice would you give your child if it was happening to them.

I'd be joining the gym.

Having read this entire thread and the multitude of suggestions ie. go to the gym, post family pics all over FB, talk to the fiancé, if you have to work that hard to keep your partner from having an affair then I question whether he’s worth keeping. Seems a lot of effort to end up with the booby prize.

He's still the one deciding to cut contact or not. Contact which should not be happening. A "friendship" that has already gone too far.

He has all but erased you from his social media to appear single. He doesn't mention you to others (classis way faithful partners keep over keen people at arms length).

You are not front and center. The OW (who is likely using him for her own ego boost) isn't either. Neither of you can be when his ego leaves zero space for anyone else.

What do you want? To be always low on his list? To be listening to him brag to you about other women? To continue to be invisible?

You get to decide.

Hay op how are you, is he still sulking around the house,

It doesnt really matter if he stops talking to her.
The huge lack of respect he has for you has already been shown. Its not harmless or just banter between men in the gym. It highlights how little he cares about your relationship and you as a person.
I take it you are fine to flirt and actively arrange to be at the gym the same time as another man ? And he won't mind ?
He should be grovelling to you and showing you how much of an idiot he has been .

@Amy808 why are you still putting up with this bullshit?
Do you not see you deserve better?
He would make me sick tbh .
Are you actually still sleeping with him ?
while he’s lusting after someone else . The dis respect is unreal .

I’d be packing his bags !

Look at what you have control over op. Thats not him it’s you. In your shoes id say i dont think I should have to explain some of these things about how you interact with other women, and I don’t choose to be in a relationship with men who think this is all fine. I think we’ve run our course here.

Hope you’re ok @Amy808 x