Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

It doesn’t matter what she posts online or what she wears to the gym. It’s not a place for more modesty than normal. People sweat, have increased heart rates, get into weird positions, need to feel comfortable - I expect less modesty in a gym than elsewhere. No one bats an eyelid at men taking their tops off, so I’m not sure why a woman in gym shorts is more controversial.

Secondly, regardless of what she wears or does, your partner is attracted to her and has allowed himself to catch feelings for her and refuses to cease contact. So overall, he is the issue here. At no point, has he avoided engagement in her supposed inappropriateness, yet he is the one who made the commitment to you.

Reading between the lines, I think OP is having to suddenly get to grips with aging and being considered less conventionally attractive. I didn’t think 30+ year olds held such resentment towards 20 somethings, so it’s quite lame to see. There will always be younger and more attractive women than you - best to come to terms with it now rather than later. The right guy, wouldn’t make you feel inferior.

I understand why people get upset at the comments OP has said towards the gym girl but she is angry and upset, her husband is at fault and should be held accountable for his behaviour as he has encouraged this situation but the girl could be well aware he has a family and she isn’t innocent in this.
It’s also easier to put the blame on the other person than come to terms with what’s really going on, especially when you’ve tried to tell yourself that it’s all innocent.
I’m sure OP has a lot of thoughts and feelings she is trying to make sense of right now.

I've just read the full thread and both you and your H sound gross - particularly from your recent comments.

Oh my god do not do this.

I am cringing just reading it as a suggestion never mind receiving that sort of message!

@Sodthesystem the issue lies squarely at the op's DH door. This should not be made to be gym woman's problem!

This has been going on for months and months, and she's had plenty of opportunity to deal with her husband's complete lack of respect for her, but instead she's decided to be a bitch towards this woman. Because of course it's the woman's fault for tempting her poor husband. Utterly grim.

Thank you. And I’m not trying to shame / slag this girl off. I’ve Literaly just never seen a pair of shorts so short before so was just a bit taken back. Anyway, I’ve told my friends to stop sending me anything about this girl anymore because I don’t want to know. He did make 1 comment the other day which I know nothing about. He said most people take ‘pre work out’ which makes you hyper and chat more. So I don’t know if he means he wouldn’t be as talkative to her usually 🤷‍♂️. Either way, there’s plenty of other people to talk to there I’m sure.

Come on. You're surely better than this. Let's not blame the girl. By all accounts he hasn't been shouting about being taken, and she is allowed to wear what she bloody wants to the gym without having to think about whether men might find it difficult to restrain themselves.

Anything he has done is on HIM. That is all.

@Amy808 apologies, I missed an update where you said he’d “liked” her engagement photo online. I’m still not sure whether her fiancé turns up or not is true, as it’s a good way of reassuring you nothing can happen, this stopping you showing up at the gym to see what’s really going on.
Am inclined to agree with a previous poster that her fiancé might have started showing up because she asked him to, because of the older creep (your husband) at the gym. My young adult DD reports to gym staff any guy who openly and repeatedly stares at or hits on her, she reports any relentless unwanted attention at all. The staff are very good at dealing with it as it unfortunately happens a lot to a lot of women.
She’d eventually reported a guy who kept hitting on her (she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested) and they had warned him. She had to go back inside one evening as she left, the guy who kept hitting on her was still in the car park waiting near her car. The manager came out with her to walk her to her car and he saw them and disappeared. They used cctv to identify him and they immediately cancelled his membership.

Nobody, regardless of gender, needs to put up with this. If she was timidly and politely braving a nuisance the staff would probably notice and know. Funny how this guy happened to be there to see her go to your husband’s car outside like a lost puppy? I’m not buying this story, if this was the case and he found it at all uncomfortable your husband would have told you that instead of lapping it up.
If her fiancé is suddenly at the gym, either he thinks there’s something mutual going on with her and your husband, or he thinks your husband is a creepy pest. If it’s the latter, they should report him. If it’s the former, it’s controlling and she should get away from your husband and her fiancé.
If your husband likes her as a friend, surely he’d have been keen to tell her fiancé he’s married and reassure him that there’s nothing going on, to diffuse the situation for her? Nope, he’s getting off on what he sees as a woman’s partner being jealous of him potentially luring her away.
Neither possible scenario leaves your husband in a very good light, does it?
I still think in order to move forward, you really need to set boundaries with consequences.
Try telling him what this guy said and asking him why this guy would think, from observing your husband’s behaviour and responses to her, they might fancy each other? Unless you can’t out the guy.
No more going to this gym for him, far better for everyone concerned to end the whole toxic situation. He puts you first, not some random girl.
And no more you for him unless/ until he stops this ridiculous disrespectful behaviour.

I disagree with this.

Why would you talk to someone about your sex life if you saw him as the ‘gym pest’

She’s as into this as he is… whether it’s for the attention or otherwise.

She’s a red herring.

She’s not married to you. He is.

And he’s so confident that you’ll take his shit behaviour that he tells you all about it.

All these posters advising you to go to the gym… what’s the point?! He’s parading his disrespect of you right in your face.

From OP’s posts, the gym lady was ignoring him and attending with her own fiancé. That’s a strong indication that she isn’t after OP’s man.

Whereas OP’s partner seems put out by her cutting contact. Ultimately all roads lead back to him for me. He’s 100% in the wrong. She is innocent in this - she hasn’t made any commitment to OP or their kids after all. He has. I don’t think trying to portray her as a man eating slag really fixes OP’s problem in any case.

Also, pre workouts are simply caffeine @Amy808 the same as tea/coffee, I don’t think they really make people more inclined to flirt with others.

You only have his story for that though, is he being totally truthful and transparent or does he have reason to make her seem like the instigator?

I'm thinking this is a spoof. Inspiration must have come from a Carry on Film.

Gosh you are desperate to blame her aren’t you and absolve your sleazy disloyal husband.

OP it really doesn’t matter what she wears. Or what she looks like. Or what she does.
The choice to reciprocate or not is his. Temptation is a normal part of life, your integrity and character determines whether or not you give in to it.
Attractive women are not all magicial irresistible sirens, men are never powerless to ignore it when they come across it.
They have choice.
Most men glance at and notice an attractive women dressed in sexy gear in the same way women notice and glance at attractive men in sexy gear. Noticing and appreciating are one thing, all relationships probably start that way, with finding somebody attractive, but pursuing it in any way is quite another if you’re married.
It’s not her looks or what she wears that is the problem. Your husband might find her attractive, being married doesn’t ever stop that happening. It’s how he handles it that matters.
She might throw herself naked at your husband, but reciprocating is his choice. He should have said he was very flattered but very much married and distanced himself from all of it. She is in no way to blame for him choosing to reciprocate, if that’s what is actually going on. She might want to look at her own awful behaviour as a woman in a committed relationship herself, if indeed she is actually hitting on him, but it’s his choice to pursue or close this down, no matter what she looks like, wears or does.
He’s either a creepy pest making a fool of himself and of you, or he’s pursuing a consensually inappropriate relationship with another woman.
As I said, neither scenario puts him in a very good light and neither scenario should be tolerated any longer by you.
Concentrate on him, not her. His behaviour is trashing your marriage, not her tiny gym gear.

@Thewookiemustgo I agree. I’d also like to add that he’s several years older than she is; he has much more experience in navigating attraction given he is married with kids. So he was always in control of this and could have used his experience to shut this down at any point - he chose not to.

Think about it, he likely interacts with countless women on a daily like colleagues, people on social media, customer service staff, acquaintances etc and he doesn’t escalate to this sort of behaviour with them. He knows when to deal with a woman as normal person vs someone he’s testing the waters with. It’s basically gym culture to wear things like shorts and most gyms are filled with attractive, fit people so this woman in particular isn’t doing anything remarkable.

@Amy808 i would take what this friend says with a pinch of salt but it does give a better idea of what the dynamic is. Your H telling people he might have to move gyms to get away from her was just him bragging to them just like he does to you. He loves it and he’s not uncomfortable but he wants to pretend he is so he’s the ‘good married man’. But in reality he’s done nothing to put her off — hasn’t spoken about his wife and kids, hasn’t moved gyms, interacted with her on social media, and complained when her finance has shown up and changed their dynamic. It’s actually more worrying that it will become an actual affair if she really was following him around and instigating a lot of the interactions. I would not be surprised if now she’s backed off he will try to lure her back in by making it physical. He needs the ego strokes and validation.

It’s up to you with how you handle this but I wouldn’t feel the same way knowing he would destroy his marriage and disregard your feelings for an ego boost. And I wouldn’t trust him with the level of delusion he has over the whole situation.

I wear very short shorts and a sports bra in the gym because I can’t stand the feeling of sleeves or long leggings when I start to sweat, it makes me feel sick.

I have no interest in any man other than the one I’m married too and don’t speak to anyone else in the gym. I do see a lot of middle age men leering over young girls though and trying to engage them in conversation which is just not wanted.

Blokes covering for each other. This guy is not going to land your DH in it in front of you. He’s just avoiding confrontation. Bears no resemblance to anything your DH has said to you - unless your DH tells you lies to make you jealous.

That is the most idiotic statement, I've lost any respect for you. Best of luck. She can wear whatever the hell she wants.

You can’t ‘take’ another woman’s man unless he is willing to be taken.

I can understand that you’re angry and lashing out op, but her clothes choices aren’t the reason your husband is a lecherous, untrustworthy cheat, that’s allllll on him. Hard to get your head around right now I expect.

The way your husband tells you - openly - how much he’s disrespecting your relationship is insane. You seem more keen on squashing the situation than addressing why your husband treats you like a doormat. He’s taking the absolute piss and you’re just hoping it all fizzles out. What she wears has no bearing on whether or not your husband is a piece of shit (spoiler, he is!) and he seems to be pretending you and your kids don’t exist.

The girl is not to blame. There are countless hot young things wearing tiny shorts to the gym up and down the country. Presumably your husband would be hitting on them too if they were in the vicinity.

You need to make it clear to your husband that you've given him the benefit of the doubt but he is now taking the piss. He can't be trusted.