Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

Difficult one OP

Although it’s fine to have an only child if he said yes and back tracked it puts a different slant on things

whether to leave him
depends on his you fee about the relationship overall tbh

Do you want to be with him? Can you forgive him for taking the opportunity to have another child away?
it’s unlikely you would split, meet someone , establish a relationship, introduce them to your dd and reach a point where you are ready to have a baby in a timely manner to work with your biological clock.

So really it’s as simple as do you want to stay with your dh?

What's his big issue? If you said you'd go back to work after birth and gave him the paternity time, would that change things?

Op, It's not ruining your child's life to be without a sibling. There are lots of very happy only children.
Nobody "needs" a baby - much as you may want a baby.
It is your husband's right to say he doesn't want a baby. Do you really want to be without him because of this? Don't you love him?

It boils down to do you want another DC more than you want to stay married to your DH? If he agreed on a second DC then backtracked I can see why you'd be so upset.

I think it's downright cruel to change his mind after the miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy. You need to have a serious conversation about how it's effecting your mental health.
I had a second trimester miscarriage before our third DC and my MH plummeted until we had DC3 where I was able to change my view that if that miscarriage hadn't happened we wouldn't have DD. He's not allowing you to get that closure and peace with the loss.

I can’t agree with this. It isn’t ‘cruel’ to decide against another child- maybe you are overlooking the fact that a MC can take its toll on the father, too?

His flip-flopping is unfortunate but then the OP may have been badgering him and he may have just said yes to get some peace.

No one is owed or entitled to a child, or a sibling. Every child is entitled to be wanted by both parents, however, and not used as some sort of bargaining chip.

My ex-husband also refused a second child because it would be "too much work" I accepted this and made the best of it as I don't think it's the kind of thing you can compromise on and it would be unfair to the child to be living with a father who didn't want them wholeheartedly. I got my DD a dog instead :) Ex couldn't handle parenting one child and we split up in the end. At that point I was glad I didn't have more children as one is already a lot as a single parent who is working full-time etc.... As the relationship is quite rocky it might be better to stick with one child in case you do decide to go solo?

It isn't ruining your child's life. I'm not aware of any connection between whether you have siblings and how happy your life is. You are projecting your want for a child on to your existing child.

Your husband has done nothing wrong not wanting a second child. His changing his mind hasn't helped, and I understand why that's been confusing and hurtful. But he is being honest - he doesn't want another child.

If you think he's doing this to purposely hurt you, if he doesn't think about your feelings, if he's not a good person generally - all reasons to consider leaving him (not necessarily to have another child with someone else, but because he isn't a great husband).

If he's a good, decent man who cares, supports, is honest and dependable - and there is only this issue on which you've had any real problems - then I would think seriously before breaking up for your family. You would be rocking your existing child's world on the basis that it might mean you can have a theoretical future child (obvs no guarantees there anyway).

My hate for him and utter grief are now so intertwined I find it hard to separate. That’s why I have asked for counselling - but he has refused. I’ve offered the paternity leave - would need to do this as I’m now the main earner. I’ve begged and cried - only thing left to do is walk away. But I feel so bad for my daughter, I know how this plays out…… I leave don’t meet anyone and am forever resentful and bitter. He moves on and has another family meets someone younger and she is pushed out. It feels like my only option is to chose my miserable, here or there.

I sympathise OP.

After me and DH had our first child neither us were inclined to have another and we agreed that we were happy with just having the one.

However, 18 months down the line my feelings started to change and I desperately wanted another baby. I didn’t feel like I was “done” and I didn’t want my son to be an only child. My husband however was still adamant that he didn’t want another and anytime I tried to talk to him about it he would make jokes, or brush it off or change the subject etc. As time passed with him continually saying he didn’t want another baby I did feel resentment start to creep in and I felt angry that he was preventing me from having something I wanted so badly, but also that he was also denying our son from having something that could potentially be very meaningful (primarily a sibling relationship, but also nieces and nephew etc)

Talks went on for almost two years, including lots of tears from my end and eventually my DH did agree that we could try for another.

Although I had a positive outcome I still remember very well the anger (sometimes hate) that I felt towards DH because he had the power to control such an important element of my life and it felt so wrong and unjust. On many occasions I did question whether I could stay with him, looking at him everyday and knowing he was the reason why I wasn’t going to get the family or the life that I so badly wanted. Deep down I understood I couldn’t force him to have a second baby, but I was so angry that he was able to force me to not have one. I was so upset for my son too, I thought of all the positives a sibling could bring and that just increased my anger as my DH ‘s decision wasn’t just hurting me, it was also negatively affecting our son and changing the course of his life too. It may sound dramatic but that’s how I felt.

I don’t think I would have left DH if he hadn’t agreed to have a second baby but I can’t say that for sure. If I had have stayed with him though I don’t think I would ever have been able to look at him the same way, I would always have harboured some resentment towards him for denying me something that was so important to me.

I don’t think there’s really any coming back from hate. Especially if counselling is rejected.

Personally, at 38 I would start a divorce quickly and do IUI alone to try and get a second child. Even if it didn’t succeed, I’d then know I did all I could.

I don’t think there’s really any coming back from hate. Especially if counselling is rejected.

Personally, at 38 I would start a divorce quickly and do IUI alone to try and get a second child. Even if it didn’t succeed, I’d then know I did all I could.

I think you’re very fortunate your DH didn’t leave you. Moving the goalposts and manipulating and browbeating him into having a second child? Not a good move.

Since when did being honest with your partner about how you feel and discussing what you want for the future become manipulation? We viewed it more as open and honest communication.

It feels really unfair that the person who chose to not do something and retain the status quo gets their way by default. I don't think I'd be able to get past the selfishness. Lots of people have a second or third child because it's what their partner desperately wants even if they would be happy with one.

There are some obvious exceptions like serious poverty or genetic/medical issues in parents or children.

It's particularly cruel to change his mind after a miscarriage.

As much as this guy is getting a berating for changing his mind, which I get is heartbreaking for OP, I really do - that really is human nature that circumstances and feelings change sometimes it would be worse really if he went against his wishes and had another child that he doesn’t actually want.
tbh I suspect he’s unhappy in the marriage and doesn’t want to bring another child into it for that reason alone maybe.
my biggest issue would be with him refusing to support the healing in therapy tbh, sounds like the biggest issues here is communication on all fronts
really sorry you’re going through this OP. It does sound like your fixation on having another child is ruining your experience of what you already have, I assume you’re working on trying to enjoy your existing child and minimising the impact your feelings at the moment might have on your child and your relationship with DC?

This whole thing is mad. You’re ditching your marriage for a hypothetical baby that might never happen even if he agreed.

You’re wasting all this time crying every day about it, rather than living and appreciating what you already have?

OP you say you care so much about your daughter but you cry every day and are miserable because she is your only child.

And your plan is to divorce her father and break up her family and home,
possibly marry some other man and have another child/children while she lives without having her father full time.

Give yourself a good talking to.

Why do you need a baby so bad? You basically need to decide do you want to choose your family over a baby? If you're happy, I don't know why you'd throw that away.

It's great you've articulated this so well. So you don't want to be with him, but you don't want him to find someone else?

If he is listing cons of having another child, changing his mind, saying he wants an easy life etc, his heart isn’t in it and personally I wouldn’t have a second child with him because of that.

You either have to accept that and concentrate on the family you have now, or leave him. There are no guarantees what happens after you leave him either.

You already have a little 7 year old who deserves a happy home life OP, & that definitely doesn’t have to include a sibling.

Your DH had been honest and clearly communicated that he didn’t want another child. You rode roughshod over him to get what you wanted.

Projecting your own needs via your DS (no one needs a sibling by the way) and constant emotional blackmail seems quite manipulative to me.

I couldn’t be in a relationship where such tactics are countenanced by either party.

It feels like my only option is to chose my miserable, here or there.

There is also the option of acceptance and enjoying what you have with your DD. I'd be working on that rather than the hypothetical/highly unlikely other life where it's all hunky dory with a new man, new baby, and your DD is away with your ex half the time and upset by it all. You've spiralled beyond wanting another baby to something more extreme here if you're crying so much and so fixated and hating him for this. Changing his mind isn't good but it's not nefarious and it is understandable. Keep on with the therapy but you might need a better one and some other help to get out of this hole before it blows up your DD's world.

Move on and find another man who dosn't lie.
He is a lier.
You matter and your feelings matter.